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The Real Me BY KIERSTEN CONNER-SAX (as Daisy Greene) Just because you were on a
reality show does not mean you
released a sex tape of yourself on the Internet. Don't people know how humiliated
I am by Extreme SexOver: Hump Edition?
Sure, I look good, and the sex is hot. We should all embrace our inner sexual
beings! But someday, my children will see this. I have time to prepare, since
they haven't been born yet, but it's still going to be a difficult
conversation. People have questioned my
motives, but I say, what two consenting adults do in front of a video camera
is up to them. Okay, it wasn't a video camera, it was three video cameras. Just because we wanted to have multiple
camera angles doesn't mean we had a camera man and a crew and a craft
services table! Why does everyone think an amateur sex tape has to be poorly
shot? We have iMovie. We wanted our video to be extra hot. That video was purely for our
enjoyment. How could we know it would
disappear when we accidentally left it on a table at a reality TV show
convention? It was clearly marked "Tanner Smith & Jade Wagner, Extreme
SexOver: Hump Edition, very special,
private, and personal!!!" so that it could be returned to us. And
now—this is so hard—the video is available all over the Internet.
People told me that they downloaded it for $45 from hotrealitysex.com,
tannerandjadedoit.com, and extremesexoverhumpedition.com, just to name a few. Now I want to clear up some of
the other misconceptions about me. It's true that Melissa and I are
no longer friends. It had nothing to do with our show, "Jade &
Melissa: BFF." Melissa, who is less pretty, less rich, and more fat than
I am, knows what she did. Sometimes, friendship is more important than
television, but Melissa knows this is not one of those times. Now, as to my boobs: of course
they're fake! I don't know why everyone keeps asking me, since I had them
done on the CBS "All-Star Surgery Special." The ratings were low,
but still. My marriage: Tanner and I met in
Las Vegas. I was at a benefit for my new charity, Puppies Without Borders. He
was a gondolier at the Venetian. It couldn't have been more romantic: he
serenaded me for hours as we floated past Burberry and Prada and Tiffany.
I'll never forget that feeling of excitement, or the sound of the "Wheel
of Fortune" slot machines. Tanner and I spun the big wheel,
and we came up winners! We were married a week after that special night, and
we wanted our love to live forever, on videotape. I had saved myself for
marriage (at least, to Tanner), so we were ready for something passionate and
hot. After two hours of lighting and camera placement and body makeup, we
were so excited we didn't know what
we were doing! That's why I kept calling Tanner the wrong name, not because he was a soft-core porn star hired for the
event. Sadly, things ended with Tanner
not long after that beautiful night. The pressure of my celebrity got to him.
I had so many obligations—the Reality Stars Golf Outing, the Jade
Experience, and all the Wal-Mart openings—and he couldn't escape the
siren song of the Grand Canal. Someday, I hope our paths will cross again. I
know he's applying for "The Bachelor," so maybe we can give our
love another try there, on a new network. And I'm not pregnant. At least I
think I'm not. It's true that Tanner and I didn't use protection, but who
needs condoms when you have love? I wonder if CBS might be interested in
filming me finding out? I'm sure the pee-on-a-stick people would love the product placement. |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com