Paul Simon is not the only worn-out leftover from the socialist sixties who intends to retire to SIU. Once SIU's intention to provide a luxurious taxpayer-funded haven for pre-dead left-wing politicians became known, applications have started pouring in.
Next in line, after Southern Illinois' own failed presidential candidate, is Fidel Castro. With the demise of the Russian Peoples' Democrat Republic, or Soviet Union as it was more widely known, Castro has found himself increasingly isolated in a world heedlessly rushing down the slippery slope towards representative government.
Said Fidel sadly, "It's just no fun anymore - the good old days are over. The Shah has gone, Marcos has gone, Galtieri has gone, Baby Doc has gone and Noriega has been bushwacked; - the Free World Dictators' team has just fallen apart! As for the Peoples' Team, it's just Saddam and me now. Gaddaffi is paying lip-service to Islam, Mandela is claiming he always wanted elections, and the KGB have mostly taken to selling crack in the Asian provinces of the former USSR. Today's world sucks!"
Fidel Castro believes that Stalinist Illinois University can provide the sort of mindless left-wing atmosphere in which he can spend his golden years. "To some, the administrators who run SIU may appear as cringing cowards, grovelling to political correctness; but behind their charade of servile gutlessness they are basically deeply principled and fundamentally decent people who hate the very idea of academic freedom!"
Will Castro take part in teaching? "Perhaps." says
Fidel. If America continues to violate the academic freedom of its
students by forcing them to study left-wing propaganda under the name
of 'Multiculturalism' then Castro will be happy to take part. But if
the evil influence of academic freedom penetrates the left-wing
backwater of SIU and students are allowed to choose, then Fidel feels
that he would be unable to teach. "There are important ethical
principles at issue here. I do not feel it would be morally
acceptable to talk to a voluntary audience."
One little problem Castro does have is with SIU's policy on smoking.
"Although continuing to whittle away the freedom of servile little
people like Americans is both amusing and, in principle, commendable,
there are certain things which should be regarded as, dare I use the
word? - sacred." The use of tobacco was a vital part of the cultural
heritage of Native Americans and Castro feels that indulging every
aspect of Native American racism while criticising smoking is
evidence of the double standard so typical of America's half-hearted
socialists, the so-called "liberal"-democrats. "They're not real
Reds, just Pinkos!" sneered Fidel.
What does Castro think of Paul Simon? "The way his ears stick out get's up my nose," says Fidel. "He's almost as ugly as Prince Charles." Will this cause major problems, we wanted to know. "It's not ideal, but things could be worse. At least I won't have to listen to Hillary Clinton!" Fidel feels strongly that women should be kept firmly in place. "Communism owes much of its fundamental outlook to Catholicism." Fidel avers. "All Marx really did was to replace 'pie in the sky when you die' with the offer of a free lunch here and now. The Pope was re-named Party Leader, much as you might try to impress a bunch of ignorant peasants by re-naming, say, the Chancellor of a university as the President."
You are a typical brave, freedom-loving, independent-thinking American and you need to know what you are required to do, say, or think in order to slavishly comply with politically correct ideology. But... the phone line to Democratic Party headquarters is busy; the affirmative action officer is out; what are you to do??
Dear Fidel,
When you are referring to people of both sexes, what do you call them?
yours sincerely, Evelyn
Dear Evelyn,
First, let me remind you that only fascists have sex; politically correct persons consist of two GENDERS. Second, even if no members of the female gender are present, you must pretend they are. Ignoring reality is fundamental to political correctness. Thirdly, you can call them humans and humanettes - after all, humen and huwomen does sounds a little silly!!!
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
When you are referring to aliens, do you say "he or she"? After all, maybe they just have one sex, - sorry, I mean gender, - or perhaps they have more than two.
yours sincerely, Captain Kirk
Comrade Captain,
How do we refer to world-famous mathematicians, physicists and star-ship commanders? Even though no women are that good at math, we still use "he or she". Just as the Queen of England refers to her singular self by the royal "we", so those at the opposite end of the social spectrum refer to non-existent females by the socialist "she". I'm sure you see now that whether aliens have one, two or more genders is irrelevant. "He or she" does not refer to what is described, its purpose is to confirm the speakers servile status in groveling to American feminism.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Should Americans whose family comes from Libya be called African Americans??
yours sincerely, Marvyn
Dear Marvin,
No way, they are referred to as terrorists!!
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
If Red Indians are now Native Americans, what do we call Red Chinese?
yours sincerely, Hilary
Dear Hilary,
They are usually known as graduate students.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Our university makes smokers stand outside in the cold and the wet. Can we sue for discrimination?
yours sincerely, Jack and Ben
Dear Jack and Ben,
No way José!! Unfortunately, you only qualify for the privilege of being discriminated against if:
a) At least 75% of the group with a grievance votes Democrat
b) The group you belong to has a lower than average IQ
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Do women only take dictation due to discrimination or is it genetic? Why aren't there any female communist dictators?
yours sincerely, Forrest
Dear Forrest,
What about Hillary Clinton!!
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
My significant other has acne almost as bad as Manuel Noriega. What can I do to help?
yours sincerely, Winnie
Dear Winnie,
Turn him or her in to the DEA.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Should women really be called womyn?
yours sincerely, Sal
Dear Sal,
Womb-Equipped Americans is better.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Why did Mao call himself Chairman Mao not Chair Mao?
yours sincerely, Billie
Dear Billie,
Even a phoney who fakes swimming down the Yangtse River has some self-respect.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Why is it OK to use cancer as a reason to charge smokers higher health insurance premiums, yet wrong to treat homosexuals who spread AIDS the same way?
yours sincerely, Frankie
Dear Frankie,
I am surprised you had to ask. Surely you know that equality is a privilege which has to be earned by voting Democrat. Besides, most smokers nowadays are women or blacks trying to show how liberated and enlightened they have become by slavishly copying 1950's white male behavior. Such Eurocentrist sexism surely deserves punishment.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
My mommy and daddy are renting my room out to foreign visitors while I'm away at college. I'm frightened they won't want me back.
yours sincerely, name withheld, Washington DC
Dear Chelsea,
I would have a trustworthy friend in the Secret Service get your room wired for sound. Perhaps even a hidden video camera or two. Knowledge is power!!
