PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE
By Kiersten Conner-Sax
(as Charlie Spencer)
Rudolf
the Red-Nosed Reindeer For
hundreds of years, red-nosed reindeer (not to mention drinker and ladies'
man) Rudolf has been the leader of Santa's sleigh through fair weather and
(mostly) foul. With another Christmas Eve on the horizon, the rough-and-tumble
reindeer pauses to reflect on Judaism, Greek mythology, and parasites. What is your
most marked characteristic? What the fuck
do you think? What are
your favorite names? Vixen, J. Lo, and Teri Hatcher. What is your
motto? Back off,
shortie. Which
historical figure do you most identify with? Sysiphus. Which living
person do you most admire? Dick Cheney. What is your
greatest extravagance? Well, there's
some lichen that probably won't be on the Endangered Species List much
longer. Which living
person do you most despise? I don't want to be too specific, but he shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. What is your
greatest fear? Drunken hordes of elves. What is your
greatest regret? Choosing
flying lessons over tae kwon do. What is your
idea of perfect happiness? A world filled
with the joy of Chanukah. On what
occasion do you lie? When I see the
barometer falling. What is your
current state of mind? Let's just say
that the holidays are a difficult time for a lot of people, elves, and
livestock. What do you
consider your most overrated virtue? Honestly, the
red nose. I saw a doctor at the University of Oslo, Dr. Halvorsen, who
suggested that my "celebrated discoloration" is probably due to a
parasitic infection of the respiratory system. Then he wrote it up in a
medical journal, Parasitology Today. How's that for Christmas cheer? If you could
change one thing about your family, what would it be? I didn't ask
to be born. What do you
regard as the lowest depth of misery? When that fat
bastard feels like going out for a joyride in the middle of July. Which words
or phrases do you most overuse? "Prancer,
seriously, twenty bucks says he isn't going to fit down the chimney this
time." Who are your
heroes in real life? Matt Drudge
and Ann Coulter—she's got some sweet headshots of herself on her blog. What or who
is the greatest love of your life? Listening to Rush Limbaugh with a bottle of oxycontin by my side. Dude knows how to live. What is your
most treasured possession? An autographed
copy of "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids." It's educational and keeps
them quiet. When and
where were you happiest? At the Pole,
when I was a boy. Back before
they'd let me play in any reindeer games. Where would
you like to live? Disneyworld, maybe—I figure they trot me out once a day for one of the parades, and I spend the rest of my time kicking back by Typhoon Lagoon. Which talent
would you most like to have? Knitting seems
to be a craze right now. If you could
choose what to come back as, what would it be? A flightless
bird. What is your
favorite occupation? Clog dancing. What is the
quality you most like in a man? Gravitas and a
slender physique. What is the
quality you most like in a woman? Hot knockers. What do you
most value in your friends? An open bar
tab and a sense of discretion. Who are your
favorite writers? Clement C.
Moore left me out of things, which I really respect. And I think David
Sedaris captured the true spirit of the holiday. Otherwise, Flannery O'Connor,
Faulkner, and probably Beckett. Who is your
favorite hero of fiction? Rabbit
Angstrom. How would
you like to die? At the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular, of heart failure, after giving a ride to every sparkly, red-suited, high-kicking Rockette I can find. |
©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com