Administrator Appreciation Area

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Sick of administrators already? Then - Visit the Brain

ADMINISTRATOR BRAIN DEVELOPMENT GENE CLONED!!!!

When an organ is no longer used it becomes vestigial and gradually shrinks away like the human appendix. The lower two mice in this picture received a copy of the brain development gene from two separate university administrators. The resulting mice which have only a stump tipped with ears, are referred to as no-brainers. They hold the key to future research into educational administration.

APEP

Administrator Productivity Enhancement Program:

101 Uses for Dead Administrators

Before starting, we must tackle one major question. How do you tell a dead administrator from a living one? It's not so easy. In fact, telling apart administrators on the basis of their viability is like trying to tell cockroaches apart by their sex. In practice the only sure way is to wait a while (quite a long while actually) and see what, if anything, they get up to.

Although this may seem a major technical problem, we should remember that there is usually little point in knowing whether any particular administrator is still viable or not. The matter is, as they say, mostly academic.

The 101 Uses

1) Cattle Feed Supplement. Bulk out your cattle feed with inert fiber free roughage. One possible problem is Bureaucratic Bull Disease. It is thought that transmission of this ghastly ailment may be due to contamination with components of still living administrators. Remedy: autoclave contaminated material thoroughly.

2) Artificial playing field for college sports. Adminiturf is gaining in popularity, especially among the less wealthy educational institutions. One advantage of Adminiturf is that since administrators are spineless, falling over is painfree.

3) Landfill - but then what can't be used for landfill? A major problem is subsidence due to lack of structural integrity. Usually OK as long as no heavy structures are built on top.

4) Hamburger Helper. If you thought tofu was tasteless, characterless, and lacking in texture, you should try Adminichow by Spurina.

5) Book-Ends. A pilot project using compressed administrators as book-ends in university libraries revealed some bizarre and unforseen side effects. Books close to the administrative book-ends were found to progressively lose all their informational content. Apparently, even contact with deceased administrators results in the erasure of useful information. Nonetheless, since administrative book-ends only degrade objective information they are harmless to books on the liberal arts, psychology, women's studies, and multiculturalism.

6) Radiation Shielding. Even the most energetic subatomic particles lose their energy and enthusiasm after passing through just a few thin layers of Adminifilm.

7) Gargoyles for the backyard. Not very scary, just ugly. Suitable for the aesthetically challenged or those with small children.

8) Crash-Test Dummies.

9) Draught-Excluders. You know - those things you lay along the bottom of doors to keep the hot air in!

10) Preventing illegal immigration. Just as the Chinese built the Great Wall of China to keep out undesirable elements, so the US immigration service is considering piling up post-living administrators to build a bureaucratic barricade alongside the Rio Grande. This project has been code-named NAFTA: Non-living Administrators For Terminating Access.

11) Mannequins to display fashions in thrift stores.

12) Speed-Bumps - the mere presence of administrators tends to slow down just about anything - even sports cars of German manufacture. It's known as the far-from-moving effect.

13) Providing an enthusiastic audience for speeches by presidential candidates.

14) Building levees for flood control. Not only does this spare sand, but it is not necessary for emergency workers to spend valuable time filling sand-bags. The administrative units can be deployed as is. It has even been suggested that the Great Flood of '94 could have been avoided by astute deployment of the Illinois Corps of University Administrators.