PLEDGE DIVE


principles down.

At my door this week came a solemn five-point pledge -- you can always tell the serious leaflets; they're printed in three colors, and the red ink is running -- from my Post-Gazette carrier, who clearly takes his job and his communiqués, if not his principles, seriously. Consider:

The carrier will arrive before the truck.

This is good and conscientious, I suppose. But does it really matter? I mean, I certainly don't want him arriving two hours after the truck, but do I really get my paper any later if he arrives at the same time as the truck? If he arrives five minutes after the truck? It's a drop-off, not a connecting flight.

The paper will be assembled in alphabetical order when possible.

When possible? When is not possible? On the days he forgets how to alphabetize?

The paper will be double bagged when provided.

If we're taking him at his word (and at his grammar), this means the paper will always be double-bagged. (Provided here modifies paper, not bags, which don't technically appear at all.) But I know that's not what he meant.

So what did he mean -- that if the paper comes single-bagged and soaking wet that it's not his fault? Heck, we already knew that.

The paper will (should) not be in the bushes.

This is (perhaps) my favorite one. Because there's nothing like a good (fair), firm (malleable) statement (suggestion) of principle (possibility).

I'm going to have to try this one tomorrow morning, when both boys are lining up for lunch money. They'll put their hands out, and I'll smile and say, The money will (should) be in your hand. Then, based on the weather and the mood I'm in, I'll decide which one to honor.

And if it works on them tomorrow, I'm going to try it on the IRS in April.

The customer will receive the paper as fast as the carrier can deliver without risking injury to your neighbors.

My first reaction here was: the customer? You mean I'm the only one? But then, when I realized it was just another sloppy delivery of diction -- I'm guessing he never arrives before that truck -- I began to imagine him racing, Road-Warrior-like, through the mean streets of Squirrel Hill, tear-assing up and down Shady Avenue, roaring around the corners at Wilkins and Hastings, in some souped-up, hemi-powered PG Mobile, terrorizing pedestrians, drivers, and even small dogs on the sidewalks, just to get our morning papers to the far corners of our front yards as fast as humanly possible.

The pledge seemed like a point of pride. It was also, of course, a shameless plug for a tip -- which I'd be far more inclined to give, were the document better written. But my papers have been showing up on time, and this is the holiday season. So maybe I will (should) give him one.

When provided. And possible.

Posted: Tue - November 27, 2007 at 07:04 PM          

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