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Christmas
Canceled Due to Low-Carb Dieting Craze, Possible Elf Unionization By Kiersten Conner-Sax (as Charlie Spencer) NORTH POLE, Dec. 1 – A prominent figure in the holiday gift delivery service sector, Santa Claus, the Chairman and C.E.O. of Christmastime, Inc., said yesterday that he expected to be ousted from the board due to disastrous losses over the last fiscal quarter. Delivery of Christmas presents will likely be cancelled this year, to both the naughty and the nice. Mr. Claus, speaking before a shareholder's meeting, blamed the company's disastrous investment in Krispy Kreme, Inc., for the losses. Mr. Claus further foresees mounting costs if his elves succeed in their efforts to unionize. "Krispy Kreme doughnuts were keeping me fatter and jollier than I've ever been," he explained. "How could an investment like that go wrong?" Krispy Kreme's shares, which once approached $50 per share, now hover below $10. The company, and Mr. Claus, blame the low-carb dieting craze for the rapid decline. "Why else would people stop eating doughnuts?" Mr. Claus asked rhetorically, adding, "Ho ho ho." The low-carbohydrate Atkins diet has been blamed for downturns in the pasta, doughnut, and gastrointestinal-bypass surgery sectors. Chief Financial Officer Josephine Victoria Claus recently denied rumors of questionable accounting practices involving the Clauses personal finances. "Naughty, nice," she told the board. "It's all there in black and white." Despite his apparent lack of jurisdiction over the North Pole, New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer vowed to investigate. "The Federal authorities should be doing it," he explained in an e-mail interview. "Someone has to protect the children of the State of New York." Christmastime, Inc.'s future is further clouded by its likely inability to deliver gifts, love, or Peace on Earth in the final quarter of 2004. Mr. Claus and other executives professed worry that should attempts at unionization by elves succeed, production and delivery costs would skyrocket. The National Labor Relations Board planned a hearing Thursday to consider the workers' request to be represented by the United Toy, Livestock, and Miners Local 5. "Elves don't have to be second-class citizens," said Noisy Nod, Jr., president of the union, which also represents more than nine reindeer and numerous area coal miners. Union officials argue that the elves, though short and without the ability to fly, deserve representation. Christmastime officials disagree. "Christmastime, Inc., has an open door policy," Mr. Claus stated at the board meeting. "Any elf can come in and discuss working conditions over coffee and a doughnut." Mr. Nod contended that Mr. Claus's door was heavy and often difficult for height-challenged elves to push, and that doughnuts in the area were becoming harder to find in light of recent closings of local Krispy Kreme franchises. Christmastime's elves have attempted unionization in the past. 17 teddy bear workers voted to become members of the Lollipop Guild in 2002. In a move that representatives said was unrelated to the union vote, Christmastime eliminated the position of teddy bear worker company-wide, and announced that in the future, all teddy bear assembly would be outsourced overseas. The elves were offered other positions at Christmastime's factories at the Pole. The Abominable Snowman, a board member of long standing, said he hoped the situation could be resolved, perhaps by changing the elves' diet to one based on doughnuts rather than candy. "Frankly, should Santa be ousted, I don't know who else would be willing to take the job," Mr. Snowman added. "Rudolf has a very shiny nose, but he doesn't know anything about management." The red-nosed reindeer could not be reached for comment. |
©2004 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at kiersten.connersax.com