Prehab
You may have heard of the recent
misadventures of young
Transformers
star Shia LaBeouf. His arrest for the crime of "Drunk in Walgreens" reminded me
of my idea that I haven't gotten around to implementing:
Prehab.
Young stars and starlets would enter my Prehab program before their first DUI's, before flashing their hoo-has, before saying words that hurt people's feelings, before posing nude for PETA, etc. The young, famous and about to be scandalous would receive invaluable real-world advice and guidance from experts like me (I know the pressures of world-wide fame and adoration. I mean, I can barely get through the airport without getting mobbed by fans (true, if preposterously exaggerated, story). Of course I would need some females on staff to handle wardrobe-related issues, because hell if I know how to exit a limo without underwear). But the meat of the program would consist of preemptively apologizing for such as drug addiction, racial slurs, driving a Toyota Prius at twice the posted speed limit, child neglect, regicide, public urination, and anything else that might come up.
For example, let's say young Hannah Montana graduates from Prehab. Later that day, high on quaeludes, she leads police on a high speed chase in her Toyota Prius. When her batteries run out, she presents the arresting officers with her Prehab diploma. Since her sentence would have been rehab, Prehab affords her immunity.
I feel I've let young Mr. La Bohème down. Not being a graduate of my Prehab program, he wasn't prepared for a Drunk in Walgreens situation. Drunk in Walgreens would fall under the broader "Drunk in Convenience Store" class (prerequisites: "Drunk" and "Stores"). From the syllabus, under "If you find yourself drunk in a convenience store":
.
.I suspect young Master La Beowulf went astray somewhere between steps 2 and 3.
Young stars and starlets would enter my Prehab program before their first DUI's, before flashing their hoo-has, before saying words that hurt people's feelings, before posing nude for PETA, etc. The young, famous and about to be scandalous would receive invaluable real-world advice and guidance from experts like me (I know the pressures of world-wide fame and adoration. I mean, I can barely get through the airport without getting mobbed by fans (true, if preposterously exaggerated, story). Of course I would need some females on staff to handle wardrobe-related issues, because hell if I know how to exit a limo without underwear). But the meat of the program would consist of preemptively apologizing for such as drug addiction, racial slurs, driving a Toyota Prius at twice the posted speed limit, child neglect, regicide, public urination, and anything else that might come up.
For example, let's say young Hannah Montana graduates from Prehab. Later that day, high on quaeludes, she leads police on a high speed chase in her Toyota Prius. When her batteries run out, she presents the arresting officers with her Prehab diploma. Since her sentence would have been rehab, Prehab affords her immunity.
I feel I've let young Mr. La Bohème down. Not being a graduate of my Prehab program, he wasn't prepared for a Drunk in Walgreens situation. Drunk in Walgreens would fall under the broader "Drunk in Convenience Store" class (prerequisites: "Drunk" and "Stores"). From the syllabus, under "If you find yourself drunk in a convenience store":
.
1) Play cool.
2) If the cashier refuses to sell you something based on your state of inebriation, try putting it back on a shelf and buying something else. If rebuffed a second time, do not push your luck. Remember, three strikes and you're out!
3) When in doubt, yes you have worn out your welcome. Politely wish everyone goodnight and leave.
4) Point yourself toward home and commence stumbling at a relaxed pace. If you happen upon an obstacle, turn right and repeat.
.I suspect young Master La Beowulf went astray somewhere between steps 2 and 3.
Posted: Tue - November 6, 2007 at 07:36 PM
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Published On: Nov 06, 2007 07:53 PM
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Published On: Nov 06, 2007 07:53 PM