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| A modest proposal.... | | Date Created: Jul 28, 2005, 09:48 AM |
I just read this story about a Methodist minister in Virginia (Virginia is for haters!) denying membership to a guy because he's an "unrepentant, practicing homosexual." This has caused quite a stir among Methodists, or at least quite a stir on this guy's blog.
I realized after reading that article that this Reverend Johnson (a suspicious name, if you ask me) has somehow stumbled across the solution to all the fighting about homosexuality going on in so many different denominations.
Hear me now, you Anglicans, and Methodists, and Presbyterians! I have found the solution to your problems. Yea, verily I say unto thee, I shall lead you out of the gay wilderness!
The solution is so simple, I can't believe no one has thought of it before. You're really going to kick yourself for not thinking of this on your own. Oh well, I guess that's why I'm on this planet, to think of stuff for you all. No, no, no...don't thank me. I'm glad to do it. It is indeed an awesome responsibility to think for you all, but I'll manage somehow. I guess if I didn't have these brilliant ideas, no one would.
So here's the deal. The problem with these churches isn't that there is some underlying disagreement about Biblical interpretation, and the nature of the authority of Scripture, blah, blah, blah. The real problem is that all these denominations are, in some way, democratic organizations. That means that any member (and every member) has some sort of say in the running of the church. The amount of this "democracy" differs from denomination to denomination, but it's there in all of them, waiting, like a blackhead, to erupt into a giant boulder of pus.
See, once you let people in as members, then they have the same rights as any members, including the right to try to get ordained, try to get married, or try to get the draperies in the church changed from that terrible taupe color. Thus the solution, so unwittingly discovered by this Reverend Johnson guy, is simple: Don't let those people in! That's been the problem with these churches all along. It's been staring us in the face. They are letting in too many of the wrong people, if you know what I mean. (Oh, and I think you do.)
If those people don't get in, then those people can't demand to be ordained, can't demand to be married, and can't demand better window treatments. I can see you nodding there, this is all starting to make sense isn't it? It seems that even the Papists, er...Catholics have figured this out. (By the way, I just love the little red frock Cardinal Ouellet is wearing...it really brings out the red in his eyes, don't you think?) And do you know why the Catholics have already figured this out? Because they aren't infected with that horrible "democracy" thing. Nope, no silly voting for them...they take all their directions from some guy in a dress. (Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure he's one of those people. That dress makes him look a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean. Oh, and I think you do.)
So what do we do about all of those people that we have, stupidly, already let in? I think the solution to this little dilemma is equally simple. According to Bread for the World (an organization that seems chock full of those people) more than 800 million people in the world go hungry. These people could be fed with an additional 13 billion dollars a year -- less than Americans spend on pet food. So here's the obvious solution: pet lovers should give all their pet food money to developing nations to end hunger. Duh.
"Oh, but what about the pets?" you ask. "And how does that solve our problem with those people?" Please. I've already thought about that.
We've got plenty of those people to feed to Spot, and Fido, and Mrs. Havisham. |
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