Sun - July 16, 2006

A thought


If Pabst Brewing Company decided to make cream cheese they could call it "Pabst Schmear."

Posted at 11:27 PM    

Wed - July 12, 2006

Two Science Fiction Story Ideas


First idea: It's the far, far future. A human civilization, confined to a medium-sized planetoid, is making a long, slow trip from one side of the galaxy to the other. A small black whole is trapped in the center of the planetoid and harnessed, providing an essentially infinite supply of power and resources. They have been traveling for millennia when they come to the conclusion that they may be lost. A conflict arises. The women want to stop and ask directions. However, the men are hesitant, since they are willing to trust their own sense of direction. A gender-based civil war ensues. Eventually, the women seize control of the asteroid, and manage a small detour, where they ask directions from a friendly alien species. They continue on, and eventually the two sides reconcile. But centuries later, conflict arises again. It seems that, when the women asked for directions, they didn't listen carefully. According to the women, they were told to go to the third stellar system and turn west in the galactic plane. But, in retrospect, it is unclear whether these three systems include the system they were in when asking directions, or whether they were supposed to travel three additional systems. The men are positively livid.

Second idea: While brushing his teeth, a man finds himself transported to a parallel universe. This parallel universe is precisely the same as ours, except that shirts have tags on the inside front of collars, rather than the back.

Posted at 09:51 AM    

Thu - May 5, 2005

Start of new "Classic Jokes" category


Question: "What time is it?"
Answer: "Half past the cow's ass according to his balls."

Posted at 12:34 PM    

Tue - March 29, 2005

The Microwave Oven


If anything is a monument to the growing impatience of mankind, it is The Microwave Oven. How many times have you walked up to a microwave, and seen that it has 3 or 4 seconds left on the timer? Think about what that means. It means that the person who used it before you couldn't wait wait the final few seconds needed to cook their food properly. They'd rather have it a little cold.

My microwave oven features "one-touch" cooking. I tell you, that makes a big difference in my day.

Also, in my house, we can't be bothered to say "microwave" anymore. That's three syllables - way too much effort. We just say "nuke." I think this is becoming the norm.

Posted at 05:28 PM    

A memo to Sushi chefs


To all makers of Sushi,

You know that flat green plastic stuff you use to separate my sushi? Maybe it's supposed to be grass? Well, I don't need that. You can just leave it out of my order.

Thank you for your consideration.

Bruce

Posted at 05:18 PM    

Wed - November 17, 2004

CSI: Wilmette, Illinois


My wife and I just had our third child, a little baby boy. Our last baby was born over four years ago, and there was much that I had completely forgotten. For example, doctors expect you to keep a chart of the baby's "output," at least for the first few weeks. Each entry is not only supposed to contain a note of time and type, it's also supposed to have a judgment of quantity, and some notes about quality (e.g., color and consistency). This is not always easy. The diaper industry has invested millions of research dollars in the invention of liners that suck every drop of moisture away from your baby's skin. Thus, assessment of output requires some special skills. For example, one type of test involves breaking open the liner. If the material inside of the liner has formed into little pellets, this indicates that the baby has urinated. I feel pretty cool when I do this. In the middle of the night, I sometimes pretend I'm in an episode of CSI. It would be even better if there was some kind of special light I could shine on the inside of the diaper.

I really like the whole idea of keeping an output chart. Imagine if we kept it our entire lives, and we were really careful to not miss an entry. We could even extend it to include farts.

9-8-03. 3:57 pm. Loud, about 3 seconds long. Minimal odor.
9-8-03. 4:03 pm. SBD. No one knew. I'm getting better at this!

Posted at 02:41 PM    

Something else now in the public domain


As you all know, I regularly have some really fantastic ideas. There's so many that it's simply not possible for me to follow up on all of them. Rather than have these ideas become lost forever, I have made it my practice to post them here, so that readers may follow these ideas to their inevitable fruition.

Here is a new idea, that I now consider to be in the public domain.

There are many Reese's products now. There's the original Peanut Butter Cup, of course. That's been around for a while. But now there are Reese's Pieces, Reesesticks, Reese's Bites, Reese's NutRageous and many others. I love all of these Reese's products - every one of them. I'd be happy if that was all I ate.

