TERRY AUSTIN MUST TRY
to find a sense of humor. or at least
write better emails.
Remember a post I wrote a few weeks ago called
GERRY AUSTIN MUST DIE? Of course you do.
Especially those of you who wrote in droves to agree -- not that he should die,
of course; who would be dense or foolish enough to take that literally? -- that
his time as an effective and respected presence on an NFL football field has
gone the way of Brett Favre's, and that, much like the Green Bay quarterback, he
needs to stop embarrassing himself out there before he does irreparable harm
both to his legacy and to our appreciation of it.
Well, thanks to the powers of the web and the glories of Google (or some other search engine), a guy named Terry Austin -- his son? his brother? his doppelganger? -- discovered the post and, perhaps because he is both satirically and syntactically impaired, was not the least bit amused. So unamused was he, in fact, that he decided to write an email in protest. Which is fair and reasonable enough, I think, had he actually sent it to me. But he did not. He sent it instead to Carnegie Mellon University Relations, after apparently reading more of my blog or Googling me or otherwise cyberstalking me and figuring out where I work.
As if the folks in University Relations give a damn about what I write on my personal blog. (Though it turns out they do; the woman who forwarded Mr. Austin's email also wrote to say that she'd read several of my posts and greatly enjoyed them.) As if anyone of Carnegie Mellon importance would care a whit about anything I wrote -- well, except maybe for this -- in the online scribblings of my own private site. What did he think would happen? That'd I'd be fired? Reprimanded? Hung from the nearest yardarm, or maybe from the tallest, silliest sculpture on campus? If so, then it's obvious that his judgments and perceptions are as fanciful and farcical as those of his equally ineffectual father/brother/doppelganger of a referee.
Whatever he thought might happen, it's a shame that Mr. Austin couldn't -- as those crazy college kids like to say -- just man-up and send the email directly to me. If he had, I would have, just as I do for all of my TWM emailers, sent a personal reply that carefully and thoughtfully responded to each one of his concerns. But since he didn't -- and especially since he decided to go over my head or behind my back or up the chain of command or wherever it is paranoid people incapable of detecting sarcasm or accepting satire go when they want to whine about the perceived injustices of their world -- then it seems like a far more fitting and enjoyable method of dealing with his email is to make it public here, at the scene of the original rhetorical crime, with the added bonus of one of those Idiot Letter of the Week de[con]structions fans of TWM have come to know and love...
Does your school endorse Chad Hermann's article of Sept 10 entitled "Gerry Austin Must Die"?
In a daydream this afternoon, I got a kick out of imagining two or three high-ranking Carnegie Mellon administrators replying to his email and saying, Why yes, Mr. Austin, we do. He's one of our best professors -- top 22 in the nation, according to BusinessWeek Magazine, you know! -- and we agree with everything he thinks or says or writes. If he wrote that George W. Bush must die, we'd begin planning an assassination immediately. If he wrote that Osama bin Laden must die, we'd do what we could to help those dullards in the Bush Administration try to track him down. But since he merely wrote that some NFL referee must die, well, we can't get all that worked up about it. So consider yourself lucky. Unless, of course, Gerry screws the Steelers in a home game this season. Then he'll need a police escort to get out of town.
Back in my considerably more mundane reality this evening, I'm still trying to imagine why he imagines anyone in university relations would care. Or why he seems to think they already know about it. Or why he calls a blog post an article. Or why he seems so utterly incapable of grasping the (take your pick) satire, sarcasm, hyperbole, amplification, black comedy, or pop culture allusion.
Though a pop movie may use that phrasing,...
Okay. Maybe he gets the pop culture -- excuse me, pop movie -- allusion. But he surely has no idea what to do with it. Or how to take it. Or why -- and let me take this slowly, so he does not misunderstand -- it's not meant to be taken seriously.
