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Andrea
Golding Wins Competitive Parenting Magazine's Bad Mother of the Year Award BY KIERSTEN CONNER-SAX (as Susanna Jane Pelletier) "I'm
such a bad mother," says Andrea Golding of Scarsdale, New York, smiling
nervously and fiddling with her earring. Raising kids is complicated, and
there's no one recipe for doing it right. Still, certain women do it wrong.
Our panel of top child and family therapists chose one woman who, more than
any other this year, lacked the qualities essential to an excellent mom. Andrea, 35, loves her children,
Gabe and Josh. Even so, she has failed them in many important ways. First and foremost, she lost her
husband. "Research has shown that
adults in loving marriages are better parents," says Jonah Widemann,
Ph.D., a noted child psychologist. "They are more patient and more
attentive to children's needs." Andrea's husband, Josh Golding,
strayed from the marriage while she was in the hospital recovering from a
Caesarian section following Josh's birth. She felt that she had to leave him,
out of respect for herself, and to show her boys that their father's behavior
was not acceptable. In the years that followed, however, she wondered what
she could have done to make the marriage work. "Maybe I should have
forgiven him," she says now, fingers twisting at a wedding ring that
isn't there. "If that's what was best for my children, maybe I should
have overlooked his serial infidelities, and the out-of-wedlock child he had
with his boss." Andrea admits that her husband's
boss was very demanding. The divorce left Andrea
depressed, another step down the road to poor parenting. "Unhappy parents are
practically inept when it comes to dealing with their children," Dr.
Widemann explains. "When Andrea's divorce decree arrived, she spent the
rest of the day in bed. Overcome with her own problems, she was unable to
adequately care for anyone else." Mothers of other children at
Josh's preschool concurred. "One day, she dropped him off wearing
sandals--and she obviously hadn't had a pedicure in months," Stacey
Heller says. "What kind of moral example does that set?" Andrea's divorce wrought other
consequences: to keep her house, she had to return to work. Although she was
able to start an independent law practice and work from home, she can't help
feeling she is shortchanging her children. Dr. Judith Thompson, sociologist
and author of "Mothers Who Work and Their Damaged Children,"
agrees. "We underestimate the value of downtime," she says. "A
babysitter can't play 15 uninterrupted games of hide-and-seek the same way a
mother can." Andrea shamefacedly admits to
allowing her children to watch "Sesame Street" while she cooks
dinner—or sometimes, even when she just wants to read a magazine. "It teaches them about
reading and numbers," she says. "But I guess I could be doing that
with flashcards." Andrea's other failings include
enrolling each child in only four enrichment classes per week. "I thought that maybe they
could use one afternoon each week to just play," she says. "Now I see that they'd be better
off learning important skills in a Tae Kwon Do or pottery class." Andrea also dresses her boys in
clothes from Old Navy and Lands' End, rather than Polo or Tommy Hilfiger, and
allows the babysitter to take them on play dates. Mothers in her community are
nonetheless supportive. "I try to give her helpful advice, but I don't
let my daughter play at her house anymore," says Stephanie Zimberg.
"She feeds the kids snacks full of trans-fats, and you can't put your
children at risk." As the winner of Competitive
Parenting's Bad Mother of the Year award, Andrea is entitled to a pre-paid
one-year membership at Match.com, a makeover, and three on-air counseling
sessions with Dr. Phil. "That should help," says her mother, Marilyn Golding. "What Andrea really needs to work on is her self-esteem." |
©2005 by Kiersten Conner-Sax
From "50 Tries" at www.connersax.com