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
I have been trying to lose weight for years. But I can't supress the urge to go to the fridge in the middle of the night and scarf down quiche, tofu and raw broccoli. I'm particularly worried because my job involves considerable public exposure and I can barely fit into my suit any more.
yours sincerely, name withheld
Dear Rush,
Your taste in clothes reminds me of the Soviet Praesidium in the 1950's. Try bulimia.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Why do women get so upset about being viewed as sex objects?
yours sincerely, Lonnie
Dear Lonnie,
Most women would like nothing more than to be attractive enough to qualify as sex objects. Sadly, most do not even come close. In my experience, this is particularly true of Russian and American women. It is therefore the moral duty of a caring and sensitive regime to promote gender roles with such low demands that everybody can be equally successful. That's where feminism comes in.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Why do you smoke a cigar not cigarettes or a pipe?
yours sincerely, Carrie
Dear Carrie,
Cigarettes are a symbol of capitalist exploitation. For half a century, American imperialists have bullied the oppressed peoples of puppet dictatorships like Thailand into buying cigarettes, in order to enrich themselves at the expense of the workers of the world. Pipes suck.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Why do we have to attend compulsory sexual harrassment training when both our government and our university pay lip service to academic freedom?
yours sincerely, Larry
Dear Larry,
It helps you in career planning. Suppose you deserve promotion, but the way up is blocked by some jerk who refuses to step aside or retire. The best way to get rid of them is a fabricated case of sexual harrassment. Training sessions help as not everyone is imaginative enough to come up with a story about coke cans and pubic hair all on their own!
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Do you keep a dog or a cat?
yours sincerely, Bill
Dear Bill,
I keep a bunch of hamsters and when they stop turning those little wheels I attach electrodes to their tiny reproductive organs and give them electric shocks. The electricity for the shocks is generated by the turning wheels, illustrating how a healthy state of natural balance can only be achieved by a communist economy.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
What is your interpretation of gender roles in Winnie the Pooh?
yours sincerely, Gloria
Dear Gloria,
This book is truly profound. Christopher Robin is obviously the white male oppressor. The name Winnie, just as obviously, signifies a struggle to escape from the confining and belittling gender stereotypes enforced by genderocentric names such as Winston or Winifred. But did you realise that the lack of empowerment of Piglet(te) refers to the status of female police officers in an uncaring male-dominated society? And what of the gloomy donkey, Eeyore? Surely a subtle reference to the Democratic Party and its partial success in the him-or-heroic struggle to replace the sexist slur "he" with "Eeyore-she".
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Are greyhounds capitalist running dogs?
yours sincerely, Carlotta
Dear Carlotta,
Whether it uses greyhounds, horses or one-armed bandits, gambling is still just a sleazy capitalist scam run by fascist hyenas. Poor people should be forced to spend their money paying for their children to attend compulsory lectures in multiculturalism so enriching politically correct university administrators instead of being allowed to gamble it away to the benefit of some rich casino owner.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Surely casinos run by Native Americans on their Tribal Territories are politically correct? You should apologize for even hinting that Native Americans could be fascist hyenas.
yours sincerely, Caring-Coyote (previously "Running-Bull")
Dear Running-Bull,
What's wrong with "RED Indians"?
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
How do you explain the lousy environmental record of the Soviet block nations? Don't you male-chauvinist communists care about our mother Gaia?
yours sincerely, Dharma
Dear Dharma,
What a blatantly sexist name you have! Have you forgotten that the Hindus used to burn unwanted widows on their husbands funeral pyres - and dismiss it casually as being fate or "dharma"?
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
I have just started a new job and I really, really like this guy who works in the same office. But there's a problem, he has bad breath - it really stinks. What should I do? I don't want to succumb to the greed-oriented capitalists who sell breath freshening mints, but I have to do something.
yours sincerely, desperately in love
Dear Whoever,
Life sucks. Capitalism stinks. American imperialism stinks. Precious few KGB officers brush their teeth regularly. Most Cubans stink too. But life goes on. Dump this guy and get someone who has the wits to cover his bad breath by smoking cigars.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
I have these really deep urges to dress in my girlfriends underwear. How exactly can socialism help me? Should I try to get a job at Victoria's Secret?
yours sincerely, social outcast
Dear Outcast,
Don't push it. We leftists may pretend to care about perverts, but that's only because we need the support of large numbers of losers. Queen Victoria was an enemy of the people. Her "secrets" are all fascist plots and conspiracies. As for people like you, they should be shot.
yours sensitively, Fidel
Dear Fidel,
Both married and single men are addressed as Mr. So shouldn't women be addressed as Ms. instead of Mrs. or Miss?
yours sincerely, Tipper
Dear Tipper,
A genuine believer in gender equality would use the title "comrade" for both men and women. The introduction of Ms has resulted in three groups of women. Mrs is used by those who regard raising children as more important than government paperwork, Miss by those who are attactive to men, and Ms by those who can't get a job without help from affirmative action. One thing is absolutely certain, no one should be called Tipper!!
yours sensitively, Fidel
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