WHEN IT COMES TO COMMUNICATING THAT BLEAKNESS
he's using mere words to communicate the
wordiness of the words being used.
In case you're just joining us, or if you thought
it was safe to stop playing along at home, let's get you up to date on the
continuing saga of Opinion 250.
First came my Pittsburgh Post-Gazette op-ed piece about failed leadership and faulty work ethics in Pittsburgh. Then came the clumsy, cliché-ridden response, published this past Sunday in the PG, from The Boy Who Would Be The Boy Who Would Be Mayor. Then came my inevitable, exhaustive, 3,900-word rip-snorter of a response to the response, posted this past Sunday right here on TWM. Then came The Burgher's too-kind but much-appreciated declaration of my response to the response as a masterpiece and a work of genius. Then came Admiral Richmond K. Turner's equally gracious suggestion that, with my response to the response, I had outdone [my]self this time, and... that's really saying something. And now comes, perhaps, the best of the lot.
Last night, I received an email from a regular TWM reader, semi-regular correspondent, and prominent local writer -- we'll call him Mr. T. -- who passed along an Opinion 250 submission so smart and so funny that it made me shoot soda out my nostrils, and at least two other orifices I shall not mention, as I read it. This is one of those pieces of sheer, subversive, satirical genius that I wish I'd written. And that I'm damned glad to have read...
In David Caliguiri’s Forum piece about Chad Hermann’s Forum piece about maybe getting up off the sofa and doing some stuff instead of just talking about doing some stuff, I am also compelled to ask: Isn't David Caliguiri guilty of doing the very same thing Chad Hermann is guilty of doing? Which is nothing?
It seems that David, too, is using mere “words” to communicate the wordiness of the words being used by Mr. Hermann, when, like Chad, perhaps he should be using some other form of communication, or perhaps no communication at all. Maybe David should be writing his essay with actions, not letters and punctuation marks, which are the hallmark of a lazy civic thinker (though, admittedly, necessary if you want to write stuff. Which we don't).
Isn’t David, by sitting at his computer and typing up a retort and e-mailing it to the Post-Gazette, just talking and waiting for somebody to come along and have the stones to do something about Chad Hermann’s pitiable existence and feeble wordiness? Shouldn’t David be doing something, instead of writing about it? Why doesn’t he take action? Why doesn’t he pick up a phone book, find Mr. Hermann’s address and kick his fucking ass?
David Caliguiri wrote, “I understand he wants to make a point, but his point would be better made if he offered something more than a simple recitation of Pittsburgh's challenges.” Perhaps David’s point would be better made if, instead a recitation of why Chad Hermann is an ineffectual goob, he went out and proved it. Using science and and experiments and steel.
Isn’t that the way Carnegie would have done it? Would Carnegie have sat around wishing for steel to be made? Writing about steel? No – he bought some land and hired some starving Hungarians and made the steel. And whatever Hungarians were left over, he would have had them go to Chad Hermann's house and kick his fucking ass.
I don’t believe that writing about the bleakness of Mr. Hermann’s outlook is the best approach when it comes to communicating that bleakness. Perhaps sculpture would be a more effective medium. Abstract painting? Quilt-making? Interpretive hammocking? Smoke signals? An elementary school poster contest? The theme could be, make a poster that conveys, in as few words as possible, why words and writing are stupid, and the winner gets a pizza party from Domino’s.
In fact, I know a guy at Domino’s. I’ll call him right now. That’s action, David. Not writing. And when I get him on the line, you can bet I won’t be using words. I’ll scream at the top of my lungs until he guesses what exactly it is I’m trying to convey. It may take a while, but I'm a doer, not a writer, David.
Well, I actually am a writer. But I don’t go around advertising it.
Perhaps the real answer is that it is up to all of us, collectively, to run down Mr. Hermann with our cars the next time we see him walking down the street. The only question is, who among us has the courage to take action and slam their foot to the accelerator? I don't think that's too much to ask. Hell, I’ll do it. I have a shitty car anyway.
In summary, these are the times that try men's souls, and perhaps in these troubled times, Mr. Caliguiri and Mr. Hermann should…
…wait.
