Quick Links
Categories
Calendar
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
XML/RSS Feed
Other Heathen Blogs and Journals
Caryatid's LiveJournal
Boars Heart's LiveJournal
Orn Ransom's LiveJournal
Thorolf's LiveJournal
Falki's LiveJournal
MacRaven
Seledréam
Vanatru's LiveJournal
Expanding Inward
Boars Heart's LiveJournal
Orn Ransom's LiveJournal
Thorolf's LiveJournal
Falki's LiveJournal
MacRaven
Seledréam
Vanatru's LiveJournal
Expanding Inward
Links of Heathen Interest
Other (non-heathen) Blogs
Subscribe
 |
 |
Technorati
Blog Value
My blog is worth $1,693.62.
How much is your blog worth?
Statistics
Total entries in this blog:
Total entries in this category:
Published On: Apr 26, 2006 10:02 PM
Total entries in this category:
Published On: Apr 26, 2006 10:02 PM
Who took my self control?
Over the past week or so, I've finally started
getting my crabby, bitchy, pissy-ass self back under
control.
When I was a kid, I would have literal blind rages. There are blank moments in my childhood. Short periods of time, I'm sure, but the overwhelming theme when I returned to myself was blood. Somebody bleeding. Usually over stupid shit as well. Total lack of control. The last time this happened was my freshman year in college. I got pissed over something as I was leaving a dormitory building. I understand I punched a concrete pillar. All I remember is a sudden pain in my knuckles. That was the last time for many years I lost control.
How did I ever let myself get out of control again? Well... Two months ago I quit smoking. I've always said before that during a deployment is a bad time to quit smoking, but I was doing fine. Then I realized that one of the best parts of quitting smoking is that people EXPECT you to be crabby. If you're not, they assume you're cheating. It sounded nice -- let it all out, not keeping things boiling inside. So I went with it.
Damn, I think I must have gotten angry about every single thing in the world. It wasn't relaxing, but it just kept going. I'd get mad if a car had its headlights on at night. I really did. It was very inconsiderate of them to drive at night since they were ruining the night vision of pedestrians. You don't know how close I came to ripping flashlights out of the hands of people inconsiderate enough to raise the beam so that it wasn't pointing at the ground anymore. I got mad about midnight chow, angry about work, pissed about people. I wasn't consciously choosing to get angry about these things, but once the barrier was broken down, it just happened.
That bit about letting it out? Nope. I just couldn't do it. So all this crabbiness was just eating away at me inside, looking for an outlet. I didn't actually have a "blind rage," that would have almost been welcome. It seems I couldn't let myself lose that little bit of control.
Finally, I stopped. I realized what I had unconsciously done and made a conscious decision not to get pissed over every little thing. I regained what I was afraid I had lost forever -- my self-control.
This was a week ago. Now I'm left with what I have to think of as "righteous anger." To me, righteous anger is what happens when one has a legitimate reason to be mad. This was most likely what I was shooting for before, but went right past. I'm on a more even keel now, but I do get angry when, for example, I feel repeatedly betrayed or insulted. Nothing wrong with that; it's a matter of pride of self.
That's where I am now, and it's a good place to be, I think.
When I was a kid, I would have literal blind rages. There are blank moments in my childhood. Short periods of time, I'm sure, but the overwhelming theme when I returned to myself was blood. Somebody bleeding. Usually over stupid shit as well. Total lack of control. The last time this happened was my freshman year in college. I got pissed over something as I was leaving a dormitory building. I understand I punched a concrete pillar. All I remember is a sudden pain in my knuckles. That was the last time for many years I lost control.
How did I ever let myself get out of control again? Well... Two months ago I quit smoking. I've always said before that during a deployment is a bad time to quit smoking, but I was doing fine. Then I realized that one of the best parts of quitting smoking is that people EXPECT you to be crabby. If you're not, they assume you're cheating. It sounded nice -- let it all out, not keeping things boiling inside. So I went with it.
Damn, I think I must have gotten angry about every single thing in the world. It wasn't relaxing, but it just kept going. I'd get mad if a car had its headlights on at night. I really did. It was very inconsiderate of them to drive at night since they were ruining the night vision of pedestrians. You don't know how close I came to ripping flashlights out of the hands of people inconsiderate enough to raise the beam so that it wasn't pointing at the ground anymore. I got mad about midnight chow, angry about work, pissed about people. I wasn't consciously choosing to get angry about these things, but once the barrier was broken down, it just happened.
That bit about letting it out? Nope. I just couldn't do it. So all this crabbiness was just eating away at me inside, looking for an outlet. I didn't actually have a "blind rage," that would have almost been welcome. It seems I couldn't let myself lose that little bit of control.
Finally, I stopped. I realized what I had unconsciously done and made a conscious decision not to get pissed over every little thing. I regained what I was afraid I had lost forever -- my self-control.
This was a week ago. Now I'm left with what I have to think of as "righteous anger." To me, righteous anger is what happens when one has a legitimate reason to be mad. This was most likely what I was shooting for before, but went right past. I'm on a more even keel now, but I do get angry when, for example, I feel repeatedly betrayed or insulted. Nothing wrong with that; it's a matter of pride of self.
That's where I am now, and it's a good place to be, I think.
Posted: Tue - March 9, 2004 at 03:26 PM