Now. To be fair, I'll admit that I gave that title some long and serious thought. Much more, in fact, than I'd given just about every one of the 800+ titles I'd used to that point. At one point, I even deleted it and tried a couple of alternate titles, none of which had the same zip or zing, and none of which seemed to fit the edgy, over-the-top tone I was so obviously aiming for. From John Tucker Must Die to Romeo Must Die, from The King Must Die to All Squirrels Must Die!, the phrase is so much a part of the pop culture lexicon that I just couldn't imagine anyone being so literal, so silly, so damned melodramatic -- that's right, Terry, I'm talking about you -- that he would actually think the title was meant to be be taken seriously. And so, convinced that anyone who reads this site would get the reference and appreciate the humor, and content that anyone who stumbled upon the post would either get it right away or, after poking around and seeing some of the otherarticles posts, finally figure out that, well, I was not
actually advocating the death of another human being. Not even the worst
referee in the NFL.
...I'm not sure that is a phrase in this day and time that education leaders should even jest with.
An education leader? Gee, thanks, Terry. You flatter me. Which does make me feel a tad bit sheepish about continuing with this post. But what the hell...
...we can't even jest with this phrase in this day and time? Do you mean in 2006? During football season? On Sundays at 10:51pm? I'm confused. Unless, of course, this is some sort of post-9/11, age-of-terrorism, Islamo-football-fascist bit of paranoia. (Which, as we'll see later, it probably is.)
But you know, the more I think about it, the more I think Mr. Austin may be on to something. Maybe we shouldn't joke about death anymore. Maybe we should censor all those movies and songs and web sites I mentioned above. Maybe we should boycott The Killers' new CD. Maybe we should petition to remove that "Bring out your dead!" bit from Spamalot. Maybe we should protest all future productions of Die Fledermaus and ban all board games that come with only one die in the box. These are, after all, dark days and dangerous times. My God, think of the children!
Also Gerry Austin has grandchildren that may wonder why someone would want their Grandfather to die.
If Gerry's grandchildren are as dense and humorless as you, Terry -- and, you know, I have this sinking feeling that they may be -- then they shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a computer. Or a television. Or a football stadium where their grandfather is butchering yet another replay challenge. I'm guessing they'd hear a lot worse there. And that some of those people, at least in the drunken depths of a post-tailgating stupor, may mean it a lot more than I do. Which is to say, at all. And if Gerry Austin's grandchildren want to Google his name -- like, say, their father or uncle or grandfather's doppleganger has been doing -- then they'd better be ready -- unlike, say, their father or uncle or grandfather's doppleganger was -- for whatever they find.
I would wager a princely sum that, should Gerry Austin himself come across that post, it would upset him far less than it has Terry Austin. I doubt he would like it, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't agree with it, but I just can't imagine that a guy as smart and successful as Gerry Austin would really give a damn what I think of his performance lo these past few seasons. With the possible exception of someone running for political office, I can't think of a job that requires thicker skin and greater indifference to criticism than being an NFL referee. Anyone out there think Gerry hasn't heard much, much, much worse than my post in his career? In the last month? In the last week? You'd think at least a little of that toughness would have rubbed off on Terry. If not the grandkids.
Seriously folks, Chad can have his opinion...
Well, gee, thanks, Terry. Nice to know we're still living in a free society here.
...but perhaps he should consider the way he phrases his thoughts.
Well, I didn't give much thought to this one: Terry Austin is a big doofus.
So I spent a little more time considering this one: Terry Austin is a humorless prat who wouldn't recognize irony if it smacked him upside his melodramatic head.
Boy, you're right, Terry. That extra thought does make a difference! I'll have to try that more often.
There are a lot of families across our country that would find little humor in a Doctor of Communication making light of anyone must die.
First of all, I'm not a Doctor of Communication. If you're gonna cyberstalk me, Terry, at least take the time to get the details right.
(I have, however, communicated with doctors. And I've even doctored some communication. But I digress...)
Second of all, why only families? Do single people find more humor in jokes about death? Is it because they're bitter from not having regular sex? What about gay people? Do they find humor in making light of someone dying? Is it because their godless lives are already filled with sin and they're destined to die of AIDS anyway? What about families who do occasionally find humor in a mocking, satirical reference to death? Should they just shut up and die? (Oops. There I go again.)
And finally, once more for the record, no one was making light of anyone must die. Though, after that phrase, I am tempted to make light of someone's poor syntax.
By the way Chad, what calls did Gerry Austin make that create you rampage.
He's talking to me now? In an email to the University Relations people? Did he forget to whom he was writing? Is he psychic? Did he know they were going to forward this to me? Or has he begun to imagine me everywhere at once, some haunting, murderous presence like Freddy Krueger, or maybe that smog monster on LOST.
