I'm feeling blatantly honest tonight. Everyone
wants the people around them to be more honest, yes? And I find I can no longer
live with the thought that any of you might believe The Kitchen of the Troll to
be a well-ordered place, sparkling clean and totally organized. It just doesn't
work that way.
Today I decided to make
fudge. After finding a recipe online, I immediately began thinking of ways I
could change it and make it my own. Yep, that's the first honest bit. I don't
even make things the right way once before I start messing with them.. So,
Chocolate Snow Swirl Fudge, along with other more minor alterations, suddenly
changes into Chocolate/Butterscotch Snow Swirl Fudge. Maybe. I'm still not
sure about the swirly action.
Comments
and thought processes are in italics. Recipe bits are in normal font.
1 can (14 ounces) Eagle Brand
Sweetened Condensed Fat Free milk (don't confuse this with evaporated milk. Not
the same thing at all.) 1.5 cups semi-sweet
chocolate chunks 1.5 cups butterscotch chips
(Oh gods. How I loves me the
butterscotch
chips). 4
tablespoons (one half a stick) butter,
halfed. 1.5 teaspoons vanilla extract
(I hate using straight vanilla extract.
I should put some almond extract in there for nutty flavor... oh wait,
nevermind, because the next ingredient is...) 1 cup nuts, chopped
(Hmm.. I have walnuts, almonds and
coconut. Ixnay on the oconutcay; I might make macaroons later. Almonds are...
nahh. Walnuts it is.) Dash of salt
(Obviously, this came from the original
recipe. I don't even know what a dash is. Is it more than a pinch? Less than
a half-teaspoon? Ugh. I hate cooking with
salt.) 1
jar marshmallow creme
Line one 8X8 pan
with waxed paper.
What a
great idea! Hey, waxed paper doesn't bend! What the hel are they talking
about? Good thing these disposable aluminum pans come in packs of three. I can
put the waxed paper in one, and then use the other two to squish the paper down
in, and maybe it will stay. Oh great. All my fudge is going to be stamped with
the Hefty logo.
Place condensed
milk, 2 tablespoons butter, chocolate and butterscotch, vanilla, and dash of
salt into large saucepan. Place on low to medium
heat
Oh gods. Why oh why
must you torture me with the butterscotch? Hmmm... if I skimp a little there
will be a few chips left for
me.
OK. Which measuring
spoon is this... Ow! Banged my head on the cabinet door I left open while I was
getting out the vanilla, which is going to be measured out in a... why do they
make the writing so small? a .5 teaspoon measuring
spoon!
Wait, are the
walnuts I bought chopped? Nope. Argh. OK. I haven't turned on the heat yet.
I'll just let the butter, condensed milk, good stuff, and that damn dash get to
know each while I chop the nuts. Hmm... I didn't wash the lid on the chopper.
OK... there. Clean! Really!
Wow. These walnuts
look like Grape-nuts. Maybe I went overboard with the chopping. Oh, hel.
Nuts. Am I going to have to put little stickers on each piece of fudge saying
"Warning! Made with nuts!" Is everything else I ever cook going to have to say
"Made in the same kitchen as things with nuts." Hmm... that's a bit
perverse.
And stir until everything
is melted together.
Why oh
why did I put my big saucepan on the itty bitty burner? It's too late now; I've
already heated it up. Wow. That's pretty thick. Why is it those last little
clumps of butter never melt away into the main body of goo? Stir stir
stir...
Remove from heat and add
nuts. Immediately pour into wax paper-lined 8X8
pan.
Heat marshmallow creme and
remaining butter in small
saucepan
Heh. Luckily I did
plan in advance. Me so smart! I've already got the marshmallow creme and the
remaining butter in the little saucepan waiting to be heated. I'll just place
it on the warm burner as I take off the fudgy bit... ok. This one actually fits
the burner.
This fudge
is already starting to congeal as I'm pouring it into the wax paper-lined pan.
That trick with the other pans almost worked, too. Wow, a spatula instead of a
spoon sure would have been
smart....
Hmm.. there
seems to be something wrong with my marshmallow creme. (Is it creme or cream?
It's not really cream like what you get form a cow, but it's not creme like
creme de menthe, either. Would it be betraying my heritage and family line to
call it marshmallow fluff? Probably so. What it is is sticky and gross.) Is
that caramel I smell? Blargh. It burnt on the bottom. Oh well. I just wont
stir too hard and maybe it will stay stuck to the bottom. If not then the snow
on my fudge just may look like real snow... dirty and slightly yellow.
Dammit! I dropped the
marshmallow creme spoon. I just hope I don't step in that big sticky spot. I
know. I have this plastic knife I was using to scrape the marshmallow creme
jar. I'll just use it to
stir.
When melted and combined,
pour over top of fudge. Using a table knife, swirl layers
together.
Table knife? I
just used my last plastic knife! I'm not a real silverware kind of person... oh
wait, I do have that steak knife in the drawer. Eww! What was that... oh yeah,
the marshmallow creme splatter on the floor.
OK
I can feel myself
poking holes in my carefully-laid wax paper as I try to stir the layers
together. The fudge is almost totally congealed; I don't know what this is
going to look like.
Place fudge in
refrigerator. When completely chilled, turn onto cutting board and cut into
squares. Store in
refrigerator.
There you have
it, folks! The truth about what happens in the troll's kitchen. Now if you'll
excuse me, I have marshmallow creme in my hair and on my foot. Chow! Pictures
later, and they'll be just as honest as always.