James Lipton Interviews Alan (the transcript):
James: Tonight we
have the honor of learning from one of the most amazingly talented actors ...
Alan: Uh...James. I'm not an actor.
You're not even interviewing me, this is just an excuse to answer those
damn questions from Bernard whatshisface from Apostro-whatever. So, stop sucking up.
James: It's so refreshing to watch an actor
honing his craft, I almost thought you were...
Alan: No. I was.
Really. Just ask the
stinkin' questions already.
James: And now the questionnaire developed by...
Alan: Yeah, we know that already. Move on.
James: Alan, what is your favorite word?
Alan: Venal. With Zucchini a close second.
James: What is your least favorite word?
Alan: Moist.
James: What turns you on, artistically?
Alan: Good times with friends. And fresh sheets on the bed.
James: What turns you off?
Alan: Moist things....and earwigs.
James: What is a sound or noise that you love?
Alan: A really good soprano singing in her
upper range in a huge church.
James: What sound or noise do you hate?
Alan: Styrofoam squeaking.
James: What is your
favorite curse word?
Alan: Poop!
James: What
profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Alan: Bartender.
James: What profession other than your own
would you not like to attempt?
Alan: Clown.
James: And finally...if God exists, what would
you like to hear him say when you enter the pearly gates?
Alan: Hey...you were right about me all
along!
Several of the blogs
I read have lists like this, so I thought I'd be a lemming and do the same
thing.
1.
I was born in
Belding, Michigan.
2.
I was born in a
hospital that no longer exists.
3.
On the day that I
was born it was 75F.
4.
There was a blizzard
the day my folks brought me home.
5.
My brothers
wanted to name me Ringo.
6.
I'm the only one
of my brothers not named after anyone.
7.
My brothers used
this information to convince me that I was adopted.
8.
I think fireflies
are the coolest bugs ever.
9.
I think earwigs
are the scariest bugs ever.
10.
I think clowns
are even scarier than earwigs.
11.
I used to do Paul
Lynde impressions as a child.
12.
I used to watch
the Frugal Gourmet as a child.
13.
I was in the band
in school.
14.
I was in the
choir in school.
15.
I was in the
drama club in school.
16.
11+12+13+14+15=I'm
gay.
17.
My cat is meowing
at me while you're reading this.
18.
I've only held a
real job for 4 years of my life.
19.
The rest of the
time I've been a student.
20.
I went to a
small, very conservative Christian college.
21.
I got a C in Tennis
there.
22.
I think Gill Sans
is a great font.
23.
I think church
potlucks are a marvelous invention.
24.
"I am large,
I contain multitudes" (Walt
Whitman)
25.
I like wandering
in graveyards.
26.
I'm not goth.
27.
I don't own
enough black to be goth.
28.
I own too much plaid
to be goth.
29.
I own enough
plaid to be a lesbian.
30.
I'm not a
lesbian.
31.
I like to cook.
32.
I like to brew
beer.
33.
I'm a beer snob.
34.
I know nothing
about wine.
35.
I'm a coffee snob
too.
36.
Dirty Martinis
are my cocktail of choice.
37.
I don't like
vodka.
38.
I live in Chelsea
now.
39.
I don't live in
the Chelsea in New York.
40.
I got married on
September 15, 2001.
41.
I'm married to a
guy.
42.
I've been with
him for 9 years.
43.
I like Star Wars.
44.
I still have all
my Star Wars figures.
45.
I have a Darth
Vader credit card
46.
I also like Star
Trek (up through DS9).
47.
And Babylon 5.
48.
I'm a chemist.
49.
43+44+45+46+47+48=I'm
a geek.
50.
I think the word
"liberal" is a compliment.
51.
I love "This
American Life" on NPR.
52.
I think the
Golden Girls is a great show.
53.
Dorothy is my
inner Golden Girl.
54.
Mae West is my
inner Bombshell.
55.
"The Dark
Crystal" is one of my favorite movies.
56.
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a Muppeteer when I grew up.
57.
I remember when
people thought there was a person in a Yoda suit.
58.
I remember when
puppets looked more realistic than any computer graphics.
59.
I think most
still do.
60.
I think writing
100 things about myself is really easy.
61.
I think fresh
sheets on a bed are one of the greatest things on Earth.
62.
I can speak for
hours entirely in movie quotes.
63.
I was born with
the sun in Scorpio.
64.
I was born with
the moon in Scorpio too.
65.
I've never owned
a non-Apple computer.
66.
My Powerbook
Desktop and ShapeShifter theme looks like it was designed by Edward Tufte
67.
I love little
haxies like Konfabulator or Synergy.
68.
I had my appendix
out in 3rd grade.
69.
I was worried
because I had a book report due.
70.
The book was
"My Trip to Alpha I" by Alfred Slote and Harold Berson
71.
Mrs. VanderMark
was my 3rd grade teacher.
72.
I got a C in
penmanship that year.
73.
My penmanship has
gotten worse ever since then.
74.
I have never
touched a gun.
75.
I don't like
mushrooms.
76.
I don't like
seafood of any kind.
77.
I don't like
using the phone.
78.
I don't even like
using the phone to order pizza.
79.
I still eat
mostly kids' cereals.
80.
As a kid, my
favorite cereal was Quisp.
81.
I'm a news junky.
82.
I think CNN's
American Morning anchors are morons.
83.
I think penguins
are hysterical.
84.
I don't think
they make enough men's clothes in purple.
85.
When I check into
a hotel, the first thing I do is unpack and iron my clothes.
86.
Alanine is my
favorite amino acid.
87.
In spite of problems,
I still think NASA is cool.
88.
I like telling
time in 24 hours, rather than using AM and PM.
89.
I'm annoyed that
people complain about gas costing less than $2.00 a gallon when Evian costs
$1.00 a liter.
90.
While you're
reading this, I'm doing something.
91.
When I was a kid,
my Dad used to cut my hair.
92.
I wrote a letter
to my high school newspaper suggesting all students stop parking in their
assigned parking spaces.
93.
I got called an
"insurrectionist" for my efforts.
94.
The episode
reminds me that I've thought some things were pretty important, that weren't
actually important.
95.
The Ethnic Stud
Name generator says my Ethnic Stud name is Alonso Esteves.
96.
My full name is
an anagram of Let I Seek Anal. Or Anal Elk See It. Or Alienates Elk
97.
I have all of my
gay books entered into an Endnote bibliography.
98.
I think Paprika
Pringles are the best flavor.
99.
Ah...Allegra.
100.
I can't think of
a clever way to end this.