And by the way, Terry, what grammar you learn that create you error? And forget you use question mark? Mr. Meiser, my sixth-grade English teacher, would have killed me -- um, I mean, he would have been really unhappy with me -- if I'd written like that.
You failed to give one example of your accusations.
Since I was writing a broadside, not a long and detailed argument, I did not include specific examples. And since I have not kept anecdotal records on Gerry Austin's egregious and voluminous history of blown calls these past few seasons, I can't produce one at will. Though I know he made a series of bad calls that afternoon in the Dallas-Jacksonville game, including one on a replay challenge that so clearly and appallingly ignored the indisputable visual evidence standard that it almost made my head explode. I can't remember the exact situation, but I know it was a potentially game-altering decision. And it was dead wrong.
But hey, Terry, be careful what you wish for, my friend. You want examples? Stay tuned. The next time I watch a whole game that Gerry Austin referees, I'll take detailed notes. And I'll post the results right here. I promise.
Gerry Austin is back.
Like the Terminator. But without the computerized vision. Or the sunglasses. Or the bad-ass leather jacket.
He past his physical, he past the test given by the league concerning rules and interpretations of the rules.
I'd be considerably more impressed if he'd passed them. But maybe that's what you meant.
He continues to not only excel in the league but train other officials the are following his path of multiple Super Bowl appearances.
Gerry Austin has refereed two Super Bowls. In 1997 and 2001. And he did, to my recollection, a fine job in both. But then, Brett Favre did a hell of a job in the '97 game, and Trent Dilfer played a pretty great game in '01. Anyone -- besides those myopic ninnies in Green Bay -- want either one of those guys quarterbacking their teams today? Anyone think they belong in the Super Bowl next February? Right. Neither do I. And if the NFL knows what is good for it and its game, it will not put Gerry Austin any closer to that game than Favre or Dilfer will get. And that, of course, was my (admittedly amplified) point all along: not that Gerry Austin has always been a terrible referee, but that he is a terrible referee right now. And that he must...um...expire...uh...retire. Or be urged to do so. Right now. Please.
Well just thought you should know people are tired of the call of Communicators declaring "anyone must die"...
I had no idea this was so common.
...then being shocked when crazies act that kind of nonsense out!
Well, he's got me here. Because I would, indeed, be shocked if anyone -- even the crazies -- acted out my nonsense. (See. I told you this would end in paranoia.) I never once thought that my simple words on this silly little site could have such a great and terrible influence in the world. If I'd known, I would never have written such a horrible and irresponsible title as GERRY AUSTIN MUST DIE. I would have written GERRY AUSTIN MUST RETIRE. Or maybe GERRY AUSTIN MUST BE FIRED. But never, ever GERRY AUSTIN MUST DIE. Certainly not.
Now that I know I have this power, I will wield it far more wisely and fruitfully in the future. Watch for upcoming posts entitled GEORGE BUSH MUST BE IMPEACHED and RICK SANTORUM MUST BE DEFEATED. To be followed immediately by OSAMA BIN LADEN MUST BE CAPTURED and KIM JONG-IL MUST STOP BUILDING HIS NUKES and BARACK OBAMA MUST DO SOMETHING BESIDES SPEAK AT FUNDRAISERS. Once those problems have been solved, I will move on to smaller but no less pressings posts like THE EAGLES MUST WIN THE SUPER BOWL and THE PENGUINS MUST WIN THE STANLEY CUP and METEOROLOGISTS MUST ACCURATELY PREDICT THE WEATHER. And then, finally, I think I'll finish off my good deeds for the month with TERRY AUSTIN MUST CHILL OUT AND WISE UP AND WRITE BETTER EMAILS.
This is the point in the post where I'd originally intended to offer $50 cash money to anyone who observed Terry Austin doing anything even remotely unkind or untoward -- say, leaving a small tip for a waitress or forgetting to say thank you to someone who holds a door open for him or driving in his car while yapping on a cell phone and not watching the road -- and then emailed the human resources department of his employer, AC Corporation, to ask if they endorsed his actions. But then I figured, you know, that's just silly. Because though it would be funny, my regular readers would know that I was only kidding and that I wasn't actually endorsing that behavior. But if Terry Austin should ever find this post -- and you know he will -- I'm afraid the offer will just upset him again. Or, worse still, he'll turn himself in, copy me in to the email, and then follow up a few weeks later, wondering why I haven't kept my word and sent him the money.
