The Sorrowful Saga of The

It was Halloween of 1999 (that's 666 upside down if you ignore the 1). It was a balmy, subtropical night. A full moon shone overhead, and the fireflies flitted among the trees outside. An accountant named Freddie slumped on the sofa in front of the TV, his gut hanging out over his belt. He stared slack jawed at the screen, an empty beer can dangling from his chubby fist, a born couch potato. The clock struck twelve. Freddie began to change. A baffled expression passed over his dull features. His mousy hair began to writhe and was sucked into his skull like spaghetti into the mouth of a starving Italian. His stubby unathletic limbs became shorter and lumpier. His skin slowly changed to a brownish hue with the occasional green patch. Right in front of my eyes he was changing into a creature of the dark-side - a were-potato! The were-potato moved sluggishly and lurched from side to side in a drunken stagger. It began emitting a low grunting sound as it moved towards me. What possible danger could there be from an animated vegetable - even a man-sized one with a bad temper? It (Freddie?) bumped into the coffee table. There was a scrunching sound and a shower of sawdust spattered over my shoes. I couldn't believe my eyes. One whole corner of the table had disappeared and the severed leg lay on the floor its upper end ragged and splintered. An ominous bulge was pulsating on the left side of the were-potato - just where it had hit the table. Like all creatures of the dark-side the were-potato was a predator! They might be hidden, but this veggie had fangs! Chilling reality trickled into my tired brain, a scream burst from my lips and I scrambled to get out of the way, staggering as rapidly as anyone who is working on their second six-pack. I tripped and fell. The were-potato was only a few inches away. It slowed, grunted twice and lurched to where I lay. I felt it's clammy underside settle down on my chest and I knew it was the end. I shut my eyes and tried not to scream. Even if I were being consumed by a monster vegetable, I could at least die with the dignity befitting a member of a species of hairless and tailless monkeys. A minute passed. An hour. A lifetime. After an eternity the numbing weight lifted. I could feel nothing except the cold slimy patch on my chest. I opened my eyes. The were-potato was gone, but I was still here! My shirt was gone too, only the plastic buttons remained. Cotton! - My shirt was made of cotton. Like the wooden table, it was vegetable in origin. Perhaps because I'm basically a meat and potatoes type of guy, it suddenly struck me - were-wolves eat animals and were-potatoes eat vegetables! The were-potato was a cannibal - it preyed on its own kind!! I was still laughing with relief when I heard a scrunching sound from the floor above. I ran upstairs. Through the open bedroom door I watched as the wooden bed-frame disappeared followed by the cotton sheets. I noticed that the were-potato seemed to be getting larger. What would happen when daylight came and this gross veggie monster reverted to human form? Would Freddie reappear unchanged or would the extra bulk turn him into a 500 lb. glob of semi-humanoid fat? I never found out. There was a splintering, cracking sound and the were-potato disappeared from view through a gaping hole in the floorboards. That was the last I saw of Freddie. Where Freddie met the free-living tumors from Lindegren Hall and how they made their way to Campus Lake remains shrouded in mystery. The most popular theory is that the mobile tumors had been migrating for some years to the dirt, slime and toxic waste of Campus Lake where they feel more at home. Probably, the were-potato stumbled into the lake and the merger happened down in the slime. Why did this happen to Freddie? I think it just shows that you should avoid excess, even in something as morally sensitive as vegetarianism. Freddie was ate too much tofu and broccoli and he even liked okra. He popped vitamin pills and drank only caffeine free diet soda. Perhaps that's the connection. Remember that the free-living tumors had been fed on caffeine free diet soda.