So I've been thinking, why not start a new chain of restaurants that were based solely around Reese's products? If you went for breakfast, you could have Reese's cereal. If you went for a bigger meal later in the day, you might start with the mini cups as an appetizer. Then move on to full size cups for you main course. Then finish with Reese's ice cream. Pretty awesome idea, eh?

Btw, you can download the Reese's screensavers here .

Posted at 02:23 PM    

Thu - June 10, 2004

Baby names


For those of you who don't know, my wife and I are expecting a new baby sometime in November. Hooray for us! We already know that the baby will be a boy (apparently he is well-endowed, even at this early age).

I know that this is an observation that has been made often. I find it annoying that an otherwise perfectly good name can be wrecked by one bad individual. So the names Adolph and Genghis are pretty much ruined. And you really just can't name a kid Beelzebub anymore.

Posted at 02:31 PM    

Tue - March 2, 2004

Special


It's not just "K," it's "Special K."

Posted at 09:22 AM    

Wed - February 4, 2004

My birthday


Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me! Since it's my birthday, I feel that I should be able to indulge myself. So, I've been trying to think, what sort of blog entry should I reward myself with? I'm generally most amused by bathroom humor. But, looking back over recent posts, it seems I don't need for it to be my birthday for me to partake of that particular indulgence.

But, ahah! I see that I've written nary a thing about belching. That's a bit hard to believe, given how much I've got to say on the subject. So let's dig in.

You know how, when you've got a belch ready to go, it feels like there's some sort of spring that's depressed. Then, when you're ready, you give that spring a nudge, and it shoots the burp out. And, if you're trying to burp intentionally, then you push down that spring. Is this really what's going on?

If it is like a spring, that raises some interesting possibilities. For example, it should be possible to calculate the potential energy that is stored in the spring prior to the belch, and hence to associate an energy value with the belch itself. Pretty cool!

And here's something really interesting to think about. Suppose we do associate an energy value with each belch. There must have been, over all of human history, some belch that had the highest energy value of all the belches ever. That must have been a real monster. It would have really been something to have been there for that one!

Posted at 11:42 PM    

Mon - February 2, 2004

Please let me know


Lately, while watching TV, I've noticed that some people, especially the elderly, have very asymmetric heads. This is a plea to my friends: If you ever notice that my head has started to show signs of asymmetry, please let me know. Maybe there's something I could do about it. If one side is bulging, I could try to sleep on that side. Maybe there's even prophylactic headgear. I would investigate.

Posted at 09:43 PM    

Sun - February 1, 2004

Support Group



I am starting a new support group called Men With Small Bladders (MWSB). We'll be engaging in a variety of activities. These include:

- Lobbying of local and federal legislators for recognition and rights of MWSB. For example, we believe we should be able to park in handicapped spots. And every movie should be required to have an intermission or a boring part every 20 minutes.
- We will offer sensitivity training courses for family, friends, and co-workers of MWSB. For example, participants in the course will engage in scenario-based roll playing: Suppose you're in the car with an MWSB, and he says "Would you mind stopping so I can use the toilet?" What's the right response? Is it: "Do you think you can wait until we get there, it'll only be 15 minutes?" No. Instead, you should slam on the breaks and swerve over to the side of the road. Also, you should say: "Oh, I needed to go myself anyway."
- We are also seeking funding for commercial ventures. One of our first goals is to open a store that specializes in products for the small-bladdered. Products will include specially adjustable belts and super shock-absorbent car cushions.


While I'm on the subject, I have a urinal etiquette question. Here's the question: Are food and drink allowed? Suppose I'm attending a sporting event, and I've just bought a soft drink and some snacks. Do I have to go back to my seat, or can I bring the food with me? And, if I do bring it with me, what exactly are the rules? Can I hold the food in one hand, while the other hand takes care of business? Can I put my drink on the top edge of the urinal, if there is one?

