My Favorite Farming Jokes

HUNDRED DOLLAR VACATION
APPLES/PIGS
FARM/DREAM
FROG/KISS
MINE/GOAT
NO-BULL PRIZE
BULL/TURKEY
THE BIGGEST JOKE EVER!
NON-FARM BUT AMUSING
R-RATED/PEACHES
THE ACCIDENT
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1. The Hundred Dollar Vacation

One REALLY stupid guy reads an add about a vacation cruise that costs only $100. After he signs up and pays, the travel agent HITS him with a bat, KNOCKS him unconscious and THROWS him out the backdoor into the river. Soon a dairy farmer comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment. Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the REALLY stupid guy says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise." I don't know," the dairy farmer replies. "They didn't last year."
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2. APPLES and PIGS

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting one of his pigs up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. The farmer repeated this with a second, then a third pig. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time? "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

3. FARM/DREAM

The School of Agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in dairy farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in dairy farming?" echoed the impressed dean. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

4. FROG/KISS

An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said,"Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked,"Didn't you hear what I said ?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

5. MINE/GOAT

Two fellows came upon a mine shaft out in the hills. "How deep do you think it is?" asked one. "Gosh, I don't know," answered his pal. "Let's drop a stone in and listen for it to hit bottom." They did so and waited, but there was no sound. They found a larger rock and threw it in. Still nothing. A short distance away they spotted an old railroad tie. Each lifted an end, and with great difficulty they dropped it in. Still no sound! As they waited, a goat ran right between them and jumped into the hole.
They were standing there scratching their heads when a farmer came along and asked, "Have you seen a goat?"
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact," replied the first guy. "We just had a goat run past us and jump into that hole!"
"Oh, it couldn't have been my goat," said the farmer. "Mine was tied to a railroad tie."

6. NO-BULL PRIZE

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

7. BULL/TURKEY

 A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to 
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy.  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree.  Soon the turkey was spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.
 Management Lesson:
 Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

8. Biggest Joke Ever!

The Price of Milk!

9. NON-FARM BUT AMUSING

"THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T".

1.  Ahh....I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
2.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.  How about never?  Is never good for you?
4.  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.  I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me!!!!!
6.  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.  I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message......
8.  I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
10.  I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
11.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
12.  I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
13.  I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
14.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
15.  Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
16.  The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
17.  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
18.  What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!!!
19.  I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
20.  It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
21.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
22.  And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be......?
23.  Do I look like a people person?
24.  This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25.   I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26.  Sarcasm is jut one more service we offer.
27.   If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28.   Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
29.   Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30.   I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31.   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32.   Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33.   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34.   Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
35.   Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
36.   How do I set a laser printer to stun?

R-RATED/PEACHES


The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops 
had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really 
well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to 
cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. 
 So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed 
to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. 
So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on 
the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. 
In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" 
 Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here 
really nice peaches for sale." 
 The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. 
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. 
She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" 
 Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really 
good peaches." 
 She fully opened her robe and all she had on was her birthday suit. 
She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" 
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, 
"Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." 
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" 
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my 
tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I 
think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

THE ACCIDENT

How are you feeling?

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were 
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible 
for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's 
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" 
asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. 
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
 "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, 
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
 Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into 
the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying 
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, 
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he 
was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
 By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer 
Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear 
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, 
I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer 
and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck 
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
 He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was 
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. 
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
 "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the 
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over
to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her 
between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with 
his gun in his hand and looked at me."
 Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. 
"The patrolman looked at me and said,
'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. 
How are YOU feeling'?"