Submission #22 to the New Yorker:

 

To Trip the Kitchen Fantastic

By Kiersten Conner-Sax (as Susanna Jane Pelletier)

 

February 23, 2005

LIVES

 

By SUSANNA JANE PELLETIER

 

We bought the house even though it didn't have a Viking stove. We decided to redo the kitchen even before we made the offer. The house was a classic Colonial, built on half an acre in 1923, in fantastic shape. The kitchen did have new appliances. A standard GE dishwasher, stove, and refrigerator, but the refrigerator had ice in the door, a luxury never afforded us. The wallpaper was covered in cherries and plums that were pink and purple and blue, with a border of bees buzzing around their honeycombs at the top. There was no backsplash, and the countertop was an unfortunate purple that the seller told us was called "Merlot." We'll tear down the wallpaper and put in granite countertops, we told each other. It was to be the kitchen of our dreams.

 

But dreams can turn out to be nightmares. A kitchen isn't just a kitchen. It's the beating heart of the home, where we would feed our baby while she sat in her highchair, and argue about the benefits of Scarsdale over New Rochelle. It would hold the table where we would conceive another child, if we were lucky and the flame of our passion still burned. We didn't know, then, how much cabinets cost, even semi-custom.

 

When the sellers accepted our offer, we were thrilled. We tried not to think about paying twice what the sellers had paid when they purchased the house two years before. That was the real estate market. Perhaps two years from now, we thought, the house will be worth two times what we're paying. Especially with granite countertops.

 

So we left our apartment on 84th Street and Central Park West and moved into the Colonial. The baby watched us unpack boxes in the kitchen from her new highchair. That was when we realized just how bad things were. We lovingly unwrapped the Kosta Boda bowls and the Tiffany baby china we received when we were married and the baby was born. We remembered those happy times.

 

But then we opened the cabinets and found out they were pressboard.  The shelves bowed under the weight of even our everyday china and glassware. We felt as though the bees from the wallpaper were buzzing around us, confusing our every turn. It wasn't long before the baby began to cry.

 

Things got worse. We had a dinner party for a couple my husband knew from work. After the meal, we couldn't stop them from helping to clean up. Trying to distance ourselves from the kitchen, we told them we were planning to replace the Corian countertop. "That's not Corian," the wife said. "It's Formica." I don't know if she meant to hurt us. We were so ashamed we couldn't look at each other. But our new friends said they understood. They had just refinished their kitchen themselves.

 

We had been trying. Contractors wouldn't return our calls. I did find a painter to tear down the wretched wallpaper and paint the room a calming beige. Then we finally found a contractor who was a friend of a friend. He still wouldn't take the job, but he told us to visit Manor Kitchens. "They'll do a good job for you," he fairly sneered.

 

We visited the showroom that weekend. The displays were dazzling. Some of the cabinets were so distressed we thought  they might fall down at a touch. We wandered from room to room, clutching our fabric and wallpaper swatches, lugging slabs of the granite countertops.

 

Finally a salesman approached us. "What are you looking for?" he asked. It was almost closing time, but he smiled with a wolfish grin. We need new cabinets and countertops, we told him. Nothing fancy.

 

"Of course!" he said, leading us on a whirlwind tour of islands and inset doors, glazes and special finishes. We followed him, our hopes rising. When we finally sat down in his office, I showed him a sketch we had made with the dimensions of the kitchen. We asked how much the project would cost.

 

"$40,000 to $60,000," he said. If he saw the shock and sadness on our faces, I couldn't see it in his eyes.

 

We went out into the cold to the parking lot, dejected and afraid.

 

"Didn't you see someone on Martha Stewart hang beautiful cabinets using parts from Ikea?" my husband asked, starting the car.

 

"I did," I told him. "But that was before."

 

Then we drove home in silence. We hadn't even asked about the backsplash.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax

From "50 Tries" at kiersten.connersax.com