The answer to this etiquette question would be easier if I was in possession of certain empirical facts. When you're standing at a urinal, the pee stream strikes the porcelain surface and then seems to stream down toward the bottom of the urinal, while staying in contact with the porcelain. But, there must be a certain tiny fraction of the pee that strikes the surface and then bounces back out into space in a wide spray. I would like to know what the radius of this spray zone is. If I hold my food and drink above my head, is it safely out of the zone? Can appropriate anglage of the initial stream produce a more desirably located spray zone?

Posted at 09:56 PM    

Mon - January 26, 2004

Just a part of life



You know how sometimes they say "Death is just a part of life." That's just wrong, isn't it?

Posted at 09:55 PM    

Sat - January 3, 2004

There's really nothing like it



There's nothing like the feeling you get from that extra run of the dishwasher you sometimes do in the middle of the day. Those clean dishes, and that extra dishwasher space, are like found money. You know how you've got company coming over in the evening, and the dishwasher's already pretty full? So you load up anything that's around, and set it for a quick wash. Then you don't tell anyone. Later, when your spouse is setting the table for dinner, she might say "Oh, did someone run the dishwasher? That was a good idea." And you think to yourself: It wasn't a good idea, it was fucking brilliant!

Posted at 09:54 PM    

First invention


Here's an idea whose time has come: The HandSock.

Posted at 09:54 PM    

Sat - December 27, 2003

Air travel



I just spent most of the day on an airplane, flying from Chicago to San Francisco. Near the end of the flight, there was a general announcement: "This ends the audio portion of our flight." What is the purpose of this strange airline-speak? Couldn't they just say: "We're going to turn off the music now." If I ever become a flight attendant, I am going to say: "This ends the asses-on-seats portion of our flight."

Why is it so hard to understand that I want the can, but no plastic cup with ice cubes?

Now I will describe the worst thing that ever happened to me on an airplane. I was traveling with my three-year-old daughter, Leah, and I had to take a dump. Leah asked if she could come along on the little excursion to the airplane toilet. So, as I sat doing my business, my daughter stood there and talked to me. Since airplane toilets are so small, she was essentially standing up against my legs.

Then, out of nowhere, a terrible and unthinkable thing happened: Leah began to barf. This was not a minor barf - not a cough or burp that brought up a little digested food. This was a full on, explosive, stomach emptying barf, both large in quantity, and high in projectile properties. I panicked, and sought for a way out, but there was no where to go. I must have screamed because the stewardess starting pounding on the door: "Is everything okay in there sir?" Finally, it ended, and we were left with the aftermath, Leah crying, and me to stunned to speak.

This ends the aerial portion of this blog.

Posted at 09:53 PM    

Pushing the limits of modern science


Some subjects seem to be off limits for modern science. Take, for example, human feces. Little has been written about the wondrous diversity that is the human turd. Here I seek, in a very modest way, to remedy this situation. What I propose is a partial taxonomy:

The Doodie: This is the prototypical human turd. A stretched, somewhat pointy ovoid. Moderately firm.

Turdolettes: Smallish, approximately spherical balls, nearly always produced in quantity. Range from firm to hard.

The Snake: Extremely long and tubular in shape. When properly executed, coils up in bowl. Ranges from soft to moderate.

The Fat Bastard: Similar in shape to the Doodie, but wider and much harder. Generally too large to pass without discomfort. Ranges from hard to extremely hard.

The Muffin: Extremely rare.

The Corn Dog: Really a variation on the Doodie. Has the Doodie shape, but with visible corn kernels embedded like little gems. Moderately firm.

Some more thoughts on the shapes of turds: I have been pondering the question of why turds have their characteristic tubular shape. Currently, I have two working hypotheses. The first is the "Sausage Theory." According to this theory, turds get their tubular shape because they are formed in the intestines, which are themselves long tubes. When they are dropped, they retain this shape.

My second hypothesis is the "Fun Factory Theory." Here the analogy is to the Playdough Fun Factory, a popular children's toy. According to this hypothesis, turds begin their lives as more amorphous blobs. Then they get their tube shape when they are forced through the anus.

Is either of these theories correct? That is a question for modern science!

