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Yes, I write my own material. |
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I grew up in Connecticut in the 70s. Very Ice Storm -- my parents were swingers... except my mom didn't know it.
I was hoping Obama would choose Hillary for his running mate. I mean, whoever the next president is, clearly the job is clean up. So who better than a woman and a black man?
I think "president" Bush is evidence that maybe some children should be left behind.
Seems like there's a car bombing in Iraq every day. I was a math major, but I can't even begin to calculate the cost... of car insurance in Baghdad.
I've always wanted to give birth -- to kittens. I figured it would hurt less, and then, when you're done, you'd have kittens. People have litters these days. Remember the McCaugheys? 7 baby McCaugheys. Seven! I wanted to drown them. Oh, not the babies. The parents. Because they were so self-righteous. They kept saying in the press, "God really wanted us to have these seven babies." No. God didn't want you to have any. That's why you were infertile. It was Pfizer wanted you to have those babies.
I'm getting an abortion. I don't need one, but I feel that as an American, I should exercise that right before it gets taken away.
Given the current Supreme Court line-up, I thought we needed some new legal strategies. Here's an idea that might appeal to Republicans: Fetal Eviction. They don't pay rent, they're eating our food, it's a drain on the whole system. It's as bad as welfare.
I had a pro-choice party. I told people to come dressed as the person they most think should've been aborted.
I couldn't go home for Passover this year. Because I had a yeast infection.
When I tell people I'm a comedian they often say, "Are you funny?" I say, "No. It's not that kind of COMEDY."
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