Quit Zoomin' Those Hands Through the Air (Details)
citation: Collier's, August 4, 1951, 128(5):18-19, 46-48
alias: None
teaser: Air power in the Civil War? Well, it's been a pretty well-kept secret all these years, but we had it. The Major and me invented it ourselves.
summary: A grandfather tells the story of when he was a bugler — and the world's first airplane pilot — during the Civil War.
After riding with a major for two days, they arrive in Washington, DC at night. The major, who carries a mysterious black box, explains he'd been a professor at Harvard before the war, and had a plan to win the war. The major pushes a button on the box, then claims to be eighty-odd years in the future. Their goal: To find something from the future to help them win the war.
At the Smithsonian Institution, they see a military tank, mistaking it for a storage tank, a camouflaged artillery piece, and then aircraft, eventually settling on the Wright brother's biplane, first flown at Kitty Hawk.
The major sends the bugler in search of petrol, used for cleaning uniforms, while the major removes the airplane from the museum. When he returns, the bugler sees the major outside, with the aircraft. The major explains he removed the plane by first going back in time to when the museum did not exist, stepping forward to where the craft would be, going forward in time, then reversing the process, this time with the aircraft. The major moves them both, with the airplane, into the future.
Although the bugler does not believe the major's story, they fuel the airplane, and start it. The use their horses to launch the plane, with the bugler piloting it.
Nearly crashing into the Washington Monument, the bugler gets the knack of flying the plane. The major returns them to Civil War times, and they head for Union headquarters.
On the way to headquarters, the bugler buys some more applejack whiskey from a sentry, lashing the jug onto one of the airplane's wings. Eventually, he and the major arrive at headquarters, and are admitted to General Grant's tent where the major proposes using the flying machine to help Grant at the battle of Cold Harbor. Grant assigns the pair to fly over Lee's positions, and mark them on a map.
The bugler fuels the plane, and they start it up, launching it over a cliff. But this time, the craft is acting strangely; high-spirited, and difficult to control. It's pilot, the bugler, is himself a little giddy with all the applejack he's been drinking. The major takes time out from cursing his young pilot, and begins noting troop positions below.
When they return to headquarters with the map, the bugler notices his jug
of whiskey is empty, and assumes the sentry stole it back from him. He and
the major then rush to return the Wright brother's plane to the Smithsonian
before daylight or the space-time continuum will be broken.
The next day, they read the shocking news that Grant's attack at Cold Harbor failed due to faulty knowledge of Rebel positions.
Years later, the narrator has an opportunity to meet President Grant at a New Year's reception at the White House. There the bugler admits, he — and Grant — were not the only ones drinking that night.
words: 6,220
genre: An Old Tune
similar: None
people: Unnamed Narrator , the Major, Ulysses S. Grant
places: Washington, DC: Pennsylvania Avenue, the White House, Smithstonian Institution; Cold Harbor, VA
comments: Forthcoming