Total entries in this category: 60
Published On: Wed 03/05/03 07:52 PM
Wednesday - February 26, 2003
Hurt
It's mysterious stuff art. It really makes no sense that this:
"i hurt myself today to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain the only thing
that's real
the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become? my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all my empire of dirt
i will let you down i
will make you hurt
i wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair
full of broken
thoughts i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear
you are
someone else i am still right here
what have i become? my sweetest
friend
everyone i know goes away in the end
and you could have it all my empire of
dirt
i will let you down i will make you hurt
if i could start again a million
miles away
i would keep myself i would find a way"
should resonant with me, but it does. The line, "What have i become? my sweeatest
friend, everyone i know goes away in the end" bares very little relation to anything in my
life, but it makes my hair stand on end. Literally. Perhaps it's a message from myself.
The question is, what am i trying to tell me? I've had to internalise a lot of
contradictions recently. Without doubt, not healthy.
"What have i become?"
As masumi told me recently, i'm like a confused teenager. Next week / next month /
next year, i'll be having a nervous breakdown. Something to look forward to.
Cash hurt and the nails of faith
I had low expectations when i heard that Johnny Cash was going to be releasing a
cover of a nine inch nails song. Now i've seen the video i'd have to say i was
wrong. My opinion of Trent Reznors song writing / lyrics has never been that high, but i
guess it's more the delivery rather than the content. That and a little guilt by
association. The video is a nice segue into the next little topic...
Jennifer
called me this morning before i'd left to go to the office. While we were chatting a
christianity peddler (can you 'sell' faith?) came to the door. Of course, masumi nailed
her to a cross before sending her on her way. We then proceeded to have a nice long
discussion about how convenient it would be to have a stash of crosses by the door to nail
up passing christians, and little pocket-sized crosses, with teenie-weenie nails and tiny
little hammer... well, you get the idea. The slogan on the t-shirt to be worn whilst doing
the nailing reads, "What goes around, comes around!"
Cheered me up no end; good
christian / dead christian.
Tired, so tired
I had so many things to say today. Stuff about the seasons changing; about going to Maui
for Jun's wedding; about strip clubs and marathons; about the Gore Vidal essays; about
Jesus; about middle aged men reading transformers... not comics, magazines on the train;
about comb overs... It was going to be wild.
Instead, nothing. Sleep.
Sunday - February 16, 2003
Blind
I've had this song playing in my head all day.
And some people live their lives, with a
violence that's pure and clean
But I saw a man cry once, down on his knees
In the
corner of a darkened cell, and his pain meant nothing to me
But I was younger then, and
young men never die
When I walked out in the sun, I was strong, clear minded,
and
blind
And please don't ask me a question, you'll just be misurderstood
And if
you could step inside me, you'd feel what hatred brings
And if you could see with my
eyes, you'd see what self-deception means
I was younger once, and I created a
lie
And though my body was strong, I was self-deluded, confident,
and
blind
Now show some pity, for the weak of will
Because when we're drinking, we
can never be filled
And show some undentanding, for the lonely fool
Because when l'm
drinking, l'm out of control
No I was never young, and nothing has transpired
And
when I look in the mirror, I feel dead, I feel cold,
I am blind.
Fragments keep playing, over and over. It was only when i looked up the lyrics
that i realized that i'd been mixing in verses from other songs...
Saturday - February 15, 2003
The men i killed
The first Orwell book is turning out to be very apropos. What i'm
reading right now was written in the mid-thirties, 1937 to be precise. He had returned
from fighting in the Spanish civil war, after being shot in the throat. The bullet passed
right through his neck missing both the cartoid artery and his spine but severing one
vocal cord.
It wasn't Orwell that said that those who fail to learn from history
are doomed to repeat it's mistakes. However, he did say this:
"The two facts which even now are not very widely grasped, and which should be made the
centre of all anti-war agitation, are:
1. That war against a foreign country only
happens when the moneyed classes think they are going to profit from it.
2. That every
war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of
self-defence against a homicidal maniac ("militarist" Germany in 1914, "Fascist" Germany
next year or the year after)."
That's from a review of, "The Men I Killed" by Brigadier-General F. P. Crozier,
CB, CMG, DSO, and was published in New Statesman and Nation, 28th August 1937. He even
predicted the year that England would enter the war...
Tuesday - February 11, 2003
Pruneboy
Back from the onsen trip. It was good. Onsening is always exhausting, but at the same
time, relaxing. Gunma is wild. We saw monkeys sitting by the side of the road. Never seen
wild monkeys before. Ate fugu for the first time (i think) and have lived to tell the tale
(i think.)
Made a couple of hundred pages of progress on the first Orwell book. The
last thing i read on the train was his diary / notes for the road to wigan pier. The parts
about going down the coal pits are intense. The thought of walking for two miles or more,
in tunnels that aren't even tall enough to stand in. Makes my head spin. Hard to
imagine.