What?
Exactly.
First came my Pittsburgh Post-Gazette op-ed piece about failed leadership and faulty work ethics in Pittsburgh. Then came the clumsy, cliché-ridden response, published this past Sunday in the PG, from The Boy Who Would Be The Boy Who Would Be Mayor. Then came my inevitable, exhaustive, 3,900-word rip-snorter of a response to the response, posted this past Sunday right here on TWM. Then came The Burgher's too-kind but much-appreciated declaration of my response to the response as a masterpiece and a work of genius. Then came Admiral Richmond K. Turner's equally gracious suggestion that, with my response to the response, I had outdone [my]self this time, and... that's really saying something. And now comes, perhaps, the best of the lot.
Last night, I received an email from a regular TWM reader, semi-regular correspondent, and prominent local writer -- we'll call him Mr. T. -- who passed along an Opinion 250 submission so smart and so funny that it made me shoot soda out my nostrils, and at least two other orifices I shall not mention, as I read it. This is one of those pieces of sheer, subversive, satirical genius that I wish I'd written. And that I'm damned glad to have read...
In David Caliguiri’s Forum piece about Chad Hermann’s Forum piece about maybe getting up off the sofa and doing some stuff instead of just talking about doing some stuff, I am also compelled to ask: Isn't David Caliguiri guilty of doing the very same thing Chad Hermann is guilty of doing? Which is nothing?
It seems that David, too, is using mere “words” to communicate the wordiness of the words being used by Mr. Hermann, when, like Chad, perhaps he should be using some other form of communication, or perhaps no communication at all. Maybe David should be writing his essay with actions, not letters and punctuation marks, which are the hallmark of a lazy civic thinker (though, admittedly, necessary if you want to write stuff. Which we don't).
Isn’t David, by sitting at his computer and typing up a retort and e-mailing it to the Post-Gazette, just talking and waiting for somebody to come along and have the stones to do something about Chad Hermann’s pitiable existence and feeble wordiness? Shouldn’t David be doing something, instead of writing about it? Why doesn’t he take action? Why doesn’t he pick up a phone book, find Mr. Hermann’s address and kick his fucking ass?
David Caliguiri wrote, “I understand he wants to make a point, but his point would be better made if he offered something more than a simple recitation of Pittsburgh's challenges.” Perhaps David’s point would be better made if, instead a recitation of why Chad Hermann is an ineffectual goob, he went out and proved it. Using science and and experiments and steel.
Isn’t that the way Carnegie would have done it? Would Carnegie have sat around wishing for steel to be made? Writing about steel? No – he bought some land and hired some starving Hungarians and made the steel. And whatever Hungarians were left over, he would have had them go to Chad Hermann's house and kick his fucking ass.
I don’t believe that writing about the bleakness of Mr. Hermann’s outlook is the best approach when it comes to communicating that bleakness. Perhaps sculpture would be a more effective medium. Abstract painting? Quilt-making? Interpretive hammocking? Smoke signals? An elementary school poster contest? The theme could be, make a poster that conveys, in as few words as possible, why words and writing are stupid, and the winner gets a pizza party from Domino’s.
In fact, I know a guy at Domino’s. I’ll call him right now. That’s action, David. Not writing. And when I get him on the line, you can bet I won’t be using words. I’ll scream at the top of my lungs until he guesses what exactly it is I’m trying to convey. It may take a while, but I'm a doer, not a writer, David.
Well, I actually am a writer. But I don’t go around advertising it.
Perhaps the real answer is that it is up to all of us, collectively, to run down Mr. Hermann with our cars the next time we see him walking down the street. The only question is, who among us has the courage to take action and slam their foot to the accelerator? I don't think that's too much to ask. Hell, I’ll do it. I have a shitty car anyway.
In summary, these are the times that try men's souls, and perhaps in these troubled times, Mr. Caliguiri and Mr. Hermann should…
…wait.
What?
Exactly.
Posted: Thu - February 14, 2008 at 02:19 PM
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Published On: Jan 16, 2009 04:50 PM
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Published On: Jan 16, 2009 04:50 PM