Season's Greetings (Wink!)

Submission #10 to the New Yorker:

Dear Friends and Family-

We trust that the holidays are treating you as well as they are treating us! Ted and I and the kids just wanted to let you know what we've been up to over the past year.

Things did start off a little wobbly when we had that "wardrobe malfunction" (wink!) in front of everyone during the Super Bowl. We didn't know that one of the guests would come in while we were licking guacamole off each other in the kitchen at halftime! A passion like ours knows no bounds, no matter what the FCC says!

We did move a few months later (as you can see from the return address!) to a house that we're pretty sure is larger and in a better neighborhood than any of yours. We know it's a long drive, but come over and see for yourself! We just love sitting in the sunroom, strolling the grounds, and having tea in the library on the third floor while we look down on all of our neighbors. Literally!

As many of you know, Ted is always busy with his "blog." He just loves to "blog," day and night. Who knew that a straight, upstanding man like Ted could be so fascinated with plushies and plushophiles! He thinks they're hysterical, you should read it.

The kids are loving their new rooms, new school, and new friends. Todd finally has the wine cellar he's always wanted—so precocious at 15! We like to encourage his hobbies. And we all know you spit that wine right back out after you taste it! Can you imagine how this activity will look on his college applications?

I'm proud to say that Megan has turned low-carb dieting into an art form. Of course, it helps that she has her own private bathroom now! We gave her the traditional gift of a "Beemer" when she got down to a size 4. Just the 325i model, though; it's not as if she'd gotten down to a size 2.

And I can't forget about the baby—he's still our favorite, after all! Brian has been so happy to leave his old school behind. No more cutting classes, or starting fires, or creating anthrax scares. Really, no one at that school even thought to channel his creativity into firearms, the way we have. It's such a shame when the public schools fail bright, innocent children. Whatever happened to no child left behind!?!

We did have some down times, too, this year. Sadly, our cat, Mr. Muffles, and Ted's mother both died in June. So long, Mr. Muffles! Someday we'll hear you purr again, in heaven. Megan claims the whole thing never would have happened if we'd bought her the BMW 6 series convertible, due to the increased visibility. Sadly, we'll never know for sure.

Me? Well, I'm busy with my new favorite show, Desperate Housewives! I've bought all the "I'm Desperate" merchandise. As soon as it came on, I said, "Ted, that's sooo me." Not the one who shoots herself, or the harried, overly fertile one. But I'm always in the chat rooms talking about how it's so true—having kids can be hard, and divorce is hard, and sometimes your husband travels. Or it can be really hard, like when you're a superrich former model having wild sex with the underage gardener, like me, but still desperate and unsatisfied. Just kidding! Everyone knows our gardener isn't underage. And I'm not having any wild sex, except with Ted, and the guacamole!

So we're wishing all of you a bright, happy, healthy holiday season! Just not as bright as ours. Wink!

From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com