The Rest of Us

Submission #5 to the New Yorker:

John Kerry, Feel My Pain!

John Kerry has spoken of his plan to raise taxes on “only” the top two percent of taxpayers in this country. As a member of this elite if overburdened club, let me say this: what of our needs? If you cut us, do we not bleed? And if we bleed, do we not require medical assistance in an expensive private hospital where we will nevertheless almost undoubtedly make contact with the unwashed other 98 percent of humanity?

This is not my only concern. What of our children being left behind? Many private schools do not offer bus service, resulting in the need for carpools, which are notoriously unreliable.

Even so, education is a priority, for the country, and for us. The cost of coaching for the pre-school entrance exams alone meant we had to change our winter vacations plans and go to Aruba this year, rather than St. Bart’s. And here’s something I’ll never tell my friends: for the flight, we had to use frequent flier miles to upgrade—to Business Class.

So taxing us unduly will have an obviously detrimental impact. Louis Vuitton handbags don’t just grow on trees.

And of course the immediate result will be to drive up the cost of attorneys’ fees, in order to create new tax shelters. Most of these attorneys are well into the two percent bracket themselves, so whom are you helping, really?

Speaking of helping—which is all we really want to do—my heart breaks to think of the charities we would no longer be able to support. Enron, high-definition television, the airlines, boutique wineries, adopting children from poor countries; the list goes on.

Let’s examine a few other inequities in the tax code. Poor people receive a $1000 per child credit, while we receive no support for our beloved pets, not even for their medical expenses. And now that we can’t import prescription drugs from Canada, my Xanax costs have simply skyrocketed.

Which brings me to energy policy. Who drives the massive SUVs and pseudo-military vehicles that keep the economy in Detroit humming along? We do, and a gallon of gas now costs as much as—well, I don’t really know, but much more than it did before. Moreover, many of the roads we drive weren’t engineered properly, and are therefore crumbling beneath our massive tires; will we be expected to pay to fix the engineering mistakes of the past, as well?

Finally, no one ever talks about all the people we support: housekeepers, cooks, nannies, nutritionists, gardeners, dog walkers, real-estate agents, contractors, life coaches, and yoga instructors, each of whom insists on being paid in cash. They don’t pay a penny of taxes on that income! Surely that makes up the tax difference between them and us?

Hear our voices, John Kerry! We, the oppressed few, scraping by on $500,000 per year, without even a summer house to show for it. The rich aren’t different from you and me! But we will be if you take our money away.

From “50 Tries” at kiersten.connersax.com