| As you know we have
run out of money both for renovating the SIU library and for moving
back the books, although not of course for the new football stadium.
The SIU Library has a whole empty floor – waiting for what? |
|
Thanks to King Glenn IL, we now have big plans for
this empty space. Not just one but TWO halls of fame. As President
Poshard, with his well known flair for originality put it:
“Two Halls
are Better than One!” |
|
The
Saluki Athletics Hall of Fame will share the top floor with the Saluki
Administrator Hall of Fame. This will feature life size portraits of
all previous university presidents and chancellors (except Wendler and
Trevino who will be quarter size and hung in the wire closet). Paying
for this will require cutting some unnecessary journal subscriptions.
But, as Sam Goldman, the present no-longer-interim chancellor has
pointed out, “We all need to make sacrifices for the common good.”
The vestibule will be centered around a 24 foot statue of Ex-Gov Rod
Blagojevich, embracing IL senator and legendary SIU alumnus Roland
Burris. “Hot Rod helped break ground for the library and his trivial
infringements of pointless government regulations are negligible in
comparison,” says SIU Legal Counsel Jerry Blakemore, who also
reiterated his claim that no one on the board of trustees has ever
acted unethically however much they may have donated to Blagojevich.
|
 |
| Hi-Tech Help (Plagiotron) Another
major innovation for the library is the installation of a brand new
cybernetic dissertation enhancement system (CDES). This will especially
help PhD candidates in the SIU School of Education. |
|
The CDES, nicknamed the Plagiotron, is a newly invented hybrid of
scanner and supercomputer. It scans and records bulky documents such as
government reports and PhD dissertations in just a few milliseconds
using new optical technology developed by DARPA in collaboration with
the National Security Agency.
The Plagiotron may be programmed to generate new documents of the same
class by cobbling together and rearranging segments from scanned
material. The Plagiotron mark II also generates large numbers of
citations, some to documents not yet composed, for the reference
section. | 
An Air Crane sits in an SIU parking lot after delivering the Plagiotron to the SIU library. | According to SIU’s Blue Ribbon Committee, “The Plagiotron will increase
the number of education PhDs generated by SIU by at least 5-10 fold
over the next three years.”
|
| E-Books as the Future | |
A new hybrid coal/book power plant is being installed under the
new football stadium. This will power underground heating for the
football pitch and floodlights for night games.
| Another benefit of technology is the replacement of ink-on-paper
publishing with e-books. The outmoded books stored in the library annex
are no longer needed. Instead of wasting precious dollars bringing them
back to the Morris Library they will instead be burned as fuel to
generate electricity.
 Useless books from library annex | 
After
disposing of the stored books, theses and dissertations from the School
of Education will be next to go. Since even those that are
non-plagiarized are intellectually worthless this will be the first
time this material has been of any practical use. |