Because if this day has taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't be shocked when the crazies read your blog and act some kind of nonsense out.
Well, thanks to the powers of the web and the glories of Google (or some other search engine), a guy named Terry Austin -- his son? his brother? his doppelganger? -- discovered the post and, perhaps because he is both satirically and syntactically impaired, was not the least bit amused. So unamused was he, in fact, that he decided to write an email in protest. Which is fair and reasonable enough, I think, had he actually sent it to me. But he did not. He sent it instead to Carnegie Mellon University Relations, after apparently reading more of my blog or Googling me or otherwise cyberstalking me and figuring out where I work.
As if the folks in University Relations give a damn about what I write on my personal blog. (Though it turns out they do; the woman who forwarded Mr. Austin's email also wrote to say that she'd read several of my posts and greatly enjoyed them.) As if anyone of Carnegie Mellon importance would care a whit about anything I wrote -- well, except maybe for this -- in the online scribblings of my own private site. What did he think would happen? That'd I'd be fired? Reprimanded? Hung from the nearest yardarm, or maybe from the tallest, silliest sculpture on campus? If so, then it's obvious that his judgments and perceptions are as fanciful and farcical as those of his equally ineffectual father/brother/doppelganger of a referee.
Whatever he thought might happen, it's a shame that Mr. Austin couldn't -- as those crazy college kids like to say -- just man-up and send the email directly to me. If he had, I would have, just as I do for all of my TWM emailers, sent a personal reply that carefully and thoughtfully responded to each one of his concerns. But since he didn't -- and especially since he decided to go over my head or behind my back or up the chain of command or wherever it is paranoid people incapable of detecting sarcasm or accepting satire go when they want to whine about the perceived injustices of their world -- then it seems like a far more fitting and enjoyable method of dealing with his email is to make it public here, at the scene of the original rhetorical crime, with the added bonus of one of those Idiot Letter of the Week de[con]structions fans of TWM have come to know and love...
Does your school endorse Chad Hermann's article of Sept 10 entitled "Gerry Austin Must Die"?
In a daydream this afternoon, I got a kick out of imagining two or three high-ranking Carnegie Mellon administrators replying to his email and saying, Why yes, Mr. Austin, we do. He's one of our best professors -- top 22 in the nation, according to BusinessWeek Magazine, you know! -- and we agree with everything he thinks or says or writes. If he wrote that George W. Bush must die, we'd begin planning an assassination immediately. If he wrote that Osama bin Laden must die, we'd do what we could to help those dullards in the Bush Administration try to track him down. But since he merely wrote that some NFL referee must die, well, we can't get all that worked up about it. So consider yourself lucky. Unless, of course, Gerry screws the Steelers in a home game this season. Then he'll need a police escort to get out of town.
Back in my considerably more mundane reality this evening, I'm still trying to imagine why he imagines anyone in university relations would care. Or why he seems to think they already know about it. Or why he calls a blog post an article. Or why he seems so utterly incapable of grasping the (take your pick) satire, sarcasm, hyperbole, amplification, black comedy, or pop culture allusion.
Though a pop movie may use that phrasing,...
Okay. Maybe he gets the pop culture -- excuse me, pop movie -- allusion. But he surely has no idea what to do with it. Or how to take it. Or why -- and let me take this slowly, so he does not misunderstand -- it's not meant to be taken seriously.
Now. To be fair, I'll admit that I gave that title some long and serious thought. Much more, in fact, than I'd given just about every one of the 800+ titles I'd used to that point. At one point, I even deleted it and tried a couple of alternate titles, none of which had the same zip or zing, and none of which seemed to fit the edgy, over-the-top tone I was so obviously aiming for. From John Tucker Must Die to Romeo Must Die, from The King Must Die to All Squirrels Must Die!, the phrase is so much a part of the pop culture lexicon that I just couldn't imagine anyone being so literal, so silly, so damned melodramatic -- that's right, Terry, I'm talking about you -- that he would actually think the title was meant to be be taken seriously. And so, convinced that anyone who reads this site would get the reference and appreciate the humor, and content that anyone who stumbled upon the post would either get it right away or, after poking around and seeing some of the other
...I'm not sure that is a phrase in this day and time that education leaders should even jest with.
