Sun - October 16, 2005

2.) "...it's now or never..."



Hi! We're the new batch of pickled eggs that Dave is making. He's already finished eating the last batch he made. In fact, one night he ate so many pickled eggs that he had a vinegar-induced hangover the whole next day. Sometimes Dave's dumber than a goldfish. Seriously, if you put too much food in his bowl, he'll keep eating until his stomach explodes and he dies.




Hi! I'm Dave's very own bathroom. I'm one of the reasons that he likes his new apartment so much. I wish the feeling was mutual. Yesterday, I watched Dave drink a beer while he was taking a crap and reading a magazine. What the fuck, man. Have some class.




I'm Dave's right pant leg. I have a small tear in the knee. I guess it was bound to happen sometime and, really, it doesn't look so bad. Life is good, being Dave's right pant leg.




Hi. I'm Dave left pant leg. What the fuck, man? I look like I've been leg-humped by a cotton gin. Some of Dave's other pants have told me that all their left legs wear out like this. No one has any idea why.




Hi, it's me - Dave's left hand. I just...what the hell is everybody looking at me for?


Posted at 02:41 AM     Read More     |

Tue - April 26, 2005

1.) "It's my life..."



Hi, I'm Suzy. I'm Dave's motorcycle. Do you know why he named me "Suzy"? It's because I'm a Suzuki SV650. Isn't that creative? I think that's so creative. By the way, I'm being totally sarcastic right now. We motorcycles are usually very sarcastic.




Hi, I'm Herbert! I'm Dave's minivan! He named me "Herbert" because I look like a big, dorky guy. But I don't care! I love Dave!

I don't like Suzy, tho. She's so sarcastic.




Hi, I'm Dave's right hand. I'm the hand that Dave uses to punch the things that make him angry - things like sharp-cornered tables, and vending machines, and sometimes his own friends. I'm the bad hand.




Hi, I'm Dave's left hand. I'd like to say that I'm the "good" hand, but that'd be untrue. Since Dave's right-handed, I really don't do shit. I'm more like the "useless" hand. All of Dave's other body parts laugh at me. Even his appendix. Man, fuck that shit. Fuck the appendix.




Hi, I'm beer. I get in trouble a lot. Whenever I get in trouble, Dave comes to my rescue.

Posted at 01:12 AM     Read More     |

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