Submission #13 to the New Yorker:

 

IÕll Be Clay for Christmas

By Kiersten Conner-Sax (as Charlie Spencer)          

 

A Clay Aiken Christmas

NBC, December 08, 2004, 08:00pm 

 Special/Music, 60 Minutes

The singer performs classic holiday songs; Barry Manilow, gospel singer Yolanda Adams, and actress Megan Mullally are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay Aiken—this church-going Baptist who bites his toenails and is afraid of the water has been the breakout star of the American Idol universe, easily outselling past ÒwinnersÓ Kelly Clarkson and Ruben Studdard, and now, entertaining the country with an all-star Christmas special!

 

But who doesnÕt want more Clay? 2005 might just be the year of Clay Aiken. (Times and channels to be announced).

 

Clay AikenÕs New YearÕs Soft-RockinÕ Eve

The singer rings in the New Year, live from the CarolinaÕs Outer Banks, in a calming, non-riotous manner; Barry Manilow, singer Celine Dion, and television personality Kelly Ripa are scheduled to appear.

 

ValentineÕs Day with Clay Aiken

The singer croons the songs of gentle loves that never change as they mellow into old age; Barry Manilow, singers Britney and Kevin Federline, and singers Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay AikenÕs Faith-and-Begorrah St. PatrickÕs Day

The red-haired singer performs the songs of the Irish; Barry Manilow, traditional Irish singer Aoife Clancy, and writer Frank McCourt are scheduled to appear.

 

The Clay Aiken Easter Special

Clay gets hip-hoppity about bunnies, Easter egg hunts, and the resurrection of our lord and savior; Barry Manilow, hip-hop singer Usher, and First Lady Laura Bush are scheduled to appear.

 

Passover

Oy vey! Clay celebrates the Kabbalah the old-fashioned way; Barry Manilow, surprisingly-Jewish actress Roseanne Barr, and singer/recent Jew Madonna are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay & Mom: Together Forever

Mothers everywhere will weep while listening to Clay sing of their love and devotion; Barry Manilow, famous mother David LettermanÕs mother, and former television personality Kathie Lee Gifford are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay AikenÕs Salute to Flag Day and Fireworks on the 4th of July

The singer salutes the troops, our independence, and the grand old flag; Barry Manilow, the Supreme Court, and the New England Patriots Cheerleaders are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay from the Crypt this Halloween!

ItÕs a spooky good time when Clay gets down with the ghouls; Barry Manilow, really scary guy O. J. Simpson, and dead actor Vincent Price are scheduled to appear.

 

Clay Kicks Off the Holidays This Thanksgiving

The singer performs pop-influenced holiday songs; Barry Manilow, opera singer Renee Fleming, and the recently-paroled Martha Stewart are scheduled to appear.

 

(All guests, with the exception of Barry Manilow, are subject to availability. Should Clay be offered a cabinet position in the Bush White House, specials are subject to cancellation upon his confirmation by Congress.)

 

©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax

From Ò50 TriesÓ at kiersten.connersax.com