Submission #6 to the New Yorker:
Stranger
Things
The Boston Red Sox won the World Series. Now that pigs are flying madly around Boston and all the souls in hell are wrapped up in toasty woolly mufflers, who knows what else might happen? LetÕs seeÉ
1. Babe Ruth, still tired from drinking and whoring, turns over realllly slowly in his grave.
2. Bill Buckner becomes easier to find than Salman Rushdie.
3. Someone clears up whether Salman Rushdie is still under a fatwa or not.
4. CNN appoints Jon Stewart executive producer of ÒCrossfire.Ó
5. Miraculous hybrid electric cars end our dependence on Middle Eastern oil, removing us from complicated foreign politics and cleaning up the environment at the same time.
6. Or, Congress raises fuel standards a few miles per gallon and accomplishes the same thing.
7. The Iraqi people finally wake up and realize that they really do see us as liberators.
8. Tax cuts for the rich actually provide some benefit for the middle class!
9. President Clinton remains married;
10. Éand once he settles into the role, Bill makes an excellent First Gentleman.
11. The word ÒblogÓ enters the Oxford English Dictionary.
12. Prince Charles weds Camilla Parker Bowles, at long last free of the stigma of telling her, in an intercepted cellular telephone conversation, that he wanted to be reincarnated as her tampon.
13. Regis and Kelly start making out at the beginning of every show.
14. Britney Spears FederlineÕs marriage lasts longer than her career.
15. The population of New York City goes back to its heady, lawless days of smoking in bars.
16. The Olympic Games come to New York in 2012, and the city doesnÕt regret it immediately afterwards.
17. Governor George Pataki realizes that even though the children of New York city arenÕt voters, they do deserve an education, and stops fighting the billions of dollars that the state owes the city in education funds.
18. Fox News becomes fair and/or balanced.
19. Cellular phone coverage becomes consistent in places other than restaurants.
20. Mary Cheney marries Ellen DeGeneres, who begins campaigning for Republican causes with father-in-law Dick.
21. Each of the various ÒLaw & OrderÓs goes off the air.
22. Each of the various ÒCSIÓs goes off the air.
23. ÒLaw & Order: CSIÓ debuts.
24. Arnold Schwarzenegger achieves significant political office—wait. Actually, that should have tipped us off about the Red Sox.
25. Go Cubs!
©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From Ò50 TriesÓ at kiersten.connersax.com