An education leader? Gee, thanks, Terry. You flatter me. Which does make me feel a tad bit sheepish about continuing with this post. But what the hell...
...we can't even jest with this phrase in this day and time? Do you mean in 2006? During football season? On Sundays at 10:51pm? I'm confused. Unless, of course, this is some sort of post-9/11, age-of-terrorism, Islamo-football-fascist bit of paranoia. (Which, as we'll see later, it probably is.)
But you know, the more I think about it, the more I think Mr. Austin may be on to something. Maybe we shouldn't joke about death anymore. Maybe we should censor all those movies and songs and web sites I mentioned above. Maybe we should boycott The Killers' new CD. Maybe we should petition to remove that "Bring out your dead!" bit from Spamalot. Maybe we should protest all future productions of Die Fledermaus and ban all board games that come with only one die in the box. These are, after all, dark days and dangerous times. My God, think of the children!
Also Gerry Austin has grandchildren that may wonder why someone would want their Grandfather to die.
If Gerry's grandchildren are as dense and humorless as you, Terry -- and, you know, I have this sinking feeling that they may be -- then they shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a computer. Or a television. Or a football stadium where their grandfather is butchering yet another replay challenge. I'm guessing they'd hear a lot worse there. And that some of those people, at least in the drunken depths of a post-tailgating stupor, may mean it a lot more than I do. Which is to say, at all. And if Gerry Austin's grandchildren want to Google his name -- like, say, their father or uncle or grandfather's doppleganger has been doing -- then they'd better be ready -- unlike, say, their father or uncle or grandfather's doppleganger was -- for whatever they find.
I would wager a princely sum that, should Gerry Austin himself come across that post, it would upset him far less than it has Terry Austin. I doubt he would like it, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't agree with it, but I just can't imagine that a guy as smart and successful as Gerry Austin would really give a damn what I think of his performance lo these past few seasons. With the possible exception of someone running for political office, I can't think of a job that requires thicker skin and greater indifference to criticism than being an NFL referee. Anyone out there think Gerry hasn't heard much, much, much worse than my post in his career? In the last month? In the last week? You'd think at least a little of that toughness would have rubbed off on Terry. If not the grandkids.
Seriously folks, Chad can have his opinion...
Well, gee, thanks, Terry. Nice to know we're still living in a free society here.
...but perhaps he should consider the way he phrases his thoughts.
Well, I didn't give much thought to this one: Terry Austin is a big doofus.
So I spent a little more time considering this one: Terry Austin is a humorless prat who wouldn't recognize irony if it smacked him upside his melodramatic head.
Boy, you're right, Terry. That extra thought does make a difference! I'll have to try that more often.
There are a lot of families across our country that would find little humor in a Doctor of Communication making light of anyone must die.
First of all, I'm not a Doctor of Communication. If you're gonna cyberstalk me, Terry, at least take the time to get the details right.
(I have, however, communicated with doctors. And I've even doctored some communication. But I digress...)
Second of all, why only families? Do single people find more humor in jokes about death? Is it because they're bitter from not having regular sex? What about gay people? Do they find humor in making light of someone dying? Is it because their godless lives are already filled with sin and they're destined to die of AIDS anyway? What about families who do occasionally find humor in a mocking, satirical reference to death? Should they just shut up and die? (Oops. There I go again.)
And finally, once more for the record, no one was making light of anyone must die. Though, after that phrase, I am tempted to make light of someone's poor syntax.
By the way Chad, what calls did Gerry Austin make that create you rampage.
He's talking to me now? In an email to the University Relations people? Did he forget to whom he was writing? Is he psychic? Did he know they were going to forward this to me? Or has he begun to imagine me everywhere at once, some haunting, murderous presence like Freddy Krueger, or maybe that smog monster on LOST.
And by the way, Terry, what grammar you learn that create you error? And forget you use question mark? Mr. Meiser, my sixth-grade English teacher, would have killed me -- um, I mean, he would have been really unhappy with me -- if I'd written like that.
You failed to give one example of your accusations.