This was all written during the mid 1930's. Around that time, and during
the war, my grandfather was working as a mine rescue worker. When a tunnel would collapse
he would be sent down the shaft to dig out the survivors. Thinking about it, it's amazing
that he lived to tell the tale. It would have been good to have asked him what it was
like. He died while i was still living in london, over ten years ago.
Sunday - February 09, 2003
Surgery on a baby shrew
I bought a new disk for my powerbook on saturday. The new drive is 40 Gigs and amazingly
tiny. Also got a firewire enclosure for the current drive.
Taking apart a powerbook
is not for the faint of heart. The design is incredibly dense, when you take the back off
and the battery out, the hole left by the battery looks immense. After wrestling with the
wrong screw driver for a few minutes, eventually the current drive came out. Putting in
the new drive isn't so hard, esp. if you have fingers like needles and no pulse. It took a
while.
Anyway, now it all works again. Took some effort. The first install of OS X
wouldn't convert the hiragana of sushi to kanji - it just hung. Other kanji were fine! The
second install seems fine. Truly weird.
Firewire is pretty cool. The enclosure came
with a power adaptor so, i presumed that it had to be plugged in. It doesn't it'll run off
the power on the bus. It would be cool to install Linux on that disk but it looks like
none of the distros support booting from firewire yet. Until that happens i have a spare
disk to backup on to.
Grrr
Have to stop writing two entries at a time. Never seems to get uploaded...
It'll all end in tears EntryLink Email CommentsFriday - February 07, 2003
Ring a ring of roses
Huh, didn't get ill after all. After eleven hours of sleep, i felt a lot better this
morning.
Guess i must have been pushing the old boat out a little too far recently.
"The strength of my body is the strength of my mind", must have been a lie. How
disappointing.
Bozons
Been meaning to post this for a while. It makes me titter.
Back when i wrong this
entry, John told me about another fundamental particle that a friend of ours, Scott, calls
the 'bozon'. It's unusual particle; it has a big red nose and large feet.
I was
intrigued and we asked Scott what force bozons mediated.
Here is his answer, "
Bozons are an exchange particle, like gravitons, which are associated with the
mocking/embarrassment reaction, and therefore exert intense humiliation fields. Seltzer
water has a very high Bozon density. So do cream pies
"
Links
I've finally worked out how to add links to that sidebar over there <---. Of course, it wasn't difficult but that didn't mean i got round to working it out at any point in the last few months...
It'll all end in tears EntryLink Email CommentsPlague
As in, i feel like i might be coming down with the flu that is plaguing kanto. They've
even gone as far as closing down a bunch of schools because so many kids are ill.
I'm meant to be taking monday off to go to an Onsen in Gunma. Instead i'll
probably end up lying on the sofa shivering, with the relentless waves of cooking shows
washing over me.
What is going on? I hadn't even had a cold for years and then
suddenly the curse of gude descends upon my household...
Sunday - February 02, 2003
After many a summer...
Dies the Swan, was good. The more Huxley i read the more i want out. "Out of what?", i
hear you ask. Out of it. Altogether now, "Against the modern world!"
I've been
worrying for months about finally having to crack open the Orwell letters and yet there
always seems to be something left in the bottom of the barrel. This time a book on bullfighting. I'd
started reading it before (apparently while in California; the bookmark was a receipt from
pho saigon in Saratoga) but got distracted -
probably by travelling. It's a good read, a little blood thirsty but no where near as bad
as my last encounter with such
subject matter.
Also in the barrel, right down at the bottom, is Glamorama. The Orwell
letters look inviting compared to that. I'd rather chew off my own leg. Ah, to be that
flexible...
So, that was my weekend. It was cold, i was tired. What?!
Wednesday - January 29, 2003
Just in case you were wondering...
Yes, entries have been getting a little wierd recently. Just put it down to lack of sleep
and general disgust with the modern world.
That is so much funnier than many of
you will ever know. Tee hee.
After many a summer...
I was contemplating writing about the Francis Parker Yockey biography but i don't really
have that much to say about it. After reading it there are a whole bunch of dubious
sounding books on my reading list. It has made the rantings of certain individuals make a lot more "sense" but has
reinforced how the message is,
in essence, unoriginal. Evola
and Spengler
sound genuinely interesting but actually reading them is probably going to be a challenge.
A
whole slew of cliches about history and repeating things spring to mind after reading this
stuff but i'll refrain from further drawing your attention to the obvious...
After
some serious searching i've found another novel to put off the inevitable Orwell letters.
Another Huxley
effort that i'd stockpiled. I was doing rather well until today sleep deprivation deprived
me of the will to live. What I've read thus far has been amusing. Well, amusing in a
cynical, hollywood in the nineteen fifties, sort of way.
What this blog needs is a
'books' section so that you can ignore all this crap.
Thank the maker
Allergic to English?
More farcical american conscious wrestling
What would Beckham drive?
Bohr not Planck
Supersymmetry and the God Particle
Hokuriku sushi
Here we go again...
Un-smooth
Clippers
New Year
Readings
Nothing much
Nothing much