Ted's Island: a private, discrete, secretive and mysterious unknown destination in the Florida Keys.

Geography and calendar descriptions of the events in this email have been distorted to disguise the innocent and protect the guilty. Website photographs may appear larger or smaller then actual size. All characters displayed are just as goofy in real life as they appear.

The author is risking his very life and those closest to him by disclosing the secrets of Ted's Island. Captain Ron and Captain Jack, from whom the Pirates of the Caribbean got their name, are men desperate to keep their secrets of booty and busty bodices secure and hidden from the rabble of the King's men. The World Tribunal of Spain, France and the Conch Republic would gladly stretch the necks of Ron Rico and Jack long and lean then steal back from the pirates what the King's Levy first skinned from the very back of poor natives and lifted harshly from the dirty pockets of the common man in the taverns as tribute. The Kings hue and cry when taking back the booty. " We Stole it First"

El Caribe. The Spanish Main. The Caribbean is our venue for this tale of exposure that curses even while it honors the skill of party-man-ship that raged so cleverly under the nose of the kings ever so much like the slight-of-hand of "Three Card Monty" or the "Shell Game" performed in the streets of New York.

We darest not reveal all in hopes that the Captains will tire of the chase quickly and allow the Skinwalker the slightest hope of escape or harbor of safe refuge.

But let us not whine for what we have not yet lost, but share with you the disgusting dregs of human debauchery, wanton revelry and the revilers that scornfully laughed and held the wenches in close bondage and placed their hard swords upon "the very bust of Pallas above the chamber door.

Oh the Temptresses, the lustful bustiness of comely lasses serving in ripped and tattered bodices, oh the shame, the shame! I cannot continue in this vane.

Yeah, but it was a hellva good time.

The underlying theme of the party was originally taken from the sailors' cult film "Captain Ron" starring Kirk Russell & Martin Short. Captain Ron, (Russell), as the off-centered delivery captain that falls in crap and comes out smelling like a rose with Martin Short as the husband who inherits a wooden beater boat and takes his family off into the Caribbean to bring the boat back to the states with Captain Ron's help.

The celebration over the years has grown past party into a fully staged invitation- only event. It started out as a small theme birthday party and sequenced into a costume gathering dedicated to the Captain Ron movie. Perhaps unbeknownst and certainly without concern to the originating group, the event has blended with elements of another movie and subsequently has morphed into a spicy main dish of "Captain Ron does the Pirates of the Caribbean."  Hey, it works. I know.

There were, shall we say, a significant number of people there. As in most events of this type there was at least one person without a costume. But he was asleep and may have been there from the night before the party. Of course, there is always some aberrant with a costume or uniform from who knows where or what they were thinking? This one wore a baseball uniform. The only thing I can guess is this guy made a wrong turn after leaving spring training camp that afternoon.

Needless to say rum and beer were the drinks of the night. Oh, did I mention the forty foot of table with food?

We were picked up at a secret location and delivered to another secret location that even I didn't recognize. It was here that the "event virgins", first time attendees were herded onto a ferry.

Traveling at a snails pace off into the sunset, presumably on our way to Ted's Island, we were treated to a series of live action tableau's that were absolutely stunning and true to one movie or the other. The trip out became so entertaining that one demented soul started us all to singing an off-tune version of Disney's, "It's a Small World After All". At one point we were bombarded by a short, effective fireworks display as if we were under attack from a pirates' ship. I mean these were professional mortar type fireworks, like at Fourth of July, not sparklers. And in fact we were under attacked and boarded by some of the scurviest pirates you can imagine. But I give away too much.

Ted's Island, was er, well, it was an island with a town, well almost. It certainly had all the conveniences any small pirate village should have including a jail for bad and not so bad mates and wenches.

We can't say more. It was a fun, loosely programmed, carefree event with no fears or concerns despite some very real looking pirates and, may I say, comely wenches, my favorite, amongst the Hollywood looking ones. This was without a doubt the best staged private theme party I have ever attended. I thank the dastardly deed doers that did it for sharing this event with us. You done good.

A ravaged reviler wistfully living in the days of yore from the safe confines of the pilothouse.

Capt'n Lynnie and Skinwalker