Posted at 09:52 PM    

Fri - December 26, 2003

The Staging Area



Here's something that no one ever talks about. You know how, before you fart, you can usually tell that you've got one all ready to go? The fart is just waiting there, ready for you to give the word. Here's my question: When the fart is waiting, where is it waiting? Does that special location have a name? If not, I'd like to propose that, for purposes of standardization, we all agree on the phrase that I have been using informally: "The Fart Staging Area."

Posted at 09:51 PM    

Homo Sapiens Stupidus




Are you a member of this species?

Here's something I don't understand: Not only will people wait right up at the very edge of the curb, they'll actually stand with half of a foot hanging over the edge, and lean forward. Do they think that this is somehow going to save them time when the light changes?

This is what I'd like to point out: There's no rule that says you have to stand right at the very edge of the curb. In fact, when I'm waiting at a light, I generally stand about 2 yards from the curb. Why? Because it's my policy not to stand within inches of multi-ton piles of metal traveling at 50 mph.

Posted at 09:50 PM    

Announcement of new category



I would like to use this post as an opportunity to announce a new category: Posts about farts and farting.

Posted at 09:49 PM    

Tue - December 23, 2003

You call that a miracle?



I finally figured out what has always bothered me about Chanukah. Chanukah is the celebration of a particular miracle. In the year 165 BCE, there was a lamp that apparently only had enough oil in it to burn for 1 day. Instead, the lamp burned for 8 days.

I am willing, for the sake of argument, to accept that this occurred, and that it was, indeed, a miracle. But, you've got to admit that, as miracles go, it's not particularly exciting. Compare it, for example, to the parting of the Red Sea, or the destruction of much of creation with a flood. Hell, even the Burning Bush could talk.

I'll tell you what's a real miracle - that, in the last 2169 years, it has yet to happen again, that some oil burned a bit longer than predicted.

Posted at 09:48 PM    

Mon - December 22, 2003

My own song


I'd really like to have one of these cool nicknames that people have now, like J.Lo or A-Rod. But I can't think of one. When I think of one, I'll post it.

I'd also like to have my own song:

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce of the jungle
Watch out for that tree!

Posted at 09:47 PM    

Things I really wish everyone knew: Entry #2



Just because you have the right of way, that doesn't mean that you are in charge of the intersection.

This is something I really hate. I'm stopped at an intersection with a two-way stop, and I've got to wait, because there's a car coming. Then that car glides slowly to a stop, so that the driver can survey his domain. He looks around a bit, then gives me the signal to go. This is done as if it's some great favor to me.

I'll tell you what I now do when this happens. First, when they motion me to go, I just sit there for a moment. Then, I give them the signal to go. Usually I have to do this a few times, to overcome their royal graciousness. Then, the moment that they start, I hit my own gas pedal, so my car jumps forward just a bit. This makes me feel better.

It is morally acceptable for me to do this because I am a better person than they are.

Posted at 09:47 PM    

Sun - December 21, 2003

Humper the rabbit



I am not certain how to handle these holiday parenting challenges. Any advice appreciated. My daughter, Mia, got a stuffed rabbit as a present. She gave him the name "Humper," apparently because of his proficiency at jumping. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to dissuade her by proposing alternative suggestions. "If he's good at jumping, shouldn't his name be 'Jumper?'"

Here's another challenge, in a similar vein. Last night, we were driving to a holiday party. My wife, Miriam, reported that we were bringing a tin of peanuts as a present. Mia: "I thought only men have peanuts?" Miriam got this before I did. The conversation that followed was baroque, and did not result in satisfaction for any of the parties involved.

Posted at 09:46 PM    

Things I really wish that everyone knew: Entry #1



When your umbrella is open, it is wider than you are, and has pokie things at the end.

Posted at 09:45 PM    

Fri - December 19, 2003

Now in the public domain


I have many great ideas for TV shows. I keep a little journal, where I write these ideas down, in the hopes that I will someday have the opportunity to produce the shows, and make a lot of money. However, I have gradually come to the realization that it is unlikely that I will ever have time for this. I have therefore decided to place these ideas in the public domain. I expect no monetary compensation for myself. I would get satisfaction just from seeing my ideas made a reality.

This first idea is one that I have had for a while. The show is a new cartoon called "The Flintsteins." It's really a lot like The Flintstones, except that, in addition to being cavemen, all of the characters are Jewish.

