Donald
Rumsfeld Hit by Cupid's Arrow
By Kiersten
Conner-Sax (as Charlie
Spencer)
|
WASHINGTON, Feb. 14 –Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld confirmed today that he has been hit by Cupid's arrow, and currently is in love with 'Alias' star Jennifer Garner. "The goal with respect to Ms. Garner is passionate lovemaking," Mr. Rumsfeld told an assembled group of reporters. "Am I aflame with desire for her? Yes." When asked whether he had informed Ms. Garner, Rumsfeld replied that he had, though he declined to specify her response, and whether he spoke to her or her representatives. A reporter asked how Mr. Rumsfeld's wife of 51 years, Joyce, felt about the matter. "Well, that's a fair question. I intend to divorce her," he replied. "I have a lot of things I worry about and try and think through, and that was one thing I could do nothing about." Mr. Rumsfeld has been married to Joyce Rumsfeld since 1954. They have three children and five grandchildren. Mrs. Rumsfeld said in an interview that if her husband was in fact leaving her, he was making a fine choice. "She's a quite attractive young lady," she said, blushing and giggling. Mrs. Rumsfeld is the founding Chair of the Chicago chapter of Concerned Women for Reparative Therapy for Gays and Lesbians. Mr. Rumsfeld's passion is further complicated by the well-known extant romance between Ms. Garner and (perhaps former) film star Ben Affleck. Ironically, Mr. Affleck and Mr. Rumsfeld were named two of the "sexiest men alive" by People magazine in 2002. "Clearly there are challenges ahead," Mr. Rumsfeld stated when asked about Mr. Affleck. "But the knowledge that existed with him is now no longer operational. He was in that 'Bennifer' situation with Jennifer Lopez for some time. There's no 'Bennifer 2' here. He now is out of commission, out of circulation, and that's a good thing." Ms. Garner was also recently linked to her co-star, Michael Vartan, for some months. Of Mr. Vartan, Mr. Rumsfeld said, "So that's ended, and that's a good thing, and the someone is now our hands." When asked what that meant, Mr. Rumsfeld began, "As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknownsÉ" at which point most reporters lost interest. The Angel Cupid's publicist released a statement confirming that Mr. Cupid shot the arrow in question, but had not had a hand in the decision making. "Dude, I just work here," he said when reached for comment. Donald Rumsfeld has a long-held reputation as a lothario. Famous nicknamer President George W. Bush refers to him as "Rumstud," and Rumsfeld biographer Midge Decter has documented that Mr. Rumsfeld was referred to as a "virtual rock star" on CNN and a "babe magnet" on Fox News. Ann Coulter could not be reached for comment. "There's no doubt in my mind, this is achievable," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "She loves me. That's the goal, that's the path we're on." "I can't think of a woman more toned, fit, and ready
for my systematically satisfying lovemaking," he concluded. Contacted on the red
carpet at the opening of her movie "Elektra" in Las Vegas, Ms.
Garner was asked where Mr. Affleck was. Ms. Garner smiled and replied, "I don't know. That's a good question." |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com