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We shall overcome some day (continued) |
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(Continued from December 11)
I got a very helpful note from Walt Bouman, a portion of which I excerpt. He referred to Juergen Moltmann, a German reformed theologian, who says that he does not think of death as a sleep (as did Luther) but rather, in keeping with Calvin, as a "wakefulness of the soul" which allows for one to "perceive" itself as it was intended to be. As Walt said, "I think this means that none of us are locked into grief or pain or impariment. Just as I believe that forgiveness does not mean forgetting, but remembering that which is being overcome, so I do not think that we forget our grief and pain, but remember it as that which is being overcome. Christ points Thomas to the wounds in his hands and feet and side. The terrible agony of the cross is not forgotten. It is being overcome in the resurrection...The scars will not be gone, but Jesus will not let them take our joy from us. I believe that the God who raised Jesus from the dead can and does make life out of death, wholeness out of brokenness, joy out of sorrow, healing out of pain, peace out of enmity, love out of hate, goodness out of evil."
It helps to think of Jesus alive again, but with the scars. And it helps to think of overcoming. This tragedy did happen. I am not yet convinced that I will ever overcome my grief on this side of the evermore, but by God's grace I will someday. And that the pain will be remembered not with resentment, or anger, or hatred, but rather resolution--well, this is what I am hoping and praying for.
And so this is why I have not written. I have needed time to reflect. People, I cry everyday, and sometimes I hold Karl and cry so deeply, and he looks at me with these big eyes and knows that Mama is sad. And I hold Karl when he cries too, as he does every night when he falls asleep. Tonight, for example, he cried as he startled in his bed, and finally, through his screams, I said, "Karl, Karl, are you scared?" "Da," he said. "Why, sweet baby boy?" "Pa," said he.
But I am convinced that one day Papa will comfort us all again, scars intact and yet all of us sharing unmitigated joy.
Before I close, I should say that Karl is doing new things: wanting to stand and take steps on his own (and doing so with assistance), holding himself up much straighter, improving response time, trying new sounds, matching shapes on a computer program, trying to sing, and making funny faces. Else is about to be enrolled in Mensa, by the way. She can already at 14 months say, "cracker," "bye," "hat,""boom," "thank-you," and "there you go" (alright, the last two are approximations, but we know that's what she means). She is so wonderful. I wish you could all meet her. I can not imagine how so much personality is wrapped up in such a small package!
Please keep us all in your prayers, as I know you do.
God is good.
Peace,
Anna
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