Sundaresh Says

Sun - January 8, 2006

Sundaresh Says: Find Sundaresh

(In lieu of writing something for this week's Sundaresh Says column, Sundaresh has elected to send in a photoshop project he did in school.)

(Click for full size, then print it out, then stick it on your refrigerator.)

Posted at 11:48 PM

Sun - January 1, 2006

Sundaresh says: Predictions for 2006

(What does the new year hold in store for us? According to Sundaresh, a lot of Chuck Norris.)

Finally the end of 2005 has arrived. Many of us this New Year will resort to a bunch of useless resolutions that, by the end of January 2006, will end up being last year’s news. Instead of wasting my time giving you my resolutions for the New Year, I'm going to try something a little different and give you some key predictions for 2006. Over the last few years one thing that I have found that I am good at is predicting world events. Now some of you may think I am slightly crazy and think, "How can Sundaresh predict the future?" Well, ladies and gentleman that’s a question that I can’t answer but we will see if any of my three major predictions come true in 2006:

Prediction 1:

As we all know there has been a movement in TV to add more gay oriented TV shows. Supposedly, gay oriented TV shows are becoming easier to sell and to advertise for. Now I don’t have a problem with anyone in the gay community. My problem is I can only take so much gayness before I have to blow a bunch of money at a strip joint or watch the ultimate fighting challenge marathon to get my testosterone level back up from metrosexual sensitive guy to skull cracking, womanizing ass kicker. The last manly show on TV was with Chuck Norris in “Walker, Texas Ranger”. Where Chuck Norris was able to flip cars, kick people through windows, smash skulls and disarm terrorists all with his famous spinning side kick. The spinning side kick was so cool that he was able to use Einstein’s theory of relativity to slow down time just enough to position himself in order to perform his ultimate finishing move. As you may have guessed already, prediction number 1 will be a return of Chuck Norris, the manliest man to roam our planet.

Prediction 2:

My second prediction ties into prediction number one. With the return of Chuck Norris there will be the final end of the metrosexual. Now ladies, how many of you really want to date a man that uses the same shampoo, skin cream, lip stick, glitter, eye shadow and blush as you do? In conversation with his other buddies they're not talking about who smashed whose skull on the football field but what kind of skin care products they're using. How silly do you ladies, who date metrosexuals, feel when you go to ULTRA or flip through the Mary Kay catalog to shop for your boyfriend on his birthday? If some guy pinches your ass at a club you don’t want your metrosexual boyfriend to pull out his eye liner to defend you -- you want someone like Chuck Norris to do the spinning side kick to smash the guy over the bar into the bottles of liquor. Now as we all know I’m damn good looking and I dress fairly well so any ladies out there that are interested in dumping your metrosexual boyfriend and begin dating real men please leave your comment down below.

Prediction 3:

After all the skull cracking that Chuck Norris will perform in the following New Year we will finally return to a time in our country's history where there be clear boundaries as to where we stand as individuals. Now I know some of you women out there are thinking, "Does Sundaresh want men to become cavemen and women to stand around barefoot and pregnant?" As much as that image of me carrying a baseball bat while the wife is blown up like a humpback whale cutting onions amuses me, I really do not want that, nor do I see that in the future. After Chuck Norris rises from his Hollywood grave into mainstream America, men can finally wake up from their goofy dreams of trying to figure out what women really want and become all the man they can truly be. So in review, my prediction for 2006 is the return of real men and the rise of Chaikaroma as the headquarters for skull cracking, emotionally strong, testosterone filled man.

Happy New Year.

Bold predictions and a tantalizing offer from a bold guy. Stay tuned to find out what Sundaresh Says next week.

Posted at 06:39 PM

Fri - December 23, 2005

Sundaresh Says: 2 Stars out of 5 for Brokeback Mountain

(Here's this week's Sundaresh Says)

