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We hear a lot about educating tomorrows leaders, but who will educate tomorrows followers? Here at SIU we believe in the value of conformity. It is all to easy to wander off on your own, with complete disregard for society and the convenience of the administrators, lawyers and politicians. Conformity takes moral courage!! Think inside the box is the motto for our new Saluki Sheep Initiative!!
New Fund-Raising Initiatives New Weekly Schedule
Southern 151 - Programs and
Initiatives
Ever a world leader in servile groveling to political expediency, SIU is providing yet another new program of politically motivated preferential treatment masquerading as social justice. In response to a Republican administration, SIU programs to provide preferential treatment to incompetents in return for their political allegiance have been expanded to include rednecks, creationists and country music fans in addition to the usual self-pitying melange of Alternatively-Lifestyled Americans, Alternatively-Gendered Americans, Alternatively-Ethnic Americans and Alternatively-Abled Americans. The SIU administration is proud to lead the way in expanding the concept of multiculturalism to include supposedly-discriminated-against and challenged-by-whatever Americans who vote Republican.
SIU therefore announces its new Equal Representation, Rights, and Opportunities for Rednecks (ERROR) initiative. A number of graduate assistantships will be made available to Solar-Radiation-Challenged Americans wishing to pursue an academic career. Proof of both IL-literacy and of IL-residency is required. The ERROR initiative consists of two sub-programs:
RED-PREP: A special pre-medical program intended for rural applicants with experience treating sick farm animals and who want to expand their expertise to include treating people.
WORMS (Wider Opportunities for Rednecks in Mortuary Science): As affirmative action generates an increasing number of disadvantaged doctors, we will need to cater for the results! As they say, "Better Dead than Red!"
SIU has long been known for providing academically valueless programs, such as "university studies" for naïve students who think that any university degree will make them rich.
We are now broadening this concept to exploit the old and retired too. Why not take a degree in worthless studies after your working years are over? After all, a useless and unmarketable degree is no hindrance to your career when you are retired.
Let's face it, old folks have squirrelled away most of the money in this nation and SIU is strapped for cash. What's more, how many old folks are going to throw beer cans on the strip on halloween? It's about time we faced economic reality and stopped wasting education on young people who not only don't appreciate it but, worse by far, can't afford to pay the sort of big bucks that SIU deserves.
BA in Worthless Studies includes:
According to the new SIU Vice President for the Financial Exploitation of the Under-Represented and Disadvantaged, "Enrolling credulous old folks in worthless studies is ..... well it's like taking candy from kids." If senior enrollment goes well, SIU is hoping to launch an initiative for the memory-challenged. Oldsters with Alzheimer's will be able to take over again courses they have forgotten for half price.
Life sucks and then you die. But at SIU its not the end because there's....
"We, that is to say, those of us here at SIU, need to build on our present and concurrent strengths, neutrality's and/or weaknesses. Particularly including both the latter and also not excluding the former". So said yet another of SIU's ever expanding Horde of Extraneous Rarely Needed Indistinguishable Administrators (HERNIA). "What has SIU got that Harvard does not? - We have a state funded Alzheimer's Initiative, Emeritus College and the Mortuary Science Program. That's why they call us Senile Illinois University!" But these achievements pale into total insignificance compared to SIU's next venture: Posthumous College.
Many universities have programs in the life sciences, but how many give equal treatment to the death sciences? The traditional prejudice of the right-wing military-industrial complex in favor of the pre-deceased has deleteriously affected not only the courses offered but also student enrollment. Post-living students have had even greater problems in gaining acceptance than homosexuals and minorities. This has greatly contributed to the present intolerably and intentionally inequitable system of cynical social injustice dominated by LIVING White Males. What SIU is working towards is a sincerely caring, socially concerned, totally aware society with greater participation by Women, Minorities, Alternative-Lifestyle-Persons, and the Living-Impaired.
Posthumous College will be staffed by faculty who recently retired from Emeritus College. In this age of shrinking budgets it is important to emphasize that these changes will be made by natural attrition, not by firing, (except in the case of those who voluntarily opt for cremation). Posthumous College has an invigorating (at times incinerating!) program, provided by faculty ranging from the recently resuscitated to the permanently putrescent. At present Posthumous College has no Dean - unfortunately the three applicants for the position were all equally qualified - a dead heat, so to speak.
In addition to the post-living-dead, Posthumous College caters to several groups of the living-dead. These range from ex-jocks employed as administrators to senile tenured faculty who merely cannot remember if they are still alive or not.
At present the following courses are offered:
DEAD 101: Better Read than Dead - Literature written by the non-living.
DEAD 205: Ancient Egyptian Embalming - From women's studies to mummy science in the ancient world.
DEAD 371: Post Mortal Syndrome (PMS) - Psychological problems of the post-living.
In recent years, SIU branch campuses have been proliferating like cancers among the culturally unwary. Posthumous College is hoping to recruit faculty from the ranks of the un-dead, the so-called prof-feratu, by opening a branch campus in Transylvania (SIU-T) - a vastly greater reservoir of intellectual talent than Mount Vernon.
Posthumous College is building a dynamic graduate program. The acting director, presently on vacation at Club-Ded, hopes that in the near future a Doctor of Decomposition (DD) degree will be available, together with the Ph.D. (Post-humous Doctorate). In co-operation with other SIU units, Posthumous College is involved in several projects. These include the Small Business Incinerator, a program designed to destroy the livelihood of profitable small businesses. The founders of the Posthumous College program believe that death is a grave matter. We hope to replace the trite saying, "Have a nice day!" with one of eternal significance - "Have another bier!"
We have cobbled together this new College by merging yesterdays politically correct pseudo-intellectual drivel with more pious twaddle designed for a new millenium of lowered standards. We want to build a society where all groups of inferior people can pretend they are really just as good. The role of education is to provide the right excuse. Here is a tedious list of the sort of pathetic programs for the self-pitying that we intend to offer to anyone credulous enough to cough up the fees.
If message above is flashing you have
been selected as a loser. Please enroll in the College of
Politically Correct Studies
Thanks to the colossal costs of litigation promoted by the lawyers and liberals with enthusiastic support from the universities an ever increasing number of poorer Americans cannot afford proper medical coverage. What society needs is a program that supplies the poor with medical "care" but doesn't raise the taxes of civil rights lawyers or liberal academics. SIU has the answer. Alternative medicine for alternative people (at an alternative price).
The great virtue of bogus medicine is that it is cheap. So SIU has taken the daring and radical approach of combining quackery with political correctness. Who would risk being smeared as a racist because they criticised Native American medicine? Who wants to be stereotyped as a homophobe for pointing out that homeopathic medicine doesn't work?
Another great advantage of phoney medicine is that since it doesn't work anyway, it really doesn't matter if its practitioners understand it. We can all see the great advantage this provides in the area of medical school admissions. No longer do we need worry whether students admitted to comply with affirmative action will make worse doctors.
The new initiative includes the following:
Although all enlightened persons agree that enrollment should be limited to the disadvantaged, the details have still to be thrashed out. SIU's President Walker believes that enrollment should be limited to blacks. However, Fidel Castro would include smokers and lesbians, provided that they can provide documentary evidence of failure to get into genuine medical school. Other unresolved problems include the location of the program. Walker sticks to his previous proposal for a site in Cuba, but Chancellor Wendler favors using the abandoned Iraqi bioweapons facility on the outskirts of Baghdad.