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Highlights from the Gardening Column BY KIERSTEN CONNER-SAX (as Charlie Spencer) Q. In a rash
and foolish act I will always regret, I recently left Manhattan for the
suburbs. I cannot sleep because of the goddamned birds. What do you
recommend? A. Cats are an
effective deterrent, but they frequently drop dead birds as trophies at their
owners' feet. The best method for ceasing irritating birdsong is a BB gun;
don't fire until the twitterers are over your neighbor's property. Q. I love
gardening, but my husband abhors what he calls the "good honest
work" of digging, mulching, watering and the like. How can I convince
him to spend more time outside? A. Hiring an
attractive young landscaper and sleeping with him might seem like the best
solution, but such landscapers are in extremely high demand and are thus
inordinately expensive. Forcing one partner in a marriage to do something is
a bad idea. Luckily, men hate marriage counseling. Tell your husband that you feel you haven't been spending
enough time together. Once you explain that his choices are gardening or
marriage counseling, he'll be outside digging trenches before you know it. Q. Deer
constantly defoliate my garden. I have planted deer-resistant flowers,
installed an electrified fence, and spread rotten eggs, ammonium soaps,
fungicides, bags of dirty human hair, bone tar oil, hot sauce, and sewage
from the city of Milwaukee all over my yard, both singly and together. I
recently added coyote urine. None of it worked. What should I do? A. While you
started down the right path, you aren't quite there yet. Instead of pouring
coyote urine all over your yard, buy a coyote. The animals have acquired an
unfortunate reputation, but are actually quite trainable and friendly, and
will also rid your neighborhood of cats and small dogs. Q. My
mother-in-law recently offered to visit my new home to plant spring-blooming
bulbs. 575 daffodils later, she's still here. What should we plant so that
this never happens again? A.
Mother-in-law resistant species are increasingly hard to find. As the baby
boomers age, many of them have more free time to spend in the garden,
increasing their knowledge of plants and their desire to inflict this
knowledge on others. Try telling her that you have always dreamed of a
raspberry patch (Rubus idaeus), or a hedge of multiflora roses (Rosa multiflora), which attract bumblebees and produce
abundant thorns. Q. My
neighbors' constant arguing is driving me crazy. Anything I can do to screen
them out? A. Purple
loosestrife (Lythrum salicaria) is an incredibly invasive plant, non-native to the Northeast,
with lovely flowers. Without the proper care--which your neighbors will
undoubtedly not know to provide--it will quickly escape its location, blight
the landscape, choke the trees, and take small children hostage. It is
believed to have been involved in the Enron and Tyco scandals, and should be
enough to drive your neighbors from their home. Though
movements are underway to ban
the plant in several states, purple loosestrife is available at
www.exoticblighters.com. Satisfying as it may be, however, this solution will
take years. It may be faster to help resolve the trouble in the former
lovebirds' marriage. Q. My
neighbor, who is quite adept at managing wildlife issues, recently offered to
help me with mine. Should I take him up on it, or is it too likely to cause
problems? A. Dealings
between neighbors can quickly turn thorny. Be sure to check with your
neighborhood association about any regulations or bylaws regarding business
relationships and/or wildlife management. Then, try to picture what might
happen should the situation go awry. Is your neighbor good at keeping quiet?
Make sure you have the proper permits. Q. Last
fall, my wife conspired with my neighbor to kill my mother. They succeeded,
but both were caught and are serving 25 years to life in federal prison. Now,
I have the whole yard to myself! My question is, what should I do with the
coyote? A. Well-trained
coyotes are rare. This columnist would be happy to broker a sale; contact me
at 555-9384 and we'll hammer out the details. |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com