WHILE I WAS AWAY


there was always something to say.

Last year, I took a ten-day break, came home, sat down at my keyboard, and felt like I hadn’t missed a thing; the world, it seemed, had decided to take a vacation along with me. But this year, it just kept turning. And spinning. And getting a little bit dizzy. Every time I picked up a Philadelphia Inquirer or USA Today or Baltimore Sun, every time I turned on a little local or national news, there was something going on or picking up or coming down that made me wish I'd picked some other time to hang up my keyboard.

The men and women of the senate, who could only improve their job performance by taking a vacation, instead stayed in Washington and came within a single vote of fire-proofing our flags but fire-bombing our First Amendment. Thirty-four senators managed to throw a little water on the Bill of Rights, keep Old Glory dry, and kill the amendment. The republic has so-far managed to survive.

Star Jones Reynolds, who’d already lost much of her weight, lost her job and most of her mind on national television. The next day, Barbara Walters -- who should know better -- lost most of her dignity and all of our respect. The morning news shows, one step closer to giving up on real news, covered the story like an impeachment. Or a thunderstorm.

Thunderstorms, torrential rains, and Biblical floods came to the mid-Atlantic states, where rivers rose, spirits fell, and meteorologists finally deserved all that precious screen time. They still couldn’t predict the weather, of course — we were supposed to get a week’s worth of rain at the beach; instead, we got a week’s worth of hot sun and blue skies — but at least they could describe it. And for once, the drama was real.

Some half-assed, wanna-be terrorists were arrested in Florida. Federal authorities claimed the men were plotting to blow up the Sears Tower. But they had no explosives, no Al-Qaeda connections, and the look of seven men who weren’t even smart enough to find a Sears store. While those guys were being booked in Miami, the rest of the state remained under seige by hordes of reptilian terrorists. Three more people — two sitting on the banks of canals and one snorkeling in a swampy stream — were attacked by alligators, and no one, save for the alligators, could understand why.

Conservative jingoes continued to bash the New York Times and pretend that real terrorists couldn’t figure out that their bank records might be surveilled. North Korean whackos fueled a couple of missiles, fired them, and pretended they could go farther than the Sea of Japan. At this pace, we can pretend to be worried for at least another twenty years. By then, Osama bin Laden and Kim Jong Il will have died of natural causes, and George W. Bush will have declared two more missions accomplished.

Jay-I Declare War-Z urged a boycott of Cristal. Rush Too Many Whites are Getting Away with Drug Use Limbaugh got caught with a bottle of Viagra. Women of the world were alternately pleased and frightened.

Another this is the year Americans will finally give a damn about soccer World Cup Group Round came and went and no one noticed. The NBA held its annual entry draft and no one watched. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban got married and no one cared.

Superman returned. Steve Yzerman retired. Johnny Cash reanimated.

And Warren Buffet rendered, if not unto Caesar, at least unto Bill and Melinda, announcing that he would give away thirty-seven billion of his dollars. So far, he has not returned my calls.

Posted: Wed - July 5, 2006 at 10:44 PM          

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