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I blame that Parsons. A couple of weeks ago he was contacted by this quiz show called "Eggheads" and asked if he could rustle up a team and the fool said yes. I got an email from him shortly after saying did I want to be in it so I suppose to a degree it is my fault as well. I should have just said no. I should have pointed out that the sporting of a moustache is a poor qualification to enter a quiz at the best of times. A minimal amount of research would have brought up some interesting information on our opponents:

Kevin Ashman is the question-setter and arbiter on the Radio 4 quiz show Brain of Britain. In 1995 he won Mastermind, and his first-round score of 41, with 0 passes, remains a record to this day.

Judith Keppel was the first person to win a million pounds on who wants to be a millionaire.

Daphne Fowler is, apparently, Britain's best known female quiz contestant. She has won numerous game shows on TV and radio, including Brain of Britain, going for gold and Fifteen-to-One, where she scored 432 out of 433.

Christopher Hughes was the series champion of Brain of britain and Mastermind and, answering every single question correctly on the weakest link, got voted off in the third round for being a smart arse.

Well no cause for alarm there then! I met up with the despicable Parsons in a pub round the corner for a spot of Dutch courage and, although we were still early, when we arrived at the ‘studio’ the rest of the team: Rodders, Mike Solomons, Albert and William had got there ahead of us. There was another ‘try out’ team there as well called 'Civil Disturbance' who were apparently a bunch of civil servants although most of them looked somewhat familiar and we rather suspect that they had a few ringers in there.

I was somewhat put at ease by the fact that the ‘production crew’ were totally inefficient and clearly had not got the faintest idea what they were doing. We were being filmed with a minicam held together with bluetac in an office that was way too small for the purpose and we kept having to change seats. There was glare on the TV and they had not thought to remove it, one of the minions had left my passport in the photocopier, the question master could not pronounce half of the questions and frankly there was no one in charge that seemed remotely capable of organising a piss up in a brewery. Had we been efficiently processed, bar-coded, herded to a practise studio and dealt with a modicum of efficiently, as I expected, I am sure I would have been far less relaxed about the whole thing.

The format of the game was that each member of the team was singled out to answer questions on one of a number of categories, the catch was that we did not know what they were going to be until we got them. The looser of the category gets banished and the winner stays put to answer group questions where the group is allowed to confer. The first one was art and culture or somesuch and Albert, kicking and screaming, was forced to the fore. He got one of his questions wrong so it was one nil to Civil Disorder. Next was food. Rodders was put forward for that category based largely, if not entirely, on the size of his stomach. Again he got one question wrong and it was two nil Civil Disorder. I think the next question was science. Both the despicable Parsons and I both wanted that one and to his credit our leader let me have it. I got a question about monkeys wrong and it was three nil to Civil Disorder and a whitewash was well on the cards. I can’t remember what William’s category was but he (having known all the answers to everyone else’s questions) got one wrong as well, four nil to Civil disorder and it was looking like the egg was going to be far more on our faces than our heads. There were two categories left. The despicable Parsons bravely took geography but again got one wrong. Five nil to Civil disorder and no pressure whatsoever on Solomons, who ended up with politics and to everyone’s great pleasure he got all three of his questions right and salvaged a smidgeon of club honour. The second round only those that had won their heats were allowed to compete so it was five Civil Disorderists against one Solomons on the subject of general knowledge. He put up a valiant struggle but eventually was undone by one of Henry the eight’s six wives (though clearly not in the biblical sense of the term)

That was that then, a complete drubbing. However this was just an audition, the winning team might have known more than us but could not muster so much as a goatee amongst them. The staff at 12 yard productions were clearly more interested in us than the actual winners and I have a horrible feeling in my water that we are going to be called for a proper shoot where we will be given the opportunity to look like a bunch of arses on national television. I hope I am wrong but if you can’t trust your own water, then who’s water can you trust?

I am sad to announce the death of a 'Friend' of the Handlebar Club, my Godgranny (my God father's mother) Barbara Rickards on Friday 16th June, aged 96. She died peacefully in a nursing home in Herefordshire. Her son, who lives in New Zealand, had spent the last month of her life with his mother.

Those who attended the AGM in Tonbridge may remember her. Those who did not know her may realise what sort of character she was when I tell you that at the age of 88 she bought a computer and took lessons and at 90 went hot air ballooning, then had to have a skin transplant on her leg after gashing it getting out of her grandson's powerboat!

Carolyn, Geoff and I attended a service recently to celebrate her life - she was not the sort of person who wanted anyone to mourn - a lovely lady who will be sadly missed by anyone who had the fortune to know her.

Charming Visitor from California

Julie Muscato from California, a friend of our Club Secretary Steve Parsons, was in London for just one day and so happened to coincide with our May 'first Friday' meeting at the Windsor Castle. Full of excitement, she came along and met up with a few of our Handlebar members for a very enjoyable and memorable evening.

