A List of Experts

(ersatz aptonyms)

A

B

Heloise Backagain, the bore you can't shake

Diane Berry, the mortician

Ugo Betti, an Italian playwright whose wife always answers the door

Yolanda Bigwan, a fishing guide

Honor Blackman, the anti-apartheid activist

Bertha de Bleus, a pioneer jazz singer

Bill Bord, a sign painter

Con Briault, a fiery conductor

C

Dewey Care, president of Apathetics Anonymous

Harcourt Champion, the Wimbledon hero

Noah Count, the town bum

D

Ram Das, an Indian proctoscopist

Charles Louis D'Ince, a French bandleader

Sue Donim, a bashful author

Eileen Dover, a compliant bimbo

Lindsey Doyle, a house painter

Kent B. Dunn, pessimist

Barb Dwyer, manager, Good Neighbor Fencing Company
 
 

E

F.M. Errol, first 15-minutes-of-fame theorist

F

Mustapha Fagg, a tobacco addict

Joan F. Farke, an arson victim

Ben E. Fischel, a therapist

Pam Flett, a propagandist

G

Polly Glott, a translator

H

Cliff Hanger, a writer of serials

Zelda Holmes, realtor

Justin Casey Howells, a professional baby-sitter

I

J

Rex Karz, a parking-lot attendant

Eve N. Keele, a crisis councillor

L

Dick C. Land, jazz musician

E. Leventhauer, a procrastinator

Mel F. Lewis, lyric tenor

Noah Lott, an encyclopaedist
 
 

M

Anne D. Mann, jill-of-all-trades

Audrey Marks, a talk-show host

Philip McCavity, a dentist

Ann E. Mossity, marriage counselor

N

Jim Nast, parallel bars champion

Marian Nett, a puppeteer

Otto Nogo, car mechanic

Les Noyes, sound abatement consultant

Chas K. Nynes, a dogcatcher

O

Cath O'Dray, an Irish TV star

Anne O'Dyne, a painkiller

Lorne Order, the dedicated frontier marshal

Phil Ossifer, metaphysician

P

Willa Phoebe Pade, an attorney

Warren Peace, the author of Leo Tolstoy

Prolapsus Uteri, a fallen woman in Roman Britain

Evan L. Pugh, a Welsh physician

Q

R

Horst Rayner, equestrian

Bud G. Reegar, ornithologist

Pat Rolman, a constable

S

Gloria Serritage, a county hostess

Barbara Seville, an opera critic

Hy Singer, castrato

T

S. Tait, a probate lawyer

Tess Tament, a probate lawyer

Philip D. Tank, service station attendant

Jess Tation, an obstetrician

Cass Toff, second-hand clothes dealer

Oliver Towne, social notes columnist

U

Colleen Umbers, Bingo official

V

Sally Vate, a Pavlovian psychologist

Ella Vayter, a career woman on the rise

W

Walter Wahl, a carpet layer

Doug Wells, retired dowser

Chuck Willingly, the cheerful bouncer

Gustav Wind, a Swedish dyspeptic

Susan Winsome, a lawyer

Eileen Wright, Tory politican

X

Y

Z

Adam Zappel, M.D., a throat specialist