Submission #6 to the New Yorker:
Should George W. Bush return to office in January, fleeing the country seems like an obvious and prudent course to take. Upon reflection, however, there are perhaps other options.
Putting an apartment or house on the market would be the first necessity. The ad shouldn't be hard to write: "Three bedroom, two-and-a-half bath colonial with eat-in kitchen, formal dining room, living room, and sun porch on a level lot with a fenced-in yard." Rephrasing "Éunfortunately close to New York City, a major terrorist target receiving only a fraction of the funds, attention, and protection promised it by the U. S. Government" would be the tricky part, but something like "needs TLC" or "possibilities for excitement abound!" should work.
Once the house sells (and conceivably, the Fed won't raise interest rates until after the inauguration, so one should fetch a fair price), a prudent resident of the New York metropolitan area will then have to decide between fleeing the country or—a more daring and provocative choice—fleeing to Wyoming.
Why not simply flee the country? This is the most expeditious option; pick a country, pack your things, and go. Gaining citizenship would present its own difficulties, but showing a "Vote Kerry" button should go a long way toward gaining admission to many lands.
But which country? An English speaking nation is convenient, but the options are limited. The United Kingdom is obviously out, as Tony Blair is somehow in thrall to the Bush regime, and virtually all of the television shows there are either about gardening or unattractive "real" people renovating their homes or wardrobes. Canada is too cold. Australia or New Zealand present plausible opportunities, but rugby and cricket are not the same as football and baseball, the holiday season is during the summer, and everything would seem sort of upside-down.
Which leads us to Wyoming! If even a fraction of the citizens who voted Democratic in 2004 (probably more than half the country, if the 2000 election is any indication) decided to move to Wyoming, we could pack the state with more people than it's ever known. So long as we leave enough voters behind to keep the blue states blue, we could form a whole new society in Wyoming, one with enough electoral votes to make things right. Plus, we could stay Americans: no need to start calling everyone "Mate" or enjoying rugby, or, worse, soccer. We could take friends, family, the Jets, and the Yankees with us, and set things up so that this time, we aren't sending more taxes than we get back to the state or federal governments. Depending on whether Mayor Bloomberg decides to join us, we could even return to smoking in public!
The plan may sound crazy, but it happened before—Joseph Smith led the Mormons out of Massachusetts (or somewhere) and into the promised land of Utah, and ended up with a new state and a whole religion.
In fact, a whole new American Religion of Wyoming wouldn't be a bad idea. We could base it on the tenets of fair elections and civil liberties and the popular vote counting for more than that of the Supreme Court, and we'd be protected by the separation of church and state!
Admittedly, it could become complicated. A similar mass migration was attempted to Florida, when thousands of Northeasterners moved south into gated communities. We all know how that turned out. But things could be different this time.
Thinking through this matter has settled my mind considerably. Should the Supreme Court, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, or Fox News put George W. Bush back in the White House, then New Wyoming, here I come.
If George W. Bush should actually be elected by the American people, I guess I'll start looking into rugby.
©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com