My birthday
Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to
me! Since it's my birthday, I feel that I should be able to indulge myself. So,
I've been trying to think, what sort of blog entry should I reward myself with?
I'm generally most amused by bathroom humor. But, looking back over recent
posts, it seems I don't need for it to be my birthday for me to partake of that
particular indulgence.
But,
ahah! I see that I've written nary a thing about belching. That's a bit hard to
believe, given how much I've got to say on the subject. So let's dig
in.
You know how, when you've
got a belch ready to go, it feels like there's some sort of spring that's
depressed. Then, when you're ready, you give that spring a nudge, and it shoots
the burp out. And, if you're trying to burp intentionally, then you push down
that spring. Is this really what's going
on?
If it is like a spring,
that raises some interesting possibilities. For example, it should be possible
to calculate the potential energy that is stored in the spring prior to the
belch, and hence to associate an energy value with the belch itself. Pretty
cool!
And here's something
really interesting to think about. Suppose we do associate an energy value with
each belch. There must have been, over all of human history, some belch that had
the highest energy value of all the belches ever. That must have been a real
monster. It would have really been something to have been there for that
one!
Posted at 11:42 PM
Pushing the limits of modern science
Some subjects seem to be off limits for
modern science. Take, for example, human feces. Little has been written about
the wondrous diversity that is the human turd. Here I seek, in a very modest
way, to remedy this situation. What I propose is a partial
taxonomy:
The Doodie: This is
the prototypical human turd. A stretched, somewhat pointy ovoid. Moderately
firm.
Turdolettes: Smallish,
approximately spherical balls, nearly always produced in quantity. Range from
firm to hard.
The Snake:
Extremely long and tubular in shape. When properly executed, coils up in bowl.
Ranges from soft to
moderate.
The Fat Bastard:
Similar in shape to the Doodie, but wider and much harder. Generally too large
to pass without discomfort. Ranges from hard to extremely
hard.
The Muffin: Extremely
rare.
The Corn Dog: Really a
variation on the Doodie. Has the Doodie shape, but with visible corn kernels
embedded like little gems. Moderately
firm.
Some more thoughts on
the shapes of turds: I have been pondering the question of why turds have their
characteristic tubular shape. Currently, I have two working hypotheses. The
first is the "Sausage Theory." According to this theory, turds get their tubular
shape because they are formed in the intestines, which are themselves long
tubes. When they are dropped, they retain this
shape.
My second hypothesis is
the "Fun Factory Theory." Here the analogy is to the Playdough Fun Factory, a
popular children's toy. According to this hypothesis, turds begin their lives as
more amorphous blobs. Then they get their tube shape when they are forced
through the anus.
Is either
of these theories correct? That is a question for modern
science!
Posted at 09:52 PM