| Oil-Change Reverie | | Date Created: Jun 21, 2006, 11:11 AM |
So, I’ve definitely settled into a pattern of infrequent journal entries. I apologize. Even when I go for days without writing my brain is always going over what I would be writing if I were sitting in front of a computer. And now Will has granted me a great blog-inducing boon. He got me a laptop! So right now I am at the car dealership while my oil gets changed and instead of reading TV Guide (nice reading selection), watching Sports Center over and over, or watching people talk on their cell phones I am writing. Ahhhhhhh….
I’ve been very contemplative lately. Which is not necessarily a good thing. The Arbonne stuff has been great—that’s the health/wellness/skincare line I’ve been selling. Amazingly, having more to do has made me really take control of my time. I’ve had to be more aware of how I’m spending time and pay attention to organizing it instead of getting dressed whenever I felt like it, arranging babysitters when I needed to get out of the house, watching TV just because I might as well. I’ve loved having a reason to get organized and to shave my legs. I’ve loved using the products and feeling healthy. I’ve loved telling people about the products. I’ve loved the people I’ve met who are also doing the business. I love my business cards. I love when John says, “Ar-Bun! Ar-Bun!” I love the idea that I can generate some income. We’ve been looking at houses lately and it’s been a lot of fun. Will makes a great living, but it gets spread pretty thin between the five of us. A large pizza used to last us two meals—now the boys fight for the last piece. And the last pancake, drumstick, and banana. I love the idea of being able to have some part in getting us into a bigger house. Taking control of my own destiny, putting some dollars toward a yard for running and a room for reading.
But this week has been tough. I’m pretty good at not taking the specific rejections personally, but when a few of them happen in a row, it’s hard not to get discouraged in general. Will called me Willy Lohman the other day—not a good sign! Last night Will’s parents took the guys for supper and I suggested Will and I go to the driving range and hit some golf balls. I just wanted to do something totally different than what I usually do. Be in a different place. Breathe in some different air. We had a great time, but I wouldn’t say I’m a natural. And in my dangerously contemplative mood, I worried that I may have actually sabotaged myself by subconsciously picking even a leisure activity that I knew I would be “no good at.” As if I wanted to confirm to myself that I am a total loser. But maybe it’s not that I wanted to validate my feelings of failure, but that I was grasping at straws. Maybe golf! Maybe I can be good at golf! I’m continuously in search of what it is I should be doing. Where is my place? What is the answer? What is the question? I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I know I’m a decent mother and wife, and Lord knows that isn’t easy. But please tell me it isn’t IT. I know I know. I’m thinking too much. And this isn’t exactly virgin territory—these are the questions everyone asks. Hopefully, though, they get over it by the time they’re 21 or so.
I’m not quitting Arbonne . There’s a saying in the business, “ Don’t quit before payday.” So I’m keeping on going on. I truly believe in the products. I truly believe I can share this with other people and they will be better for it. I have challenged myself more than I could ever imagined. I used to dread ordering pizza, checking into hotels, calling my best friends. I just couldn’t handle the interaction, Too much anxiety. Too much opportunity to reveal my idiot self. Now I’m calling people I hardly know. Introducing myself to neighbors I used to run inside to avoid. Introducing parts of myself I didn’t know existed to myself. Wearing skirts. Smiling. Pushing myself. Going for it. Having fun.
When I’m staying home with the boys and that’s about it, I have no goals and no pressure—other than getting everyone fed and dressed by, say, the time Will gets home from work. This can be good. Plenty of time for TV and surfing the internet. But I miss school. Deadlines. Projects. People say Americans are too future-oriented and unable to enjoy each moment of each day for what it is, but what I’m finding is that when I had every moment, I wasn’t enjoying every moment. Without any demand on my time it sort of lost its value. And even though I may be focusing on personal business goals and deadlines with the Arbonne stuff, I’m enjoying the days and moments it takes to get there. There’s as much or more satisfaction for me in the process of reaching my goal as in reaching the goal itself. I’m descending into the dark world of self-help cliché, but I think what I mean is, I like working. And for now the best work I can do to reconnect with this need in me is Arbonne.
So the questions continue, the insecurities abound, the what-am-I-going-to-do-when-I-grow-up essay question haunts, but for now I’m having fun and learning about myself and enjoying my softer more luminous skin!
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