Last week Chaika and I went and saw Brokeback Mountain. I was surprised that the content from previews that I had watched wasn’t even in the movie itself. What I did see however, was the mountain they called “Brokeback”. I was surprised it took a ship, an ancient map and a bit of luck to find it. What the hell happened to the two cowboys riding horses, holding hands and slapping leather in the woods riding up the Brokeback Mountain?? What I was astonished about was that the American Indians that lived on Brokeback Mountain didn’t even resemble the American Indians that we know of from our nation's history; the previews really threw me for a loop. I was expecting Wild West wilderness and I mostly got dense jungle with large endangered and super-sized animals. I see a definite academy award for the crew that hired those extras and the makeup artists who got those extras into those super-sized animal suits. The movie seemed to base around a wacky giant ape that all of sudden appeared and seemed to want to smash shit left and right. In the previews it seemed like there was a relationship between two homosexual cowboys. In fact, in the actual movie itself, there happened to be a strong relationship between an ape (I'm not sure who this actor in the ape suit is) and a woman played by Naomi Watts (January 2006 GQ cover). At the very least I was hoping to see a relationship bloom between Adrian Brody (“Dummy”) and Jack Black ("Tenacious D”) but all I got was this bestiality relationship between a woman and an ape. I was also surprised to know that even with this bestiality relationship the movie was only rated R! I can’t imagine that the MPAA with all the pressure from the religious freaks, the family values crew and the ACLU would allow a rating of R for a movie that had a clear animal-human relationship. I guess if the giant ape had tea bagged Naomi Watts the MPAA would have to think of a new rating, such as ATB: All ages 18+ except residents of Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee 14+ for Animal Tea Bagging. As we all know members of those great states are used to having their 4-legged friend squatting in some promiscuous way. Anyways back to Brokeback Mountain... later on the movie gets quite confusing -- the entire movie then gets focused in New York after Naomi Watts's love interest gets captured by people on the mountain. Then more shit gets broken. The giant ape tries to get with other blondes, but throws them aside because the monkey love that the ape shared with Naomi Watts wasn’t as good with the other women. Then the ape climbs up a building and jumps off -- committing suicide -- because Naomi Watts rejected their monkey love, and Adrian Brody comes in for the rebound. I give Brokeback Mountain 2 out of 5 stars because: 1) the previews lied, and 2) the bestiality had gone a little too far. Again, huge props for people in the animal suits. I can only imagine how hot it was in those suits in that jungle and to be able to perform an academy award winning performance... absolutely spectacular.

For more Sundaresh Says click here.

Posted at 04:31 PM

Fri - December 16, 2005

Sundaresh Says: Help Wanted

(This is the first of what could become a weekly feature on Chaikaroma -- Sundaresh's opinion column Sundaresh Says.)

Anyone find it annoying when you walk into an establishment's restroom and see that there is a restroom attendant sitting there waiting to serve you? I find it extremely annoying and sometimes I feel the need to take a leak somewhere else. Does someone wake up one morning and say, Damn it's going to be a great week in the restroom? How does one get a job as a restroom attendant? I've had a restroom attendant tell a bouncer to kick out one of my friends because he got sick and puked in the toilet. Is that really necessary? I mean as an attendant of a restroom wouldn't it be the individual's job to help the patron with their predicament since they are in charge of what happens in the restroom? I don't really feel like tipping the person that hands me a paper towel from the automatic paper towel dispenser! But a small part of me wants to feel bad for the person for handing me the towel. I guess that's the key to being a restroom attendant is to be able to extract the human emotion of guilt, into giving the person some change for pumping the soap dispenser, turning on the water and then handing the paper towel. I mean obviously they're not going to hold my penis or wipe my ass. Nor would I want the person to either. Then again I wonder what I can get for 100 bucks. It comes to my attention that maybe I could open a job recruiting business. That recruits people to do stuff that people don't want to do. For example how about getting someone to turn off lights for me anytime I need to turn a light off. Turning lights off is so overrated and tedious. I was also thinking about finding someone to twist knobs on doors. Not to open the door, but just twist the knob so that I can make the effort of opening the door. It's so much work to twist knobs. Plus repeated twisting movements could cause carpal tunnel. I was going to open a posting for a stamp licker. But most stamps nowadays come with sticky tape in back. I wonder how many unemployed stamp lickers there are now? I could hire those unemployed stamp lickers to try something new like closing the envelope. But not by licking the envelope to close it!! ... just to fold the flap. Anyways my bed sheet opener is calling me so i can sleep. And my alarm set employee has a long day tomorrow to flip the alarm switch on my clock . And I need to hire a light switch attendant tomorrow. I guess I'm going to have to suffer with lights on until I fill that position.

For more Sundaresh Says, click here.

Posted at 10:30 AM

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