On September the 1st 2007, the Handlebar Club will be hosting the World Beard & Moustache Championships in Brighton, East Sussex. An Organization Committee has been formed and now consists of Michael Attree (Atters), Albert Tang, Rod Littlewood and William Brown. HBC Friend Geoff Pye has also kindly offered his services as Project Co-ordinator. We have booked the prestigious Brighton Centre (which also hosts Labour’s Annual Party Conference) for the award ceremony and we are working closely with the local Tourist Board. Not only do we need to raise sponsorship to host this biannual event but we also wish to raise money for various charities. Our main charity will be the Sussex based Rockinghorse Appeal. They are a sterling organization who strive to provided under funded children’s hospitals with medical equipment and facilities.

For the computer literate amongst us, our official WBMC 2007 website is: http://www.handlebarclub.co.uk/wbmc.html

Any enquiries please contact either myself, Michael Attree (mobile: 07855 062033) or Rod Littlewood (mobile: 07860 536080).

Atters

This month witnessed our traditional battle of aerodynamics, mathematics and dexterity against The Pipe Club of London - and all in the name of social conviviality and nicotine stained thumbs. I of course refer to our annual darts match. Tradition was maintained in that our old friends whipped us once again (2-1). As usual, the coveted Heineken Trophy remains snugly nestled within its now familiar PCL shoe box. I am pleased to report that this years raffle money goes to the RSPCA (as desired by the match winners). On a rather sad note, it seems highly likely that our annual match may now be at an end. Tony Blair’s “nanny goat state” (my own opinion of course and not necessarily that of the our Clubs) dictates that next years charitable and friendly pipe and moustache gathering will be classed as a criminal offence. A public smoking ban can only be a good thing - but we should surely be permitted to smoke in a sealed off room during a private club meeting? Perhaps we should hold our darts match against The Hooded Muggers Yob Club of London; our "fluffy" government would probably give us all a grant. Ah well, it seems nanny wins the trophy in the end

Handlebar Club AGM, April 2006: The Abbot’s Barton Hotel, Canterbury.

Rosemary and I arrived in the afternoon of Thursday, the 6th., to find that a few had already arrived. It was not until the following morning that people really began to arrive from all sorts of places - Germany, Belgium, Holland, Sweden and the United States. It was great to see so many from abroad, I think they were more in number than Handlebar types. HOWEVER, there was serious business during the early Friday evening when we held the AGM itself. All was very well organised and we proceeded through the agenda. So, having retired as Newsletter Editor I’ve now been dusted off and made President. When the results were announced I was in the loo and was greeted on coming out with congratulations. One item which is of general interest is that the annual subscription remains the same.
We then had a very good dinner and a few items were auctioned. One was a San Francisco Police Officer’s shirt which brought in a tidy some especially after it was modelled by Keri Martin. The following day there was a guided tour of Canterbury Cathedral to which most of the party went. This was very ably arranged by Mike Solomons who did a fantastic job once again of organising such things. Mike also ran the raffle and auction which we had after the dinner on Saturday evening. The auction was rather unique in that all the items, apart from just one or two, were moustache cups. And a pretty good selection there was too.

Our award winning member, Steve Parsons, is organising a charity cricket match between the Handlebar Club and the Pipe Club of London on Sunday 13th August 2006 from 12.30pm at Thursley Cricket Club, Nr. Farnham, Surrey. This change of date from the previously suggested one is due to a change in the fixture list of the cricket club that are kindly providing us with the ground and equipment free of charge as well as a fully licensed bar !

He is planning to ask for a suggested donation from both players and spectators with all proceeds being split between the Primary Club ( the cricketers' charity that provides sporting opportunities for blind children) and a local Children's Hospice.

Please put this date in your diaries and come along if you possibly can. Surely it will be a fun afternoon and with a fully functioning bar, I'm sure we'll have a great time and hopefully make plenty of money for the charities whatever the weather throws at us.

We will of course be looking for players to represent the Handlebar Club, so if you fancy a nice gentle game on a sunny (?) Sunday afternoon please kindly let Steve know. More details and directions to follow nearer the big match.

The Annual Bloodbath against the Pipe Smokers will take place on Wednesday 19th April at the Ship Tavern in Holborn. We need the support and participation of members to retain the trophy which the Pipe Club, despite losing it last year fair and square, refused to hand over ( or was it that their Secretary did not realise that it was in his office!!!)

Following the sudden and sad resignation of Ted Sedman in November 2005, I have now taken over from him the mammoth task of managing the Handlebar Club website as it's webmaster. My most sincere thanks to Ted for his generous and professional guidance to set it up and I am please to announce that it is now up and running. I'll try my best to keep you updated with all the currnet news and events of the Club. Should members & friends wish to have their recent photos displayed in the "Gallery" section, please do send them to Steve Parsons our secretary. Hopefully the standard of the site would be maintained, if not better.

The HBC Christmas lunch is fast becoming one of our more prestigious Club traditions. As in the past, this years feast, held on Sunday 4th December, was very well handlebarred with Bo Jonsson in attendance all the way from Sweden. The usual convivial conversation and laughter echoed around Epsom RAC’s polished wooden paneling and I even managed to off a volley of waistcoat buttons in a salute to both Albert and his wife Kiyomi who kindly organized this sterling annual event open to Handlebars, partners and friends.

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