First Administrators in Space

NASA announced today another first in the conquest of space: an administrator in orbit. This is the latest step in an escalating competition of downsmanship which started when the Soviets launched a Rhesus monkey in 1982. The United States countered with a woman, the Soviets replied by sending up a Pole, and now the United States has pulled out all its stops by launching a pair of university administrators.

Although thought experiments are widely used in astrophysics, this is a totally new departure &emdash; a totally thoughtless operation. "This time when the countdown reaches 'zero', they'll really mean it!" declares Dr. Stewart "Stu" Pydde, director of the Division of Intergalactic Mental Welfare and Interplanetary Traumatization. The NASA mission was hastened in response to rumors from the USSR. Apparently, the 2197 chief area administrators of the Marxist Organization for the Re-evaluation of Ontological Neo-Leninism were left unobserved by the KGB for nearly ten minutes. When the conference room was entered, the administrators were found frozen rigid in total darkness. It has been known for many years that administrators consume resources, producing nothing in return. However, the possibility that a critical mass (13 x 13 x 13 = 2197) of administrators could spontaneously form a black hole is nothing short of mind-boggling. The U.S. space launch is intended to test the theory that massive black holes detected in other galaxies are in fact the remains of "advanced" civilizations whose populations became so devoted to paperwork that they suffered Bilaterally Recurring Administrative Incapacitative Necrosis and Dysfunctional Entropic Administrative Thought Hemorrhage.

The capsule will also contain some newts and a gerbil or two. According to Cal Q. Late, mission budget officer, "We will bring back the advanced life forms, but the administrators will be ejected into space before re-entry. It just isn't worth the extra fuel to recover dead weight in these days of economic stringency."

Comments have been pouring in from around the world. According to Jesse Jackson, "black hole" is a term of racial abuse. In England, Sir Gervase Wymmpe-Smythe, honorary secretary of the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Administrators) said he felt the administrators should be given a painless, lethal injection to avoid the agony of explosive decomprehension. "Perhaps a trained Rhesus monkey could be sent along to administer the injection," he suggested. Meanwhile, Grumpy, president of the Dwarfs of the American Revolution avowed that too much attention has been given to traditional targets of discrimination. "It's time NASA made a genuine commitment to human right by including size-impaired Americans. Size-impaired persons can use facilities designed for Rhesus monkeys without modification."

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