All administrative positions at IIU are presently open. Interested applicants should send a letter naming the position(s) they are applying for, describing their qualifications, and stating their moral commitment to mediocrity and stagnation. Although space does not permit listing the requirements for each position individually, successful candidates will be chosen from those able to document commitment to the following general principles:
a) Devotion to increasing the salaries and privileges of the administrative caste.
b) Servile and cringing conformity to all aspects of political correctness.
c) Disdain for the opinions of faculty, staff and students.
d) Total lack of concern for academic freedom or honesty.
e) Utter indifference to educational quality.
Successful appointees will be allowed to rename the positions for which they are hired, provided either that the new name is longer than the old name or that the new name is the same as the previous name of another administrative position.
Although faculty salaries here at IIU are well below average, those for administrators are comfortably inflated. Furthermore, successful appointees will be able to award themselves large and undeserved pay raises and to divert funds intended for education to expanding their own office staff and facilities.
IIU is committed to non-discrimination in venal administrative self-interest and invites applications from whining women and mediocre minorities in accordance with EEO guidelines.
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. The element tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 associate neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 assistants to the associate neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memo-ons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to Dr. M. Languor, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction which normally takes less than a second take over four days.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead it undergoes a rearrangement in which assistants to the neutron, associate neutrons, and assistants to the associate neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Administratium was originally discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the Physics Department and dumped all of his papers into the intake hatch of the laboratory's particle accelerator. "Apparently the interaction of all those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element.", Dr. Languor explained.
Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is more likely to be found on college and university campuses and at National Laboratories, near the best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Contribution Facility to be
Named $50,000,000 Campus $10,000,000 Arena $5,000,000 Large building $1,000,000 Small building $500,000 Auditorium $100,000 Laboratory $50,000 Classroom $10,000 Parking lot $5,000 Seminar room $1,000 Bathroom $100 Broom closet Did nothing while SIU's
resources trickled away Urinal
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