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Published On: Apr 07, 2007 10:57 AM
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Published On: Apr 07, 2007 10:57 AM
Holes in the World
Every day at work, I pass messages about
illnesses and deaths. It's part of the job. Most of the time, I'm not
invested. I read them the same way many of you read the obituaries of people
you don't know -- detached. I deliver them to a command element, who notifies
the individual, and my own layer of separation is secured. It's a coping
mechanism.
Sometimes, though, that layer is ripped away, and I feel as if a treasured friend has been lost. I remember, in that moment, how the message recipient will be affected by it, and my heart breaks for them.
I was late heading home. Some last minute work had popped up; a minor message update had to be passed along. While I was on the phone for that one, my other phone rang -- "We just sent you a life-threatening message." I refrained from saying "Wait! I was supposed to leave 15 minutes ago!" It doesn't work like that.
The case was horrible. The guy's teenaged son was dying, with less than 24 hours to live. And the address provided was incomplete. I called frantically all over the place, and finally got the right location. They had to usher the guy out of the room twice while I was passing the message, and while they were waiting for the chaplain to arrive. I got a little choked up as I delivered the life expectancy part.
I went to the gym -- off-schedule; I'd just been the night before. I needed to sweat this message out of my system. I hopped on the elliptical machine, and tried to sweat out the ghosts.
I found myself thinking about holes. When this kid dies, he's not just leaving one hole in the world. It's a series of holes, like a piece of paper folded up to be cut into a snowflake. That one death will cause holes in all the lives around him. I closed my eyes, and imagined the world with all those holes, caused by him, and every single other death or loss. Compare it to ripples if you prefer -- one fallen rock causes shockwaves throughout the pond.
How do we survive all this? We all have holes in our lives, and yet we move on, until ultimately we ourselves become the hole in the lives of others.
Well, I felt better, anyway. After the sweating and the shower.
If anybody has an answer, though, put it out there for the rest of us, who have to deal with other people's holes as well as our own.
Sometimes, though, that layer is ripped away, and I feel as if a treasured friend has been lost. I remember, in that moment, how the message recipient will be affected by it, and my heart breaks for them.
I was late heading home. Some last minute work had popped up; a minor message update had to be passed along. While I was on the phone for that one, my other phone rang -- "We just sent you a life-threatening message." I refrained from saying "Wait! I was supposed to leave 15 minutes ago!" It doesn't work like that.
The case was horrible. The guy's teenaged son was dying, with less than 24 hours to live. And the address provided was incomplete. I called frantically all over the place, and finally got the right location. They had to usher the guy out of the room twice while I was passing the message, and while they were waiting for the chaplain to arrive. I got a little choked up as I delivered the life expectancy part.
I went to the gym -- off-schedule; I'd just been the night before. I needed to sweat this message out of my system. I hopped on the elliptical machine, and tried to sweat out the ghosts.
I found myself thinking about holes. When this kid dies, he's not just leaving one hole in the world. It's a series of holes, like a piece of paper folded up to be cut into a snowflake. That one death will cause holes in all the lives around him. I closed my eyes, and imagined the world with all those holes, caused by him, and every single other death or loss. Compare it to ripples if you prefer -- one fallen rock causes shockwaves throughout the pond.
How do we survive all this? We all have holes in our lives, and yet we move on, until ultimately we ourselves become the hole in the lives of others.
Well, I felt better, anyway. After the sweating and the shower.
If anybody has an answer, though, put it out there for the rest of us, who have to deal with other people's holes as well as our own.
Posted: Sun - April 1, 2007 at 10:00 PM |
