Submission #1 to the New Yorker:

 

Upcoming Reality Television Pilots

By Kiersten Conner-Sax

A handy guide to the networks’ new fall offerings.

You Bet Your Life: The Real Las Vegas CSI

If you love crime scene investigations, you’ll love this show! Follow the real LVPD as they photograph hideous accidents, exhume corpses, and take rape kits. Be prepared to visit the real Las Vegas, far from the Strip, where the crimes may not be glamorous, but they certainly are grisly.

America’s Next Adorable Child Star

Is your child America’s next sweetheart? Kathie Lee Gifford travels the country to find 12 hopefuls. Then the kids sing, dance, sneak into bars and take randomized drug tests to find the most adorable of the cuties—and the one most able to handle the rigors of fame. Todd Bridges, Tina Yothers, and Dr. Phil provide judging and commentary. The winner receives a starring role in a sitcom centered on orphans being raised by a better class of people, rich kids being raised by wacky help, or anything with Bill Cosby.

Some Crazy Rich Guy Show (pending mid-season replacement)

Rich guy to be determined, but who wouldn’t like to hang around with a crazy rich guy! He’s bound to have money just falling out of his pockets, or maybe the contestants will be able to scam him out of some! A group of good-looking contestants live together in a fashionably odd, needlessly small space that’s stocked with alcohol, and then perform odd and outrageous feats! The crazy rich guy determines a winner at the end of the show.

Transgender Transitions

Each week, viewers call in to vote for the fabulous transsexual of their choice, until the field narrows to one. Then America will watch the heart-wrenching (and possibly home-wrecking!) decisions s/he’ll have to make along the way to a new life.

People’s Court—of Appeals

Think Judge Judy erred in awarding your ex-boyfriend $1,500 for rent that you already paid? Now, you’ve got redress! Cases from Judge Joe Brown, Judge Hatchett, Texas Justice, Divorce Court, the People’s Court, Judge Mills Lane, and yes, Judge Judy come up before a three-judge panel for a final resolution. Judge Lance Ito, Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum, and Judge Clarence Thomas preside.

Yes, Sir, That’s My Baby!

Regis Philbin hosts the pageant to end all pageants. Birth mothers present their newborns for adoptive couples to select! But what the couples don’t know is that they, too, are under the microscope. If birth mother and adoptive parents make a match, the baby wins $1,000,000!

Angels Face Off

Farrah Fawcett, Jaclyn Smith, Cheryl Ladd, and Kate Jackson team up to see who can solve real-life crimes faster: Charlie’s angels, or Tyra Banks and the Victoria’s Secret Angels, in costume.

The First Wives Club

Meet two women: the first wife, and the trophy wife. After the first wife receives a semi-extreme makeover, viewers vote—should the first wife get her husband back? If the viewers and the couples agree, the couple wins $1,000,000!

Trading Up

Your home is your castle—but what if you could live in a real castle? Contestants are given the makings to turn their homes into showcases. Succeed, and they win a palatial estate! But if our design team doesn’t approve, the family loses their house entirely, and landless royals move in!

The Divorcee, Starring Jennifer Lopez (pending mid-season replacement)

J. Lo’s exes get together to discuss America’s favorite repeat bride. Is it real with Marc Antony? Can she make it last, and why hasn’t it in the past? Ojani Nunez and Cris Judd host a call-in show to spark national debate. Expect special appearances by Sean Combs and Ben Affleck!

The Undecided

Who is the undecided voter? What else are they undecided about? Can psychologists help them learn to get past these impasses, and move on with their lives? This mini-documentary tracks five undecided voters until Election Day, when they are forced to make the ultimate choice.

 

©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax

From “50 Tries” at www.connersax.com