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My Fake Romances BY KIERSTEN CONNER-SAX (as Susanna Jane Pelletier) Yes: two of my first three
marriages were fake. Maybe two and a half. Not that I'm gay. I know what my people said. They
didn't know my first two marriages were fake. I wanted my people to sound
convincing, and families can get very touchy about throwing showers and
paying for bands if they don't think you're in love. Whatever that means. Why did I do it? Myriad reasons,
but not because I'm gay. We were young and in love. Okay, we were older and
calculating, but is that really so different? The rumors had been circulating
for years: I would never get married! I might be gay! The calls, mostly from
my mother, were relentless. Who had I been out with? Where had we gone? How
was I going to meet a man when I spent so much time with my girlfriends? Did
I realize my eggs were about to pass their sell-by date? Plus, my sister had just gotten
married, and no one takes any soft-focus portraits of the maid of honor
gazing at her bouquet; you're only in the group shots. So, just after Jonathan was
indicted, we were engaged. It was a beautiful wedding. Everyone made a fuss
over me and gave me endless presents, and then we threw a huge party with
someone else's money, where I got to tell everyone what to wear. Once the wedding was over and my
mother had her story for the Christmas newsletter, I thought the pressure
would let up. It didn't. They started
obsessing over when we would have a baby. The wedding was such a success that
we considered going ahead with the baby project, too, but then Jonathan was
convicted, so it didn't seem prudent. And, while you do receive a lot of
presents because of a baby, they are
mostly for the baby, not you. Jonathan and I split up as soon
as he was sentenced. But then, there was all this "Susanna was married
to a felon" taint. It was only insider trading, which seemed very hip at
the time; most of it took place at a club in the meatpacking district. Why
all the judgments? Let he who has never spent a night in a penitentiary cast
the first stone, I always say. Also, my last movie,
"Christmas 2002," had garnered very little response. What better way to
simultaneously renew my image and
drum up interest than to get married again? Some women have trouble meeting
men, but I found Ricardo at hotillegalimmigrantswhoneedgreencards.com. As the
ceremony had to be more tasteful this time, I chose a wedding dress with a
back. We still got plenty of presents. Suddenly, "Susanna's Wedding
2" was a huge hit at every family gathering. All good things must come to an
end, though, and this one did, thirteen months later, when I met Brian and
fell genuinely in love/found out I was pregnant (because I'm not gay). I cut
Ricardo loose. His quick deportation made the unavoidable emotional aftermath
very clean. Now, here we are! To make people
forget the stigma of my first and second weddings, and criminal and foreign
husbands, and nearly full-term pregnancy, this will the biggest, most
fabulous wedding ever. Fabulous food, beautiful venue, and either midgets or
dancing girls, I'm not sure which. My main issue right now is
finding a reality television show to film the event and/or foot the cost. I'm
sure we'll find a backer: as I told my fiancˇ, this is my final wedding.
Because there could never be anyone else. And I'm not gay. |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com