BREAKING UP IS EASY TO DO


just ask ann curry.

TWM's regular readers will know that I find a steady source of amusement, inspiration, and outrage in the continuing tabloidization -- and, let's face it, idiotization -- of NBC's Today Show. What used to be, at least for the first hour, a thoughtful source of news and insightful journalism has devolved into one part Oprah, one part Inside Edition, and one part Entertainment Tonight. (If Matt Lauer had any dignity left, he'd quit. Or kill himself.) But this morning, the show reached new and previously unimaginable depths of offensiveness, adding one part Maury Povich, or at least Montel Williams, by touting the first in a Special Series on Life's Toughest Conversations. First up: How to Ask your Spouse for a Divorce!

You can, if you have a high tolerance for pain and/or Ann Curry -- yes, I know they're virtually interchangeable -- watch all seven excruciating minutes here. But, as a public service to readers who've been waiting around, stuck in an angry or loveless marriage and hoping that some network morning show would come along and give you all the advice you needed to get that divorce ball rolling, I'll recap the top tips:

1. The first thing is to create a vision. What’s your intention? How do you want it to turn out?

First: these are all direct quotations from the segment. Really. Now. Note to Dr. Gail Saltz: your intention is to ask your spouse for a divorce, and you want it to turn out with a divorce. That was, after all, the point of the segment, so it should make the vision pretty darned clear.

2. You really need to go in and think about how the other person’s feeling. Stand in their shoes and listen to them. Let them tell you what they are feeling. Reflect back what they are feeling. And you diminish the hostility by doing that.

Because nothing diminishes hostility like listening to how your spouse is feeling, and thinking about how they're feeling, and then telling her that you want a divorce because you're sleeping with a much younger woman.

3. Do it in a public place.

Expert advice, I swear. Something about avoiding nastiness or ugliness or potential violence. And, of course, adding the spectacles of public torment and humiliation. Hell, maybe you should do it live on a web cam. Or at least Twitter your way through it.

4. You gotta be very empathetic. You say, “Uh, I’m really doing it for both of us. You’re a wonderful person... We’re gonna get through this together.”

Because nothing says I want a divorce like we're gonna get through this together.

5. Your goal is to create, a kind of a -- as much as possible -- a loving path. You wanna say, "Look, this hurts you, this hurts me, and we need to walk down this path holding hands."

Because nothing says loving path down which we walk while holding hands like I don't want to be married to you anymore.

6. What people don’t realize about divorce when they have children is the terrible, terrible impact it has on children.

Who are these fucking people? And in what cave have they been living? Didn't they see Kramer vs. Kramer?

7. Tell the kids they’re gonna have two homes now. They’re not gonna be without one of the parents.

Unless they can clone themselves and live in two places at once, they most certainly are going to be without one of the parents. At all times. You idiot.

And, finally, my favorite. The big finish. The one that's better -- by which I mean, more insane -- than all the rest of the tips combined. While talking about the impact divorce can have on children, Dr. Saltz says:

8. To some degree a healthy divorce may even be more important than a healthy marriage.

I have nothing here. Really. Nothing at all. What could I possibly say about that sentence that would not already be redundant?

So I'll stop now and simply say that I eagerly await the next installment of the series, How to Tell Your Boss You Haven't Been Doing Any Work!, or maybe, How To Tell Your Parish You've Been Touching the Altar Boys!

Posted: Thu - May 22, 2008 at 04:51 PM          

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