Coffee again. Or not. Because once in a while I woke up in the morning and have no time to prepare a cup of coffee so I sip a can of Red Bull. And you know what? I doesn't work. Why?

Look at the numbers: a can of Red Bull has 250 ml and 0.03% caffeine. That would be 250 * 0.03 / 100 = 0.075, that's 75 mg of caffeine. It's a joke! A nice cup of coffee (my double espresso or a strong drip coffee) has to have up to 200 mg of caffeine. But 75, that's an ice tea, for Christ's sake!

So, let's google up this caffeine thing. A ton of things come up. Let's pick three, I don't have all day.

One. “Caffeine is an alkaloid. You can consume caffeine orally, rectally, intravenously, or intramuscularly.” Orally would be just fine for now, thanks. “Caffeine was used first around 350 AD in China. When coffee spread to Europe around 1000 AD it was thought to be so stimulating that it was banned as an intoxicating drug. In early America, the use of tea and coffee was thought to lead to the use of tobacco, alcohol, opium, etc.” Oh, these Chinese again, they seem to be invented just about everything. “The half life of caffeine is about 3 to 7 hours. So, it takes about 15-35 hours for 95% of caffeine to be eliminated.” 3 to 7 hours -- so much with that no-coffee 4 hours before going to bed thing.

Two. « Regular use of upwards of 350 mg of caffeine a day causes physical dependence on the drug. This means that interruption of the regular use produces a characteristic withdrawal syndrome, the most conspicuous feature of which is an often severe headache that can be relieved by taking caffeine. Absence of caffeine also makes regular users feel irritable and tired. Relief from these withdrawal effects is often given as a reason for using caffeine. Caffeine use may increase blood pressure. »

Ok, pay attention now, here comes the part I like most: « Caffeine stimulates the brain and behavior. Use of 75-150 mg of caffeine elevates neural activity in many parts of the brain, postpones fatigue, and enhances performance at simple intellectual tasks and at physical work that involves endurance but not fine motor coordination. (Caffeine-caused tremor can reduce hand steadiness.) » Ha? Told you so! Fine motor coordination aside, this is what I’m talking about: being smarter! ;)

« Caffeine’s effects on complex intellectual tasks and on mood do not lend themselves to a simple summary. The effects depend on the personality of the user, on the immediate environment, on the user’s knowing whether caffeine has been taken, and even on the time of day.

The effects of caffeine on sleep are clear-cut: taken before bedtime, it usually delays sleep onset, shortens overall sleep time, and reduces the “depth” of sleep. After using caffeine, sleepers are more easily aroused, move more during sleep, and report a reduction in the quality of sleep. The effects of caffeine on dreaming are less clear.

Larger doses of caffeine, especially when given to non-users, can produce headache, jitteriness, abnormally rapid heartbeat (tachycardia), convulsions, and even delirium. Near-fatal doses cause a crisis resembling the state of a diabetic without insulin, including high levels of blood sugar and the appearance of acetone-like substances in urine. The lowest known dose fatal to an adult has been 3,200 mg - administered intravenously by accident. The fatal oral dose is in excess of 5,000 mg - the equivalent of 40 strong cups of coffee taken in a very short space of time. » Keep it low, guys, keep it under 40 strong cups “in a very short space of time,” although next time someone threatens you with committing suicide, you may suggest the 40-cups caffeine overdose suicide method. In a very short space of time.

Three. So how much caffeine can we expect to find in the stuff we drink? Here is a fairly decent list, but don't take it for granted, figures are varying largely from one source to another.

◊ Drip – 115-175
◊ Espresso – 100mg of caffeine other sources say 200mg, and a double espresso definitely *has* to have around 200 or in excess.
◊ Brewed – 80-135
◊ Instant – 65-100
◊ Decaf, brewed – 3-4
◊ Decaf, instant – 2-3
◊ Tea, iced – 70
◊ Tea, brewed, imported – 60
◊ Tea, brewed, U.S. – 40
◊ Tea, instant – 30

What about tea, then? My beloved colleagues try to convince me, the coffee diehard, that the theine in tea is a waaay far better office-drug of choice. Is it true that tea has no caffeine? What is theine, theobromine, etc? From “Principles of biochemistry”, Horton and al, 1993:

« Caffeine is sometimes called “theine” when it’s in tea. This is probably due to an ancient misconception that the active constituent is different. [...] Caffeine is present in tea leaves and in coffee to the extent of about 4%. Tea also contains two other alkaloids, theobromine and theophylline. These last two relax the smooth muscles where caffeine stimulates the heart and respiratory systems. »

So much with that healthy theine. I’m sorry to shatter you dreams, my health consciousness friends - but it’s the exact same ugly animal. Damn, let’s have another coffee.