Submission #16 to the New Yorker:

Jerry Orbach Crosses Over

By Kiersten Conner-Sax (as Charlie Spencer)

Jerry Orbach, 69, the popular television and Broadway star who died on Dec. 28^th, will be making appearances on a number of NBC shows this February, network executives announced Friday.

“Jerry was a huge talent,” said Dick Wolf. “There’s no reason why his death should hinder his exceptional career.”

Mr. Wolf is the Executive Producer of Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and the upcoming Law & Order: Trial by Jury. Mr. Orbach portrayed Detective Lennie Briscoe on Law & Order for twelve years, and was set to star on Trial by Jury before his death due to prostate cancer.

Mr. Orbach had already filmed three episodes of Trial by Jury before his demise. After these episodes air, an NBC spokesperson explained that Orbach’s body will then make an appearance on NBC’s hit forensic drama, Crossing Jordan, starring Jill Hennessey. Hennessey, a former Law & Order cast mate of Mr. Orbach’s, explained how thrilled she would be to work with the actor one last time.

Referring to her character on Law & Order, Ms. Hennessey explained, “On the show, Lennie was partly responsible for Claire’s death. This way things come full circle.”

After Ms. Hennessey’s Crossing Jordan character, Jordan Cavanaugh, examines Lennie’s (Mr. Orbach’s) body, she discovers clues that he may not really have died from prostate cancer. Meanwhile, Macy (Miguel Ferrer) tries to explain why no one knows Crossing Jordan exists, even as it enters its fourth season.

Mr. Orbach’s body and the story continue on Law & Order. Mr. Orbach’s body will, as per usual on the series, be represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

Mr. Orbach was recently replaced on the show by Dennis Farina, as Detective Joe Fontana. Mr. Wolf described the character to TV Guide as an “Italian cop who's an iconoclast…and a confirmed bachelor.”

Network sources did not explain whether “confirmed bachelor” meant “homosexual” or “ladies’ man.”

“We’re confident that Ed and Joe will be able to resolve the circumstances surrounding Lennie’s death,” Mr. Wolf said, referring to the show’s detectives.

Sam Waterston’s Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy will then prosecute the offender(s): special guest star Jessica Simpson, as a doctor at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

Out of a sense of propriety, Mr. Orbach’s body will not appear on Law & Order: SVU, which deals with rape, molestation, and other sex crimes.

Sources at NBC added that, in the current political climate, they did not want to be the first to air necrophilia-related material on broadcast television in the face of the newly-restrictive FCC.

The same NBC sources revealed that the Law & Order suspect (Ms. Simpson) would be convicted for Lennie’s murder. As the case unfolds on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, however, the viewer learns that the oncologist played by Ms. Simpson has likely been framed by her male nurse, special guest star Nick Lachey.

But Simpson’s conviction will be appealed, and thus Mr. Orbach’s body will return for its final farewell to Trial by Jury, on which he was to continue his role as Det. Lennie Briscoe. Fellow NBC star Donald Trump, former Friends star Matthew Perry, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley are all being discussed as possible replacements; or, should her low-rated series Alias finally fail, executives plan to make a strong play for Jennifer Garner.

“Jerry would have wanted it this way,” Mr. Wolf explained. “He was the consummate professional, who always believed that the show must go on.”

In fact, the show may go even further. NBC executives are frantically searching for a means of reanimating Mr. Orbach, so that he might appear on the network’s similarly moribund Thursday-night sitcom, Joey.

From “50 Tries” at kiersten.connersax.com