Look ma, GamePro's gone stupid



It may seem like I'm ripping on GamePro because of my other post that's not too far down this page, and I don't mean to do it. I think Wes Nihei, Mike Weigand and Lindsay Young are good guys, but...I got the new issue in the mail and wow. I gotta rip on it. Take a look at this cover. I mean, look at it.

If they're going for maximum blandness in a game magazine, I think they've achieved it. There's just nothing to get excited about on this cover. For starters, why the hell is the focal point of the cover Sonic's...fist (and leg)? His trademark spiky "hair" is completely obscured by the GP logo. I don't get that. It gets funnier when you turn to the contents page and they show you the image again, the full image, and there's enough space on the top and sides to show that they could've--ya know--centered his face.

For seconds, I'm flabbergasted by the little caption above the UPC. It reads: "<< ACTUAL NEXT-GEN GAMEPLAY GRAPHICS--BELIEVE IT!" Wait, wha? Am I supposed to be impressed? The only part of the image that's in any focus is Sonic -- the rest of the background in the screen is a blurry morass of...nothing. I can't make much else out. There's a ring hiding behind his fist and a few blades of grass, but... it doesn't look any better/worse than Sonic Adventure on Dreamcast.

These are some bland cover lines, too. The callout for "Exclusive Previews" is for two games I've a) never heard of; and b) don't care about. Seriously, is GamePro's target market of 8-14 year-olds the audience for WWII first-person shooters, one of them on the PC? Somehow I think not.

Other things that are mildly hilarious about this issue, which I've only flipped through and not read:

- A full-page article that's titled "FPS Conventions That Need To Die," but is really an attack on Quake 4, a game that author Funky Zealot says "failed to meet the hype." Of course in the previous issue of GamePro, Vicious Sid gave it a 4.0 out of 5. And this is a quote from that review: "Wretched excess reigns supreme in Quake 4, a gore-drenched Xbox 360 shooter that neatly achieves cult-classic status." Well which is it? Classic or trash?

- GamePro presents its list of Toughest Video Game Characters. Who do you expect to see top the list? Master Chief? Someone from GTA? Solid Snake? Someone from Resident Evil, maybe? No, in fact the character that tops the list -- over all others -- is Chakan from Chakan: The Forever Man, an obscure-at-best GENESIS game. The rest of the list is just as ridiculous. Who the f*** is Clint from Wild Guns? He's number TWO on the list but I doubt any 12-year-old GamePro readers knows what game that is.

- Their Sonic the Hedgehog feature is OK. But their sidebar on previous Sonic games doesn't have a single screenshot, and that's over four pages. Not a single screen. Not one.

- There are two 1/16th-page advertisements for Untold Legends: The Warrior's Code on the Contents page and a Letters page. They're just floating there. And no shit, it says "Advertisement" right above the graphic of it. Is it getting you that much more money to have ads that small on content pages?

I mean, GamePro's always just been "there," but it didn't used to completely suck. It served its purpose as a good games mag for the younger set. Now...wtf is it?

Posted: Fri - February 3, 2006 at 01:13 AM         | |

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