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My Life: The Television Without Pity Recap BY KIERSTEN CONNER-SAX (as Susanna Jane Pelletier) Previously on Susanna's Life: Susanna, a pleasant-enough young woman, attended
graduate school in creative writing, not realizing the program was an
overpriced yet counterproductive form of group therapy. She graduated after a
number of humiliating and mildly comic episodes, and went on to write a book
about the Internet while working at a computer-publishing firm filled with
wacky and endearing eccentrics. Except that Susanna thought they were a bunch
of assholes, except for Robert, who died. Susanna also went on a bunch of
dates that didn't work out, but recently married her on-again, off-again love
interest (surprisingly!) during May sweeps. Afternoon. Susanna is sitting at
her desk. Well, not so much "sitting" as "slumped over the
keyboard resting her head on her hand." There is a conspicuous absence
of background music, and the scene goes on for a really, really, really
lonnnnnng time. Her husband, CuteJake, comes in.
"Will you write this for me?" she whines. "Sure," he says.
"If you don't want it to be funny. Or good. Or...done." He's very
funny in this scene, wearing the leather jacket that Susanna bought him for
his birthday. "Okay," she says. He
hands her some lottery tickets he bought while he was out. "I don't know why I buy
these," he says, "but sometimes, I do." Word. I mean,
sometimes, I go to the grocery store, and even though lottery tickets,
including those scratch-off cards covered with the silvery gray stuff (what
is that stuff called? I bet it has a name no one knows, just like hanging
chads) are a terrible bet, I still buy some. "Ooh!" Susanna says.
"Cool!" She immediately grabs a nickel on her desk and starts
scratching, but doesn't thank him. Why are there coins all over her desk?
More importantly, why are they together? He's too good for her. I mean, two
episodes ago, the guy voluntarily trimmed his eyebrows. She scratches off all the boxes
on the tickets, which look like they are actually from California, not New
York, only with the worst desktop publishing graphics ever pasted on top.
"We didn't win anything," she says, downcast. CuteJake kisses her
on the cheek and leaves the room. "I never win
anything," she mutters. It's true, she doesn't. Except for, you know,
her husband. And their apartment. And all of her improbably expensive
clothes, accessories, etc. But yeah, she never wins anything. (Although
interestingly, some of the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters noticed that the
cow-themed Cowabunga Bucks ticket actually was a winner, for $20. Why did they leave that in? Are
Susanna and CuteJake supposed to have not noticed, and the tickets are a
metaphor for missed opportunities? Or are they just careless? I don't know.) She drops the tickets on her
desk, and goes into the kitchen, where CuteJake has gotten a drink of water.
"How's it going?" he asks, taking a sip. "I give up," she says.
This is a cute scene, but why are there so many dishes in the sink? And why
is Susanna wearing that turquoise blue peasant top? It's too trendy. Anyway,
she goes over to the sink and kisses her husband. Next week on Susanna's Life: CuteJake's older sister comes to visit, and the sparks
fly. Can't wait! Hope it's better than last time, when we thought the sparks
would fly, but instead it was all simmering tension and hurt looks and
extremely boring takeout dinners. Ooh, it also looks like Susanna is going to
get the mail and brush her hair, not necessarily in that order. |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com