Submission #9 to the New Yorker:
Even More
Cabinet Resignations Expected
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NEW ROCHELLE, Nov. 16 - Psychiatrist Steven M. Rosenfeld, one of the most high-profile and vocal members of my cabinet, has told me that he intends to resign as my psychotherapist today. Three other cabinet members will also step down, according to official sources (long rumored to be my husband): Samantha Fulton Thurman, my attorney; Terrence W. Smith, my dog walker; and Dr. Bruce A. Liberatore, my dentist. Dr. Rosenfeld, whom my husband claims "has long found me past all help," will continue to treat me until a doctor with a more "rigorous" approach can be found. The other cabinet members announced resignations when I "persisted in suggesting we sue the ASPCA," insisted Mr. Smith walk me instead of my dog, and bit the dentist, respectively. The resignation of Dr. Rosenfeld, 54, had been widely expected, even as some members of my family had begged him to stay on. But Dr. Rosenfeld's critics were harsh. "This was a therapist who would meet with you twice a week, not every day, evenings, weekends, and on holidays," said Jennifer C. Abrams, a close friend and associate. Dr. John Thompson, a personal favorite, is the leading candidate to replace Dr. Rosenfeld. If named, Dr. Thompson, 42, will be the first African-American ever to provide me with treatment. He will also be the first veterinarian. Others mentioned as possible successors include Dr. Philip C. McGraw, who is on television. Dr. Rosenfeld has often found himself differing on key issues, particularly with my yoga instructor, Debra J. Evans. Dr. Rosenfeld led the movement within my household to "stop me from being so whacked out all the time," arguing in lengthy sessions that I was depressed and perhaps even psychotic. According to Ms. Evans, 48, no evidence for such mental illness has been found, and Dr. Rosenfeld is said to be dismayed that anyone could possibly think that I am "not in need of serious drug intervention, if not hospitalization." But Ms. Evans, in particular, seems to believe that drugs are not the answer, and recommends a regimen of yoga, daily exercise, and Green Vibrance Super Food, a form of vitamin supplement. In the view of Ms. Evans, my affronted friends and family must consider my well being in the long run, rather than hiding from me in the near future. Given enough time, she believes that the combination of exercise and 16 Green Vibrance capsules per day will cause me to cease to believe that I am a Shih Tzu named Buttons. Ms. Evans denied that her extensive use of the Downward Facing Dog posture has anything to do with my condition. In my husband's view, six weeks of believing I am a Shih Tzu named Buttons is long enough. Dr. Rosenfeld, similarly, felt that Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Zyprexa would be more effective in treating my symptoms than, according to the Green Vibrance product label, "a true, undiluted food source of vitamins, minerals, polyphenols, and co-nutrients" including beet juice powder, royal jelly, and cayenne pepper. Dr. Rosenfeld, a psychiatrist on the faculty of Columbia Presbyterian hospital, called my husband on Friday to inform him that he planned to resign from my care, and that my husband "should start looking for help as quickly as possible." He further suggested that that help come in the form of a psychiatrist, rather than a dog trainer. When my husband reached me with the news, I was, being a
dog, unavailable for comment. |
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com