Since I was writing a broadside, not a long and detailed argument, I did not include specific examples. And since I have not kept anecdotal records on Gerry Austin's egregious and voluminous history of blown calls these past few seasons, I can't produce one at will. Though I know he made a series of bad calls that afternoon in the Dallas-Jacksonville game, including one on a replay challenge that so clearly and appallingly ignored the indisputable visual evidence standard that it almost made my head explode. I can't remember the exact situation, but I know it was a potentially game-altering decision. And it was dead wrong.
But hey, Terry, be careful what you wish for, my friend. You want examples? Stay tuned. The next time I watch a whole game that Gerry Austin referees, I'll take detailed notes. And I'll post the results right here. I promise.
Gerry Austin is back.
Like the Terminator. But without the computerized vision. Or the sunglasses. Or the bad-ass leather jacket.
He past his physical, he past the test given by the league concerning rules and interpretations of the rules.
I'd be considerably more impressed if he'd passed them. But maybe that's what you meant.
He continues to not only excel in the league but train other officials the are following his path of multiple Super Bowl appearances.
Gerry Austin has refereed two Super Bowls. In 1997 and 2001. And he did, to my recollection, a fine job in both. But then, Brett Favre did a hell of a job in the '97 game, and Trent Dilfer played a pretty great game in '01. Anyone -- besides those myopic ninnies in Green Bay -- want either one of those guys quarterbacking their teams today? Anyone think they belong in the Super Bowl next February? Right. Neither do I. And if the NFL knows what is good for it and its game, it will not put Gerry Austin any closer to that game than Favre or Dilfer will get. And that, of course, was my (admittedly amplified) point all along: not that Gerry Austin has always been a terrible referee, but that he is a terrible referee right now. And that he must...um...expire...uh...retire. Or be urged to do so. Right now. Please.
Well just thought you should know people are tired of the call of Communicators declaring "anyone must die"...
I had no idea this was so common.
...then being shocked when crazies act that kind of nonsense out!
Well, he's got me here. Because I would, indeed, be shocked if anyone -- even the crazies -- acted out my nonsense. (See. I told you this would end in paranoia.) I never once thought that my simple words on this silly little site could have such a great and terrible influence in the world. If I'd known, I would never have written such a horrible and irresponsible title as GERRY AUSTIN MUST DIE. I would have written GERRY AUSTIN MUST RETIRE. Or maybe GERRY AUSTIN MUST BE FIRED. But never, ever GERRY AUSTIN MUST DIE. Certainly not.
Now that I know I have this power, I will wield it far more wisely and fruitfully in the future. Watch for upcoming posts entitled GEORGE BUSH MUST BE IMPEACHED and RICK SANTORUM MUST BE DEFEATED. To be followed immediately by OSAMA BIN LADEN MUST BE CAPTURED and KIM JONG-IL MUST STOP BUILDING HIS NUKES and BARACK OBAMA MUST DO SOMETHING BESIDES SPEAK AT FUNDRAISERS. Once those problems have been solved, I will move on to smaller but no less pressings posts like THE EAGLES MUST WIN THE SUPER BOWL and THE PENGUINS MUST WIN THE STANLEY CUP and METEOROLOGISTS MUST ACCURATELY PREDICT THE WEATHER. And then, finally, I think I'll finish off my good deeds for the month with TERRY AUSTIN MUST CHILL OUT AND WISE UP AND WRITE BETTER EMAILS.
This is the point in the post where I'd originally intended to offer $50 cash money to anyone who observed Terry Austin doing anything even remotely unkind or untoward -- say, leaving a small tip for a waitress or forgetting to say thank you to someone who holds a door open for him or driving in his car while yapping on a cell phone and not watching the road -- and then emailed the human resources department of his employer, AC Corporation, to ask if they endorsed his actions. But then I figured, you know, that's just silly. Because though it would be funny, my regular readers would know that I was only kidding and that I wasn't actually endorsing that behavior. But if Terry Austin should ever find this post -- and you know he will -- I'm afraid the offer will just upset him again. Or, worse still, he'll turn himself in, copy me in to the email, and then follow up a few weeks later, wondering why I haven't kept my word and sent him the money.
Because if this day has taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't be shocked when the crazies read your blog and act some kind of nonsense out.
Posted: Thu - October 12, 2006 at 10:31 PM
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