Dramatis Personae
Fred Flintstein
Thelma Flintstein (Fred's wife)
Barney Reubel (Fred's neighbor and best friend.)
Etty Reubel (Barney's wife and Thelma's best fiend.)

Summary of first episode
Fred and Thelma move to the town of Hollystone, so that Fred can pursue an acting career. When they arrive they meet their new neighbors, Barney and Etty, who bring them a boiled chicken.

Fred auditions for a major part in a movie starring the actor Harvey Fierstone, of whom Fred is a great fan. But, through buffoonery, it is Barney that gets the role, while Fred is made his stunt double. A series of humiliations ensue.

All is resolved when Barney eats a pot roast intended for the entire cast and crew, and is asked to leave the film.

Posted at 09:43 PM    

Thu - December 18, 2003

The Fighting Maccabees




Two days ago, I read a story in the NY Times about the controversy surrounding Chief Illiniwek, the mascot of the University of Illinois. I decided that I just really didn't know how I felt. Sure, the guy looks stupid (see above), but should I care?

I decided to construct a thought experiment. You, the reader, are invited to follow along, and try the experiment yourself. Imagine that Columbia University decides to change its team nickname to "The Fighting Maccabees." On top of that, they create a new team mascot named "Rabbi Schlomo." The Rabbi Shlomo costume has a giant head that is a caricature of an orthodox jew; he wears a big black hat, a long beard, and those funky sideburns.

Fans come dressed to football games, in a black hat, coat, etc. They also have their own analog to the Tomahawk Chant. They rock back and forth, holding their programs like prayer books, and they mumble loudly, as if praying. This is particularly encouraged when the opposing team has the ball inside the 20 yard line.

Now we run the thought experiment. The question is, how would I feel if this really happened (given that I, myself, am a jew)? Would I feel insulted? Would I feel proud that my jewish heritage was being honored in this very prominent manner?

I originally thought that answering these questions would be tricky. But, once I actually ran the thought experiment, the answer was completely obvious: I would just think that these people were complete idiots. A giant Rabbi head? Man, that's just totally stupid. People dressed as orthodox jews in the stands? Don't they know how absurd they look to real jews?

Posted at 09:44 PM    

Wed - December 17, 2003

Waiting in line


You know how when you're waiting on a really, really long line. Like the ones at the airport ticket counter, that sometimes take more than an hour. And, over and over, as people get to the front of the line, they don't notice that it's their turn. How can that be? How can someone wait on a line for over an hour, and then fail to pay attention when it's finally their turn? The ticket agent will be yelling "next please!" And everyone else in line will be saying "excuse me, I think it's your turn." But somehow the person in the front of the line is completely oblivious. What law of human nature makes this possible?

Here's something else about waiting in line. At this very moment, I am going to make a solemn vow. My vow is this: I promise, that when my age exceeds 80 years, I will no longer go in the express lane at the supermarket. Now, I have the utmost respect for the elderly. They truly deserve our patience and love. But it's the express lane, for god's sake! If you can't cut it, you shouldn't be there!

Posted at 09:38 PM    

Reducing Stress



Part of the point of this whole weblog thing is to help me reduce my own stress level. That is why I am going to restrict myself to drivel. At no time will I discuss politics or technology (unless I have something drivelous to say).

As a first entry with real substance, I think I will share some of what I have learned in my efforts to reduce my own stress level. Here's a list of handy rules of thumb:

(1) STOP SCREWING UP!
(2) Concentrate on doing more things in less time.
(3) Remember, your family deserves your time too!!
(4) If you ever have a free moment, perhaps as you're waiting in line in the supermarket, or as you're falling asleep, think to yourself "what didn't I get done today that I should have gotten done?"

I recommend posting this list someplace prominent, perhaps over your desk, or on your bathroom mirror. Feel free to add your own exclamation points. Or change some text to caps, or add some underlines.

Posted at 09:37 PM    

Tue - December 16, 2003

Start of my weblog


I have decided to start a weblog. The basic theory is that this will consist pretty much entirely of drivel. We'll see how this goes, but I think I am up to the task.

Posted at 09:21 PM    

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